I've been thinking very hard about the original thread I started yesterday evening and the ensuing furore that resulted when another mumsnetter began the "pull your socks up and count yourself lucky" thread thereafter.
I've suffered from periods of depression, some mild, some severe, since my early teens. I have no idea why. I like to think of myself - my normal self - as pretty cheerful and energised. The transformation in my personality during periods of deep depression is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with.
My most serious episode of depression to date started after the birth of my second child. I've been on anti-depressant medication ever since and believe that I would not be here without them. I had been feeling really good recently and thought that the time had come to try life without the drugs. It has not gone well and I am pretty bad at the moment. I have had to go back onto the medication and may have to accept that my brain is permanently impaired and that I will suffer from mental illness for many more years. This is a very frightening time for me - the thoughts I've been having recently about whether there is any point to my life and if my dh and children would be better off without me seem to make so much sense at times.
When I started my thread last night, I just wanted to get some of the stuff that's a bit easier to talk about off my chest. I am well aware that for the average, well person, they seem trivial and that is why I posted on the Feeling Low board. Posters there who suffer from clinical depression would (and do) understand where I am coming from and I needed their support last night. I didn't really want to jump straight into the "Hi, I'm entertaining suicidal thoughts at the moment" straight off though.
RegularPoster's thread made me feel like crap - like I didn't deserve sympathy and understanding. That's all I was asking for, and I'd like to thank the mumsnetters that gave their support. I really needed it and I will take up your suggestions.
I've decided to leave mumsnet. This is not a flounce or a touch of the amateur dramatics. I believed that I had found a supportive forum for my difficulties, and for the most part I had. I don't think that I'll ever be able to post on anyone's feeling low thread without worrying that someone is going to tell me that my problems do not merit your support. I'm in a pretty bad place at the moment and don't think I can handle it.
I want to take the opportunity to thank people that were kind on both the threads, and to ask all mumsnetters to think a little more before dumping on someone else. Anonymity does not give anyone the right to be cruel.
Best wishes to you all from Fab.