Please help- so disconnected from child

[Januaryblue2020]

Name change because I feel so ashamed.

Had awful pnd in 2019 and felt very disconnected with my son. Since then our bond has grown and I really felt I could say I loved him last year.
But my mental health has taken a nose dive since this last lockdown, I'm just not coping. I work part time in the office, but I'm the only one in so it's very lonely. I dread the four day weekends I have with ds (husband is around for sat/sun but I don't get much of a break because son is a clingy 2yo).

To my horror I feel like I'm slipping back into the old intrusive thoughts about him that I had in the early days. I feel like I'm going through the motions, and really don't feel much love for him at the moment. Often I end up silently crying as I put him down to bed.

I just need some help. I don't know what to do. I am still taking 100mg sertraline but it doesn't seem to be helping. And I guess that getting any therapy is a no go at the moment, as everyone's having an awful time.

I'm so sorry that was such a pity party. Has anyone else relapsed from PND? I was so desperate not to, but this lockdown has finally broken me

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time.

You don’t need to be a perfect Mum, just good enough is ok.

Are you very critical of yourself?

I’m am sorry you’re struggling.understandably given lockdown, call your GP have a medication review & consultation
This is fixable with support & meds you’ll be just fine
Look after your nutrition, try get good sleep routine. Hang on in there

I just had such a hard time bonding and thought I never would. And then when I did finally love him I felt so ashamed that I could ever feel that way, but now the fog seems to be back and it feels like we exist in different places again.

I know why it's happened, when I was well I was having regular breaks, going to the gym, planning fun evenings out with friends, planning family holidays and life felt like it had a purpose.I know everyone's in the same boat. I guess I just feel hugely ashamed that my love for my son is dependent on me being able to go to the gym etc. It's so pathetic, it should be automatic but for me, it's not

Your love for your son isnt dependant on going to the gym. Your love for your son is still there but your mental health slipping is making you feel disconnected and numb. You still love him. You need to speak to your gp and get your medication changed or adjusted. My daughter is still getting therapy via phone calls.

No it’s not pathetic. Routine and Security is the mental health glue that Keeps us feeling together
You understandably feel lost,scared and off sorts. See your GP

Btw, the baby whoosh love rush, it’s a much hyped Myth. Not all women immediately feel it, and it’s not an indication of what type mum you’ll be

Your love for your son is not dependent on those things OP. It's your mental wellbeing which is helped by having those things in place. PND just happens to some women. Please don't beat yourself up about it. This lockdown is much harder to bear. Speak to your gp about your meds and could you form a bubble with anyone so you've got extra company?

Your love for your son is not dependent on being able to go to the gym. You are dealing with pnd during a pandemic which restricts the usual ways you manage it other than medication. The good thing is that you recognise that you are finding things hard, the next step is to get some more help.

Ring your gp tomorrow morning as soon as you can. Ask what other therapy is available. I guess it depends on trust but i was offered some cbt and talking therapy when I recently spoke to my gp about pnd.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

And please don't feel ashamed

You’re still demonstrating your love for your son by taking good care of him and by knowing that you need to seek help. You’re not feeling the love - but you’re doing the love.

Therapy in a pandemic will probably be online or on the phone, but you should still ask, because this situation sounds really hard and unpleasant for you to live with. Take care.

Thank you for being so kind. I will speak to the gp tomorrow and see if a change in meds would help.
It feels so hard, my depression all seems to hinge on my son and how ashamed I feel for not feeling like a mother should. I just wish it came naturally to me

Your image of what a Good Mother is sounds like it has very high expectations

You are not a bad mother because you want to go to the gym. Every mother since time began wants a break from the relentlessness of mothering a baby.

Be kind to yourself. You aren’t doing a bad job. You are just wishing for a break.

The love bond shows itself in different ways in different mothers. I was never a gusher, getting rushes of love. I had a very strong bond but it was not overly emotional