Please help! Don't know how to cope

[electra]

I am really struggling. My psychiatrist has put me on Cipramil and Quetiapine but I've only just started taking it.

My problems are complicated by the fact that my marriage has broken down and I am living with my parents because I am not in a fit state to look after my children and because my husband doesn't understand my illness. He says things like "You can't behave this way" and that I'm horrible and self-centred. Last year he suddenly started behaving strangely towards me because he didn't trust me (even though I had not had an affair or given him any reason to think that I had had one). I was, however very preoccupied by the fact we were taking the council to tribunal and I was finding this stressful and became quite obsessed with it.

Yesterday I went to see my children and the house was in a mess so I cleaned it because I love them and want them to live in a clean, tidy house. This caused my oldest dd (who has ASD) to have a meltdown because she isn't used to the noise at this time of the night. And my mum said I was "like a whirlwind". Today she has been angry with me for causing the meltdown and has said things like I am not very maternal and should never have had children and I don't hug them enough etc. I do love them but I am not my usual self and I realise that perhaps my judgement was poor re: cleaning the house but I had the best intentions. So I feel like even more of a crap mum than I did before and there are people gossipping about me.

I seem to be addicted to self-harming which makes me angry with myself as I am going to have loads of scars.

Does anyone know of an organisation who could give support to my parents as I think it is getting to them seeing me in the state I'm in?

I should add that my dd's meltdowns are very rare and the last time she had one was Christmas. Also that my husband spent months snooping on me (even my MN posts) and woke me up at night and gave me funny looks.

Sorry for the long, self-indulgent ramble but I just don't have anyone else to talk to at the moment.

Hi there, Electra, you sound very upset.

I have no advice for you, I have not experienced any of what you have going, but it seems like you have rather a lot to cope with at the moment. I hope somebody who can advise you better comes along, I just did not want your post to hang here unanswered.

You must be a very kind and caring mum to be so concerned for your parents wellbeing, and the effect your illness has on them. And you do want the best for your kids, cleaning at night to make it nice for them shows that. (This is something I would do, to, actually)
You are ill at the moment, please cut your self some slack, I am sure it takes a little while for your medication to work.

I hope things start to get better for you soon.

You know sometimes you just need to take care of yourself as hard as that sounds. There is a lot of pressure on people these days to be able to do everything. I don't know if they are still going but the Bristol Womens Institute delt a lot with self harm but that was about 10 years ago you might have to google them.

Hi Electra, im very useless in that i dont have any advice for you on what you are going through right now, but saw your post just as i was about to pop off to bed and wanted to offer some words of support.
Try to concentrate on the postive aspects in your life, you have your beautiful children (and they are gorgeous i sneaked a look at your pics ) and your parents sound very worried about you which shows they obviously care for you very much.
Getting to a point where you feel better takes time and i think if you concentrate on doing it in small steps that might be easier for you, tell yourself im going to get through the next 24 hrs with a positive mind and think about the good things in your life, if you try and get through it one day a time you may find it easier to cope.
you sound like a very loving mum, i really hope things get better for you soon.

Sorry to hear about everything your going through.
One thing stood out from your post. The thing that your mum has said just flashed at me in red. That is a dreadful thing to say to anyone, let alone your daugher " you shouldnt have had kids!!!!" especially if you know your daughter has depression anyway. Im biased because I have a mother with a personality disorder but she throws hurtful comments like that around, so I am very aware of them when I hear about them. I found that my mothers attitude towards me was the root cause of my depression. And when I altered that side of my life, my depression more or less cleared itself up (touch wood). If you want to talk about the fact your mother says things like this, you could have a look at this . It has helped me a lot. It sounds like your mother is a little bit of an enabler. I mean, having the kids at her place like this. I know shes helping you, but is there any other way? I mean, helping you to help yourself be independant.

Would you feel better if your kids lived with you, and your mother visited you on a daily basis to help out on your terms? You`d be more empowered that way. Did your mother suggest that the children live with her, or you?

