This is my first post, I’ve been scanning the internet like crazy for weeks and really need some advice.
I was diagnosed with bipolar in September. I left my fiancé for no reason, completely broke my family.
Fast forward to November and we got back together! We have two children together (4 & 7) and I found out I was pregnant in December with our third. At first my Partner said he would support whatever decision I made but our relationship is not the best right now and I need to think about everyone and not just myself. I agreed and booked a termination for the 5th January. Sitting in the hospital I panicked and didn’t know if I truly wanted to terminate so the nurse rebooked my appointment for today. I’ve cried for days, my other half said I was selfish for wanting to bring another child into this mess (he isn’t wrong) and that this is my punishment for leaving him in the first place. I couldn’t go today as we’ve had so much snow and the roads were covered. My third appointment is booked for Tuesday and then Thursday. I’ve cried all evening. My other half has said that we lose either way. I keep the baby and we won’t last another 5 months or I terminate and we won’t last either.
I don’t feel like I win either way, maybe it is my punishment but why does it have to be this cruel? I know I have to go on Tuesday but I also know this will break me. I love my two boys more than anything in this world, I feel like I’m taking something away from them!
Please someone tell me if I’ll ever get over having a termination? I feel like my world is crumbling all around me and i haven’t gone through with it!