Can't go on much longer like this

[justsickofit]

Not sure where to start or why I am writing this, guess I just need to get things off my chest. I just feel like I cant go on, I have suffered with moderate to severe depression for 10 years, some of that time medicated some not. My income has just been drastically reduced which is just the icing on the cake to all the shit that I feel I am in now. Just want to go to sleep and not wake up, and I feel guilty for thinking that because of my 2 beautiful children. Can't concentrate on anything, doubt even this is coming out in clear English, have no appetite but feel like I have eaten half the world and probably look it to. It just seems to be one thing ontop of another and no matter how hard I try or how much I do nothing gets better, I am under the care of the worlds worst psychiatrist who makes me feel like the lowlife I see myself as. My grandmother lives with me and she has recently fallen ill and has had what is thought to be a mini stroke, my grandfather died as a result of several severe strokes in Jan 2006. I am feeling so many emotions and none of them good, I just can't go on like this anymore. Sorry for rambling no-need to reply just wanted to get this off my chest

thoughts

I am a regular(ish) by the way, just ashamed I guess, hence the name change

You have a huge amount on your plate. I am not much good at helping but I hate to see your post go unanswered.

Could you try to write another post this time telling us about all the things that are right in your life? I promise I for one will read it. I suppose that seems quite a trite thing to say, but I do believe in the power of positive thinking.

dear sickofithugs to you.you sound like you need someone to tell you how well you are doing inspite of all the pressures around you.so well done

you are caring for so many other people and not giving yourself what you need.
if you feel your psychiatrist is not helping and adding to your low self esteem then you have every right to find another mental health provider.sadly as an ex psych nurse I know they are not always trained in counselling and not very good at it.

you have every right to change them.is there someone who can help you sort out your money,is it benefits being mucked about ?

your not alone on here,deppression and stress is crippling.
I am sure lots of people will add to this thread to give you support and advice.
x

My children and my partner (only been together 9 months, we dont live together and he doesn't know about my depression) are the only good things in my life, just feel like they deserve better than me, have felt this way before but managed to get myself out of it, now I can't. Feel guilty I can't give my children a better life, can't give my nan the good life she deserves, they said her mini stroke was most likely to have been brought on by stress, again I feel responsible, and my uncles (her sons) have hinted that I expect too much of her and put her under too much stress. Oh dear didn't do so well at posting anything positive did I, sorry

Sorry warnoutbyarguing, I must have crossed posts with you, thank you for your kind words, yes it is benefits apparently I have been miraculously cured of depression and anxiety so no longer require the extra financial help due to a report from my psychiatrists secretary, I am trying to change psychiatrists I called today spoke to receptionist and she said to me 'beggars cant be choosers but she'll see what she can do'. Guess I just have to see what happens.

darling, what on earth are you ashamed of? you take care of all these people, if the uncles are not happy with the care you give gran, suggest they take her off your hands - i think you will find that they are suddenly quite happy for you to keep looking after her!
don't bother going back to crap shrink, you don't need ANYONE in your life who is not making a positive contribution to your well-being. go back to gp, tell gp EVERYTHING (i found it worked for me)
i bet your kids don't think you are crap mum either! they just want to see a happier mummy - you sound poorly, tell your dp everything aswell, if relationship is move forward you need to be honest with him!

good luck xx

I guess I'm ashamed because there are people in worse positions than me and I can't cope like I should be able to. Think I will go to gp, they were nicer than the psychiatrist, might give me a little more help. As for dp, I'm scared I'll lose him if I say anything about depression, not the best catch in the world a depressed, divorced mum of two, this is not how I saw my life when I was younger,it all seems so ridiculous in black and white but thats how I feel

how old are you? i only ask as i feel my 30s were the bloody pits, i think you (one) can loose your self being mother, partner, daughter, sister, carer etc.
sorry to to sound bossy but you seem to need someone to tell you straight (bit like a mum)

you need to regain the person that is YOU!!, i did this over the course of about 2 years,it is possible, and believe me i have been through the mill a bit!

you have nothing to ashamed of, however bad other peoples lives seem to be, don't forget that YOUR life is just as important as anyone elses!

please go to your gp, you have nothing to lose, as to telling dp about your state of mind, if he is to be at all supportive he at least needs to know the score, if he runs a mile now, just thank your lucky stars that you got no more involved with him than you already are! and anyway, you never know, he may just be so pleased to be 'let in' that he turns out to be a rock
btw i'm 3 times married, dd is bought up by her step father, previous husbands all a 'story' in their own right, you may think taking advice from such a relationship nightmare not worth it, i always think experience counts for something though!