I am so tired

[MamaMoonbeam]

I am, I really am. So, so tired of fighting myself.
You know when you get thoughts, do they stack up like a queue? I have bad thoughts and I know they're in my thought queue just waiting for me to action them. If I don't action them, then they still hang around. They won't leave the queue 😔 I can't distract, or manage them away. They're like a shadow

That is me today, I have thoughts, irrational thoughts/terrible thoughts/bad thoughts, I know they’re just thoughts, but I have that, one after the other, it’s so hard sometimes...I understand what you’re going through ❤️

Sorry was meant to say that is me today, and what feels like every day now (used to be a little more manageable before)

What are your bad thoughts about? You say ‘if I don’t action them’ - are they compulsion-based?

@Flambola cutting, ODing

@CheckMate2021 - do you have a diagnosis?

@MamaMoonbeam - do you have the number for a crisis team in your area?

I suffer from those same thoughts, I am trying not to self-harm as I have a daughter and I’m ashamed of my scars, but I 100% understand. You need to speak to someone. If you do hurt yourself make sure you keep your wounds clean. I’m sorry you feel this way, it’s tough.

@Flambola I do, I spoke to them on Monday and my psychiatrist on Tuesday. The problem is the dbt skills/distraction techniques just distract from that moment. The thoughts are still there.
I have a lovely son, he's amazing and I don't care about my scars but I still feel like I need to OD to stop my brain. I'm too calm in the outside for people to worry too much, even the crisis number sometimes. I ended up in icu last year for a week after OD

I know some random on a forum is easy to ignore but please don’t OD. Have you told anyone that’s where you’re at? Is it safe for you to get a small prescription for benzos or would you use them to hurt yourself?

@Flambola I have ODed on benzos so my doc won't prescribe them. I have to take other meds if I want to do that. I have them ready and have a date in mind. Will just have to see how I feel next week. I appreciate your help though

@MamaMoonbeam could you contact crisis team again. I know it’s not easy, but if it means speaking to crisis team and or psychiatrist as often as necessary please do.

Please don’t OD, are there any other things that can help? Talking to certain people? Carrying out activities?

@CheckMate2021 I can do other things but the thoughts are there, like an expectant shadow, waiting for me to finish. I might try and call again tomorrow. xx