I’m heavily pregnant and I do not want my baby. What are the chances I’ll feel different when it’s here?

[Seitanlove]

I fell pregnant by accident. I foolishly forgot to get my implant replaced. It was the middle of lockdown and I had a lot happening. I tried to get an abortion at 7 weeks but DH talked me out of it. I am due to have my baby in early March and I am so scared. I have mental health problems and my childhood was extremely traumatic. I don’t have any feelings of love for this baby and I am so sorry to feel this way. I just don’t want to do it. Should I start making arrangements for adoption, or should I wait and see how I feel when baby is here?

Hi op I didn't want to read and not comment. I got a daughter she's 15 . I had severe pnd after her and my mental health had suffered badly since then . Me and my partner really wanted a baby . I got pregnant and as soon as I found out I felt something in me suddenly change . I 100 percent didn't want it . I was petrified. In the end I had an abortion because my mental health took over and what's horrible to admit . I felt relief when I had gone through with it . I felt severe guilt after . Do I regret it ? Yes and no . I know I would of made a pretty bad mother because of the extent of my anxiety and then I do think we could of had a 7 year old now and how lovely it would be . You are not alone op and there's nothing awful about how you are feeling . You need to talk to someone ❤️ your midwife has probably spoke to loads of women feeling the way you do . Also it could be the start of pre natal depression . If so help now will benefit you . Trust me I wish I talked about my feelings . Maybe I wouldn't be the way I am now . And if it is just how you feel , like again like many mothers do it's ok ❤️ I absolutely adored my daughter when she was born . A few days later and I wished I never had her . But that was my pnd . I bet once you see your baby it will all change . But keep talking to your midwife . She isn't going to judge you one bit x

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, I won't be much help but just wanted to say I had no feelings of love for any of my children until they were born and I don't think it's that unusual so I never felt bad about it. It was all quite abstract until they were actually here.

Can you tell your DH about how you feel? I don’t know if you will feel different to be honest as it depends how sure you feel currently.

I would let your midwife know for support too.

Have you got children already?

Hello, this sounds really tough. But I think the reasons you've given show that you do care as you're worried about the effects of your mh and past experiences on your baby. I would focus on trying to get as much support ready as possible. Make sure you have people who can support you physically after birth, with meals etc and have a plan to ensure you get some sleep as this is crucial for your mental health (ie your Dh takes a 9pm-1am shift every night so you sleep).
Take every opportunity now to look after yourself and take it day by day. Get your Dh to understand the signs of PND and where to get help. Take it day by day. Post on here if you're unsure of anything. X

@goldielockdown2

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, I won't be much help but just wanted to say I had no feelings of love for any of my children until they were born and I don't think it's that unusual so I never felt bad about it. It was all quite abstract until they were actually here.

Exactly this for me too. And with my second I was mainly terrified that I’d made a terrible mistake and wouldn’t be able to love her the way I loved my first. I felt completely differently as soon as she was born - instant rush of love. With my first it took longer to bond - definitely a good couple of weeks as the birth was really fast and I think I was in shock. All of this is normal.

@goldielockdown2

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, I won't be much help but just wanted to say I had no feelings of love for any of my children until they were born and I don't think it's that unusual so I never felt bad about it. It was all quite abstract until they were actually here.

I echo this too. I also didn't love my baby before she came, or for a good 4/5 months after she arrived.

Looking back, shock from my birth experience got in the way of the bonding process. And the shock of how big a life change it was.

Speaking to my HV helped three months after the birth, as did chatting to other mums about my experience and theirs. It helped me contextualise and process things.

I am also very sorry to hear about your childhood trauma.

Having had severe PND, I would say reach out now to support services. Go to your GP and tell them exactly how you feel. Ask to be referred to the perinatal mental health team. They support women antenatally where there is a strong risk of PND, e.g. women who have had it before or those with previous MH problems. They have specialist midwives as well as MH professionals.

I wish I had listened to my instincts when I was pregnant and felt nothing for my baby. With hindsight, I had all the red flags of developing PND but my ante natal care was pretty poor. Perinatal mental health on the other hand were amazing when I fell apart after the birth.

You don't have to face this alone - reach out and get prepared. PND is not inevitable and you may well feel very different when the baby is here, but there is no shame in asking for help now.

I never felt anything for mine while pregnant, I hated pregnancy and they were just an abstract thought. After my first was born I felt protective but I wouldn't say love until a few months down the line when I got to know him. I would also suggest preemptively getting the doctor on board for PND, and talk to your husband.

I also took a very long time to bond with my babies. It was many months after their birth.

I think you should try to get counselling, if services are available to you, to try to work through all these feelings. There’s no right or wrong way to feel and seeking to adopt your baby is completely fine if it turns out it’s what you want and feel is best

Practically speaking you won't be able to give the baby up for adoption if your husband doesn't consent. He will have PR by marriage and even if he didn't, where social services know the identity of the father they can't proceed without his knowledge unless they have obtained a court order to this effect. Obviously your husband knows you're pregnant so this is moot.
You really need to speak to him about how you are feeling, then contact the midwives (with his support hopefully) and ask for a referral to the perinatal mental health team.

I had PND with my second but not my first, it's a bit of a crap shoot.

It sounds like you're struggling a bit already, which I mean kindly- not as a personal attack or personality flaw, it happens to a lot of people. With a background of abuse I can really recommend asking to be put in touch with your perinatal mental health team. Mine were lovely, I had lots of therapy, weekly monitoring of medication and some visits from a nursery nurse to help with bonding.

If it helps you, I was regularly raped by my grandad ages 2-8 so not the best childhood, and I have diagnosed depression, anxiety, CPTSD and Asperger's. I'm also a fucking awesome mum. Having a childhood that wasn't great isn't an automatic red flag- I have a saying "if you can't be a good example then you can at least be a horrible warning!", use your horrible warning to decide what kind of parent you want to be.

You won't be able to make arrangements for adoption without your DH being involved. That part is your mental health problems talking. Say something out loud - to a professional, to your DH, to someone you trust.

You are not only the sum of your past. You are more than that.

Some excellent replies, advice and support from previous posters.
I hope this gives you a wee bit of reassurance you're not alone. To put my 2 bits in I don't think its unusual not to really like little babies and not feel that 'rush of love'. Everyone i know who has had that rush are baby people ie they just looooove babies. I certainly don't like babies really, yes I look after and protect them but meh!! After 6 months they are so much better. (And its ok to be like that, it doesn't make me a bad mother). Put some support measures in place now, give yourself a break and some time.

I think a lot of women feel the same as you do right now. I didn't feel anything towards my baby (maybe a little resentment as I had hyperemesis), but when he was born I was obsessed with him. There really isn't a way to know how you will feel. If you're feeling depressed at all, the NHS can give you a psychiatrist that specialises in pregnancy related mental health. After birth, the midwives can help with bonding if that's something you're worried about. Whatever happens, you will be okay. There is so much support out there and even on this site! Whatever you choose will be the right decision for you and baby.