I’m not sure I want to get better

[July56]

Following a breast cancer diagnosis and surgery in 2019 I’ve struggled to cope and move on. Over the following 12 months I fell apart but no one knows how badly. I found it difficult to tell people quite how bad I felt and how little I was coping.
To the outside I was still able to function, looking after my family, doing all the things that are suggested to improve your mental health, exercise, journaling etc but inside I can’t move on.
I am having counselling but I still find it hard to say exactly how I’m feeling. I don’t know why, I think mainly other people’s frustration at me that all I have to do is let go of what happened and move on. From diagnosis to end of treatment was very traumatic, I can see that now but others think I’m being ridiculous, after all I’m better so why don’t I just focus on that?
I’m ashamed to say it but I don’t think I want to let go of it, I don’t want it forgotten as if it was nothing. Please don’t think I’m attention seeking as I don’t talk to anyone around me about the cancer any more. It’s almost as if I don’t want/don’t know how to be happy, I don’t think I really know how. I can’t tell my DH I feel this way as who would find being depressed better that enjoying life.

Of course you’re not being ridiculous!
Have you spoke to your GP? You sound really depressed and also traumatised by what happened.

I think it's very common for people to cope while they're going through treatment and then to find it hard once they're physically better. Family and friends are relieved you're better and just want to put the whole experience behind them but, for you, you've now got the space to experience the shock of what you've been through.

I've not been through it personally but remember a boyfriend's mum really struggling after breast cancer.

Does this resonate with you?:
www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/in-depth/cancer-survivor/art-20047129

Thank you @Entschuldigung & @Wolfiefan.
I have seen my gp but it’s hard to explain in a short appointment exactly how I feel and now they’re under huge pressure so I can’t keep going back.

You poor thing. I think you're completely entitled to feel the way you do.
Please don't feel bad about going back to the GP. Ask for an urgent referral to a psychologist.
A good therapist will help you find the way to start really talking about this and letting your true feelings out without having to worry about what you say.
People shouldn't expect you to "just move on". You need more support and time.
If you can afford it, look into private counselling as you may then have more choice of who you can see.

Possibly your suffering from ptsd. When i had ptsd, i was stuck in the cycle. I didn't want to let go of the trauma because i didn't know who i was if i couldn't define myself as a survivor of "xxxxxx". I couldn't remember who i used to be before the events that traumatized me, so i felt the need to cling onto them because it felt somehow safer - even though i knew it was causing me pain. I had a lot of CBT but the trauma didn't really heal until i had EMDR. it's very expensive but it's specifically targeted at trauma survivors.

Are you angry?

Could you write something down and hand it over? Would they let you email something in?

I understand. You don't want it dismissed as though it was trivial. It wasn't trivial to you and you want people to understand the gravity of the situation. It was massively traumatic and shouldn't be treated lightly.

I have an event that I can't name and I refer to it as What Happened. It has capital letters in my head. Because it was massive and upended my world

Could you journal? No every day, no set format just write out how you feel and hand it to your therapist. You don't have to let them read it. Write as though its just for you.

My counsellor has said before that he finds my journalling useful, not just because it helps get the feelings out but because I am far more articulate in writing than I am to talk to.

I was sexually abused and find it very hard to talk about out loud even just saying the bare facts. The entire topic of sex is a recipe for a very difficult session as I find the whole subject near impossible but if I write it out I find that more often than not I am able to give it to him to read.

Its so much easier to summon up 10 seconds of courage to hand them a book than 50 minutes of courage to talk about it.

Thank you so much for your kind replies I really appreciate it. I had a counselling session this morning which I discussed how I’m doing and helped bring some perspective.
@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam what you say sounds how I feel, stuck in this cycle and have been for a long time. Thank you for telling me that you didn’t want to let go of the trauma, I’ve struggled with that so much. I can’t explain to friends and family because to them they can’t understand why. Most people don’t understand that ptsd can happen after a serious illness. I’m glad things have improved for you.

@July56

My experience was birth trauma. I felt like people felt i should be grateful we all made it through alive. People were surprised it was still affecting me months and years after because "you're all alive and healthy aren't you". But those kind of words don't make the trauma go away, and actually makes it worse because then you punish yourself for not being grateful enough and like you shouldn't still be affected. But the sort of things that cause PTSD are terrifying. Near death experience isn't something you can just get over by yourself and as you know, friends and family don't get it. That's why talking to a therapist can help because they can help you unpack it all in a safe environment bit by bit so you don't get overwhelmed.