Im sure the late night cleaning is connected to the depression, perhaps the drugs youRe taking. AGain, you need and deserve understanding and tenderness, not criticism.

I I`m totally way off the mark, then I want to apologize beforehand, but reading between the lines, this is what I see.

www.mind.org.uk/
http:/www.nmp.co.uk

Thoughts,you sound like as Scary said, a caring mum,hope things get better for you.

also the samaritans are very good if you just need to talk.
[email protected] . but if your family can help you so much the better.

How are you now?

Thanks so much for your kind words - they mean a lot. I am writing my husband a letter to try to explain things. I want my children back, but at the moment they find my behaviour frightening and I can't stop self-harming so I can't look after them properly. However, I do intend to get better and I know that I will but at the moment things just seem so bad.

electra that's SUCH a big step in the right direction....you can see what is happening & you have taken steps to stop it & get help, good for you!

As Lucky said set yourself small hurdles at the moment a few hours...the next aftenoon....24 hours.....take it in very small steps & give yourself time. It sounds like your family are there for you but at a loss as to how help you for the best, hence the insensitive remarks.

The medication WILL help but it does take time to kick in. Get some counselling as well if you can, & keep coming back to chat here...it's great therapy & it's free!!

Take care & chin up

Thanks for all your help. This morning I am feeling a little better. I am supposed to keep a routine as you say. My mum said to me this morning that she's finding it hard to see me like this and that she's only human, etc, which I understand. I just have to find a way to deal with things and stop self-harming.

I know I'm late to this thread, and I'm not sure I'll have anything much useful to say, but I just wanted to say well done for seeking help with your problems. I don't think people get enough credit when they put themselves on the line and and admit to a mental health problem in order to get help and get better, and I think they deserve lots of it.

With regards to support for your parents, have you asked your psychiatrist about local organisations? I think that might be a good place to start looking.

Also can I just second what LuckyUnderpants said about your daughters? They are absolutely gorgeous Glad you are feeling a little better this morning.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. My situation has been sort-of similar. I am a regular but have name-changed.

I suffer with depression which has, at times, become very serious. I have been hospitalised with it. I also have a history of self-harming. It was all exacerbated by the breakdown of my marriage so I really understand what you are going through. My DC is now with the father.

So, although I know it doesn't help, you are not alone. I understand what you are going through. Self harming is a horrible thing. Do you have any help with it? I have learnt a few ways of coping with the urges to SH - I can post if you like. Also, Palmers Cocoa Butter helps it heal and not scar so much.

I hope your meds help. I was on Quetiapine for a while and it helped me sleep. I think it is meant to help with self-harming too.

I know it is very difficult to cope with your own feelings and have other people making you feel worse. It must be very hard for parents to see their child suffer so much and I often think they really don't know what to do to help. They say unpleasant things because they are frustrated. Have you looked at the MIND website? I'll have a look for a couple of other links tomorrow.

I have had months of intensive therapy and been on various meds. I am so much better than I was a few months ago. So, although I know it doesn't feel like it now, things can get better. They will get better.

Please feel free to email me - namelessagain @ gmail dot com.

Thinking of you.

Thanks so much for your kind messages - I have posted on the other thread too. I am sorry I haven't been around. I have had a couple of better days and also have been able to sleep a little better. I have joined the gym today so that I have an outlet for my energy, otherwise I end up walking all day long or pacing at night. My mum explained to me that sometimes it just all gets on top of her and that she is trying. My dad is an alcoholic so she has to cope with all his behaviours as well as mine, and I know that must be a nightmare. I wrote my DH a letter, and since then he has been a bit more understanding. I think that there is a chance we could work things out. I felt sad today, thinking of my children and how they need me and that it must be very hard for them with me not being with them all the time, but I also know that if I went back home DH and I would be at each others throats and that my behviour would frighten them. One day soon I will get them back though. I hope everyone else is ok