Feeling lost without my counsellor

[Alittlebitlostrightnow]

Hi. I’m a regular but have name changed.
I know how needy this is but I just needed somewhere to vent honestly.
I have spent a year building up a relationship with my counsellor - I’ll call her Jane. I really struggle to trust and believe that people will be there for me and I finally started to start believing that she wasn’t going to give up on me and walk away. She has been excellent and has always reassured me that she’s there, she cares...and in her words ‘isn’t going anywhere’. I have told her things I could never tell others, I have been my most unattractive needy horrible self with her and she has seen me at my worst...because I trusted her...

We had a break over the Christmas holidays and an extra week due to some training and I struggled to hold it together without her and it felt like so long. I was counting down to my appointment with her this week...but then she messaged to say she is taking a month off work due to personal circumstances.
I hate that I can’t reach out to her to offer help or be of any use to her and I’m really worried about her and I just want her to be okay...but selfishly, underneath, I am gutted and feeling lost that I have to wait another month to see her. I am falling apart here and I don’t know how I’ll cope...and also I’m terrified that she won’t come back. I know this isn’t her fault and I just want her to be okay...but at the same time I’m so upset. I would usually keep in touch between appointments in emails and I can email any time things get too tough but when I was beside myself at 4am this morning and I realised I couldn’t reach out to her...it felt awful. It was me who said I wouldn’t email during this time as I felt I needed to respect her space and need for time away. I’m such a needy person and I wish I wasn’t. I just wish I knew for definite she was coming g back...

Is this NHS or private?

I have had a similar issue, I told her I feel abandoned (and felt pathetic saying that as it's a job to then, but to us they are very important) and she understood but said over time you can become dependent on them and there has to be an end in sight otherwise you'll never move on and put into practice what you have learnt.
It is incredibly hard and they'll always be part of your life and journey when it ends, but it will end and perhaps your reaction to this temporary pause means this is something you.should bring up with her on her return.

@Alittlebitlostrightnow I hear how you are feeling and that you are struggling with this situation. It is very difficult when a reliable and trustworthy support isn't available, but at the risk of being flamed, could the therapeutic relationship between you and your counsellor be close to overstepping professional boundaries?

If you and your counsellor had a therapy contract where it was agreed that you would contact them between sessions that is one thing. However, it would be inappropriate for you to offer help to your therapist, as much as I know this is coming from a place of good intentions.

Thank you for the replies. It is private. We have talked about how it will end one day and she knows it is something I worry about. She said that for the time being it is okay for me to be needy and to need her to care and that as I move forward, that will change and I won’t feel that any more. She said that it is her job to put herself out of a job.

I wouldn’t offer her help because I know that that would be inappropriate. The boundaries are clear and we don’t overstep them. It’s just hard because although I know it is a purely professional relationship, I have grown to really care about her...as I expect any human that treats you the way a counsellor does...or even, just anyone you’ve spent that amount of time with dealing with such huge and personal issues.

I do know it will end eventually...I’m just really not prepared for it to be now. I feel like we were just getting started...

I think I’m going to prepare myself for her not to come back and figure something out.

If you emailed her could she put you in touch with a colleague for the interim?

Its a bit thoughtless of her to leave someone you know is struggling, with no support in place for 2 months. Its not very professional of her to say the least. She should have at least offered to refer you to someone who could see you if you needed to.

I've been really struggling badly this year. My therapist usually has 2 weeks off at Xmas and 2 weeks in August. He saw me anyway. Didn't say that's what he was doing, I only realised later when he let it slip during another conversation. He knew I would have a hard time coping at the moment so just quietly rearranged things so I wouldn't feel abandoned. She should have done that for you. If she can't see you, she should have arranged cover in case you needed it.

Hi, your feelings are totally normal, understandable and valid. Of course it is entirely understandable that you are worried about her and yourself in this situation that you weren’t expecting or prepared for. It sounds like you are struggling with feelings of abandonment and fear and wondering how you will cope between now and your next chance to see her. These are all things that you will get the opportunity to talk to your counsellor about if you choose to, at your next appointment. In the mean time if you are finding these feelings overwhelming, and you feel like you need support right now, there are options open to you. I wonder what solutions you feel are open to you at this time? Given your first choice ( seeing your counsellor) is unavailable.) whatever you decide to do, I hope you’re ok.

Op sorry that you are having a really hard time atm, could you in this time give thought to your own self support? Reading or research at the times when you feel you need support the most, reflecting on the emotional tools you have learnt since the beginning of the therapy.
Your counsellor will care about you it's part of the process and I would imagine that if she's having some time for personal reasons it would be very good reason, I say this as a counsellor as if we are not very careful we reach 'burnout' and would probably have to leave our clients for much longer and none of us would want to ever do that.
Your feeling are valid and understandable OP and when working closely with someone you do care and want to help that is normal and you are helping by posting here and not emailing ... that is a kind and thoughtful thing.
So maybe when you do start to talk again you can do more work around endings and look at more tools to equip you in your self care.

Thank you. I should have said in my OP that she did offer to put me in contact with someone and I declined as I couldn’t imagine explaining where I currently am to someone I don’t know. That’s my fault. Also, it really was last minute so I don’t think that she could have seen me. We were in touch the and she was literally saying she wasn’t going anywhere just before she cancelled the appointment. She was very apologetic and acknowledged that I would find it hard. I don’t think she would have taken the decision lightly.

I am struggling with feelings of abandonment. I think looking into someone who will support me during the gap might actually have to happen. I won’t get into the stuff that is really going on but someone who can just help me keep my head above water so I can keep working and keep taking care of my family will be useful.

Thank you again for helpful replies.

@Saranvenya thank you. It’s good to have a counsellors perspective. Unfortunately, I don’t really have many coping skills at the minute...not for how needy I am, anyway. I’m getting better at grounding and I’m getting better at managing panic attacks, I am working hard on controlling flashbacks...but I find doing all of that whilst trying to work and look after my children...amongst all the lockdown and Covid stuff now just exhausting and she was my little bit of a release and the one to tell me to hang in and to breathe. My time with her was pretty much the only physical time I got away from everything and had some time for me.
I can try reading some of the older emails she has sent or trying to take what she has said to me and tell myself it...I guess I can just keep trying to keep going...I just don’t feel like I can do it alone.

It sounds to me like you do have some coping skills. You’ve reached out for help here and decided on seeking further help to tide you over until you can see your regular counsellor again. If you enjoyed the time away from everything and time to yourself, is this something you could carve out in a different way at the moment? Although with Covid your options are very limited at the moment t.

I’ve just had an introductory meeting with a really lovely counsellor who has agreed to work with me at the moment. And despite living at the other side of the country, she knows my counsellor. She is also a Christian (which is really important to me). How bizarre is that! She offered the same support to me in terms of the help I get between appointments and it felt very much like talking to my original counsellor in so many ways.She also understood what I meant when I said that the most helpful to my counsellor gave me was herself and the relationship and she assured me that that was okay and I don’t need to work on endings just yet as although we know it will come, we’re not at that point yet and I need to feel secure in the relationships that I build. I am feeling a lot more positive about this next month.

Funnily I've found the same. If you get someone with the same modality and way of working, a lot of therapists are very alike. My first therapist told me this when he left the practice he was at and reassured me that good therapists were trained to be pretty generic and whoever I saw next was probably going to be a lot like him. I didn't believe him at the time but he was right in a way. My current therapist is both different and similar. His personality is different but the way he interacts with me is similar. Cover therapists usually work in the same way as the person they are covering for. They want you to have a fairly smooth transition into their care and back to your usual therapist.