Let me tell you - the feelings you're experiencing are absolutely valid. You don't have to feel grateful, or guilty. There's no right or wrong way to feel. They're just emotions, they can't hurt you. Physically yes, you're healthy. But you've been through one hell of a trauma and now you need some help to move past it. You may never get over it. I know I'll never get over my birth trauma. I'll never be cured of the anxiety and depression that resulted from it. I'll never be the person i was before. But i have moved past it and it no longer causes me distress to think of it. And - do i want to be the person i was before or do i want to take what I've learned from the whole thing and be a better person?

I found meditation very helpful for "pausing" the intrusive thoughts while i waited for help. Emdr was good because you don't need to dig into all the memories. It challenges the emotions you have connected to the event without you having to relive it.

I think it is you wanting the experience validating; it has become part of you and when others don't understand/want to move on it feels to you that they just want to bury it but you want to talk/sob/shout about it till it works it way out. Does that make any sense? Have to tried to explain to those closest to you or do you think the time has passed? You are not expecting too much and it is quite reasonable that you take whatever time/help you need to work through it.

Trauma recovery has its own timeline. Some people seem to be fine, but it bubbles up again in time. Others fall apart but get it together quickly. Others it takes a while working away at it and being patient. We are all different. Let go of the 'shoulds' and then them into 'coulds.' So instead of "I should feel grateful for surviving cancer" think "I could feel grateful for surviving cancer, or I could remain angry" take the pressure off. Keep working. Let time do it's thing.

I’m so grateful for your replies each resonates so much with how I feel.
@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam
Your so right with how other people’s comments make you feel, their judgement just makes me feel worse. Of course I’m grateful to be through the other side but you’re never told your cancer free until 5 years have passed so it’s always on your mind. I’m coming up to 2 years since diagnosis and memories coming flooding back. Today a friend shared a photo on a chat of a group of us on a day out. It was just after my first op and had my main surgery coming up. That day is etched in my memory as I felt physically ill with all consuming anxiety. I sat there all day and didn’t say anything about how I felt because I thought I would be making too much of a fuss about my illness. Today I can remember exactly how terrible i felt and I find it as distressing now as it was then. I’ve recently joined a meditation group which I’m hoping will help.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through but very grateful for what you’ve shared with me.
@Roystonv
You’ve summarised it exactly. During treatment and after I didn’t know how to talk about it. At times I was so numb with shock I didn’t know what I wanted to say and it’s taken all this time to make sense of it. I do think that it’s too late to talk to friends as 2 years for me feels like 5 mins for my friends it’s a distant memory. I can’t just forget about it because it feels as traumatic now as it did then and I still have a cosmetic surgery to go so not completely finished with. I am speaking to a counsellor once a week and when things get too much I end up having a melt down to my husband. My husband tries his best to support me but dealing with the emotional side he’s out of his depth.
@Chalkcheese
I find the time it takes really difficult but you’re right. I’m not used to not coping so put a lot of pressure on myself, should is definitely a word that I’ve used too much.

Good luck lovely. There are videos on YouTube that can help with meditation (honest guys are the ones i use) - just lie down in a quiet place and pop them on your headphones and listen. That's all you need to do. You can do them any time you like, if the feelings are too much for you at any time. Most important thing is to listen to your body and mind - if it's telling you to rest quietly for a bit, do that. If it's telling you you'd quite like a nice hot bubble bath, do that. (Don't listen if it tells you to eat donuts though, i did and put on SO much weight )

It's great I got how you feel! But now we need to find a way of helping. I have not had cancer/major trauma but there must be so many who feel the same as you. Query - do you want your friends to understand or just anyone. The latter should be easier as in normal times there will be support via cancer charities, local cancer groups etc. The former is the problem, another query - do you think if you had support elsewhere you could keep your friends in a 'good times' box and just accept their lack of empathy. Oh another query - are they too scared to bring it up, do they feel they have to be the fun people in your life. Could you say 'I love you all, we have great times but I need to tell you that sometimes I need support still'. Apologies if the above is a load of drivel. I tend to throw ideas at a problem and see if any resonate. I am sure many more will post who have more to offer but thought I would give it a go!

@Roystonv
As far as friends are concerned I don’t know the answer to that. I haven’t seen very much of a lot of my friends over the last 18 months mainly because I couldn’t cope with feeling so awful when I should be happy. I felt I had to explain why I wasn’t back to normal and some comments just made me feel worse so I withdrew, to the point that some friendships are irrevocably damaged by me doing that.
As I said before time has moved on and I don’t think it would occur to them to ask now. You’re right about some being afraid to ask, I have family that never once asked if I was ok which really hurts. I felt I shouldn’t mention it for fear of upsetting people and they in turn did the same.
I speak to my counsellor each week which is an outlet and is helping.
I think a lot of what you say resonates so please don’t apologise, I’m very grateful.