Hating yourself for being depressed

[Blackcloud91]

I would never in a million years blame anyone else for their own depression, judge them for it, or query if its real. Having been in hospital, I do know quite a few other depressed people and nothing like that has ever crossed my mind in relation to anyone else, for other people I see it as an illness, and think they're amazing for fighting it with the strength they have. But I'm really struggling to move away from judging myself for it. Objectively I have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I can see that logically I probably am ill. But emotionally I very much feel somehow that I'm faking it, being overly self indulgent and just need to get a grip - that there's nothing wrong with me except being weak. I just really hate myself for it, and feel everyone else in my life must be getting so fed up of having to deal with me. I know they worry and I hate that I cause that. I've been having treatment for over a year now and recently have been really struggling again.

My work treated me like shit and ultimately dismissed me, and I got a large payout from them. So I'm now in the position where I could afford to pay for some private help (got another job lined up to start in a few months). Going into a private hospital has been recommended, which I think could be helpful but there's no getting away from it being seriously pricey. I know how privileged a position even having that option puts me in. I also know if it was a friend I wouldn't be doubting that it is justifiable to pay for treatment. I'm really struggling to justify it to myself though, and feel I should just be getting a grip and be able to put the money into a deposit or similar.

I know that is a major first world problem. Its also just a more general thing though, in that being exasperated at myself for being depressed and feeling I should be able to stop it really just makes me hate myself all the more. Sorry if this does just sound really whiny, but I was just wondering if anyone has felt a similar way? Particularly if anyone has managed to move past it, and not hate themselves for being depressed?

Hi op that sounds really tough and also like your current medications may not be working. I suffer from depression and know how you feel about hating yourself. I have moved past this now though with drugs and counseling and family support. Do you have any family as you don't mention anyone. Part of recovery is realising it is not your fault but you need to work towards that. I don't know about a hospital stay it would not be for me but if you have the money its your call.

Personally if I had the money I would go for counseling and work on self care. You need to learn to love yourself and think about how you talk to yourself, would you say the things you say to yourself to a friend? I found this helped me reframe the unhelpful thoughts and be kind to myself. Good luck OP it's a horrible illness.

Self-loathing is part and parcel of depression for most people suffering with it. There’s really no need to see it as a personal failure, though I know it’s easier said than done (if not impossible to stop yourself doing). It should go away with treatment that works for you, which obviously it sounds like you haven’t found yet.

I really empathise OP. I was like you, so supportive of family members with mental illness but utterly unable to extend that compassion and understanding to myself.
In my case I eventually found an excellent psychologist and psychiatrist after years and years of struggling.
I'm finally learning to accept that that I actually desperately need support. And that I'm not weak or letting everyone down.
It's been a very long road to get to this stage and I still struggle with boundaries and putting myself out for others to my own detriment.
But I'm far more likely now to say "no, I can't manage that" or "no, I'm just too unwell right now"
It's liberating but it took finding the right professionals I could trust so I actually listen to and believe them.
Take all the help you can afford. It should be your top priority. Spending your money on professional care could transform your life.
A good hospital could be the best place to start undoing this pattern of self loathing and false idea that you have "a first world problem" you should just get over.

Thanks everyone. That is helpful to know that feeling can pass. Fingers crossed for getting to that point myself!

Your feelings of self hatred is normal in depression, but it will pass with the right treatment.
You have nothing to lose by trying a private hospital, although I understand it can be very expensive but your health is worth it in my opinion.
I hope you feel better soon.

What would you hope a private hospital admission would achieve as opposed to private outpatient therapy? You might be overestimating how much actual therapeutic input inpatients receive as opposed to just being contained.

Unless you have safety concerns I think you would achieve more (and be able to afford longer term therapy and support) if you had outpatient therapy.

Thank you both for your replies.

@Lemonpiano unfortunately its a bit of a case of choosing between two extremes. Due to a combination of where I live (not a big city, relatively little in the way of mental health services beyond basic individual therapy/counselling without driving for about 3 hours at the best of times) and covid also changing what's available, the only outpatient services available to me at the moment are an hour a week therapy over zoom. Versus if I went inpatient in the nearest major city then it would be a few hours a day of in-person group therapy. Due to covid even in that city its only being offered to inpatients at the moment, so doing it as a day patient and sorting out my own accommodation to reduce the cost isn't even an option. I wish there was more of a middle ground! It would be great to be able to get more outpatient without having to go inpatient again, as I don't think safety wise that is totally necessary at the moment. But equally I've been heading in the wrong direction with an hour a week (despite the therapist being great). Things at the moment don't feel sustainable, so something needs to change one way or another.

I’m really sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. I can’t offer much in the way of advice but wanted to thank you for sharing how you’re feeling. My depression is in no way as severe as yours sounds but so much of how you feel I can relate to. I feel I’m in conflict with myself, from realising I need help to being angry that I can’t just snap out of this. My family and friends are so sick of it and as you said I feel they think I’m a fraud that’s just making myself miserable. I have to remind myself that if that was the case it would be impossible to carry that on for 18 months.
I try really hard to hold in how I feel because it’s so difficult to make others understand why I’m like this. Sometimes when I do try to open up I just think they’re thinking I’m a joke and to sort myself out, stop all this self pity nonsense. I speak to a counsellor once a week but I really don’t know if I’m making any progress at all. I haven’t got any other options for help so I have to hope that it is.
I hope whatever you decide is the right choice for you.

@July56 thanks for sharing. It sounds like you are in a similar position, sending hugs and hope things improve for you soon! I'm sure you will be making some progress even if it doesn't feel that way. Its a good point that if someone was faking it, it would be near enough impossible to carry on for 18 months.