Anyone else really struggle with self care basics?

[SingToTheSky]

I feel so embarrassed but I just struggle to look after myself, I am constantly overwhelmed. (I am autistic and ADHD - waiting to go on meds for the latter)

It is so hard to be kind to myself, as on many levels I don’t feel I deserve it - no matter how much I talk through that in therapy it’s really hard to act on it IYSWIM. I’m a mess, my environment is a mess. I look after the DCs but not myself, which isn’t good for them anyway.

Anyone else? Can we encourage each other to look after ourselves please? Somehow it’s easier when others tell you.

Until recently I'm the same. I barely used to clean my teeth, or brush my hair. I'm trying to change.

No need to be embarrassed--I see threads like this all the time on here.

I struggle too. I don't have a diagnosis of autism or adhd but I've often wondered... or maybe I'm depressed because I do struggle to get motivated to even clean my teeth some days. I dunno.... I'll leave that Pandora's box closed for now 😂

Since 1st of jan, I've adopted a new routine, which I recommend. It consists of putting my DD to bed and having my shower then. Every other night I wash my hair. I plan to get it cut when lockdown ends (it's been 18 months and very overdue) and then on those nights I'll dry it too, and maybe straighten it.

Then, on the alternate evenings, I'm doing half hour self care acts after my shower. One of the following: shaving legs, trimming nether regions, plucking eyebrows, etc. Maybe even nails if I can be bothered one night next week! Maybe a hair mask. Oh and I have a face mask and a foot mask to use too.

This system means I don't get overwhelmed thinking I have so much to do all at once.

After a month or so I'll be a goddess 😂

I found that if I showered in the morning, I felt too rushed to shave my legs or condition/dry my hair.

This way I can relax a bit more. I just flannel wash in the mornings now.

So it's only been about a week but I'm enjoying the new system.

@ilkleymoorbartat snap! My hair gets sooo knotty!

Yes I have trouble with this. I too have a strategy of little and often (or less often, depending!) so it's not too overwhelming - I have even shaved one leg one day and the other leg another day!

Washing hair has recently been made much easier by discovering that I have not been washing it effectively for decades (nobody ever taught me self care so I'm still learning how to do things). I used to just slap the shampoo on, rub it about for a short time and wash off. I recently read that for best results squeeze out most of the water before adding shampoo and then massage your scalp for 1 - 3 mins. Now I only have to wash every 3 days rather than 2 days - brilliant! Makes each wash longer but worth it to get an extra day inbetween.

For ages I couldn't face brushing my teeth in the evening, just did mornings. But I am making myself brush briefly in the evening because of lack of dental access due to coronavirus. I reckoned that this was the single best change I could make for self-care.

Another thing I do is break things up, which is easier when not leaving the house. So I can't face teeth and wash face and bath/shower etc when I get up so I do other things inbetween each stage.

In the evening I try to do things before I get too tired as I know if I put it off it will get to the point where I go to bed without doing them.

Good luck and I hope it gets easier.

If I’m really struggling just brushing my teeth without the toothpaste is less likely to trigger my autistic sensory issues.

I’ve also found using cream cleanser instead of wash off ones is easier to do because I can do it in bed/anywhere as don’t need the sink. Also it feels gentler.
Hair washing I can only do if I’m having a good day, feel relaxed, no anxiety etc.

I used to. Often. Found the sensation of water on my skin really unpleasant and didn't think I deserved to eat or do any exercise. It's a horrible feeling.

The best way of tackling it was to tell myself: 'You don't have to want to do this, you just have to do it' That was my mantra for having a bath or shower, getting dressed, going for a walk etc.

Another was to check my attitude by asking if I'd treat DC like that. It just took me thinking 'Would you refuse to let DC have food/exercise/clean clothes?' to realise how wrong it is not to allow basic self care.

It also helps, I found, to give a little mental pat on the back each time you practise good self care. I used to keep a log when things were bad - checking off that I'd cleaned teeth, brushed hair, got dressed etc. Or saying 'Good' to myself out loud after each small act of self care. It may seem crazy to congratulate yourself for such small things but actually it's those small things that help us claw our way back out of depressions.

Glad I have found this thread. I struggle every day and have to talk myself into getting things done. Even though I know I would feel better but feel overwhelmed. As a question, if anyone can help/recommend something, I want to give me skin a major clean/scrub. Feel like I need to scrub a layer off to get good feeling skin. What would people recommend for the shower? Ta

I struggle with this too.

Interestingly I have a child with asd and adhd and have recently been having the realisation I perhaps do too.

@SingToTheSky. I’m terribly embarrassed to admit that I am unable to take care of myself. My hair is a tangled mess it’s much too long but my old hairdresser has retired and I don’t like strangers. I’m disabled, have chronic fatigue and have mental health problem at the moment. I’m a mess my home is a mess. I won’t let any people in. However I am supposed to be having a broadband engineer coming next week but my house is a tip. He probably will refuse to come in. I’ve been putting it off for months but I only have my iPad and couldn’t be without it. If anyone had told me a couple of years ago that I would end up like the filthy homes off the tv I would never have believed it, I used to be so house proud. 💐to you Op

Ladybird can you speak to your GP? Can you get pip to pay for a cleaner?

Wow thank you all so much for the replies. I’m glad I’m not alone in this, but sorry you all have struggled with it too. I feel like it’s quite a taboo subject so I’m very grateful you have opened up.

I just wish my self esteem wasn’t in tatters. My therapist is fab (she is an autism specialist too, so really understands how my mind works) and I also did an excellent course last year before lockdown, about adverse childhood experiences, which helped me feel a bit stronger. On paper I can say a few things that I’m good at.

And yet I still don’t value myself much. I notice it with my mental health too, if I’m stressed and heading for a shutdown (when I’m overwhelmed etc) I don’t actually look after myself enough by taking a break because everyone else needs something and I’m bottom of my own list. But it doesn’t even help everyone else because I end up completely worn out and useless and spend so much time in this overwhelmed state!

@Ladybird69 sorry about the chronic fatigue. I was diagnosed with CFS in 2012 and then fibromyalgia. It adds a whole other barrier when it’s physically exhausting to look after yourself doesn’t it, although I know it is worth it in the long run.

@Labobo I love the idea of not having to like it. I have also set up a self care chart in my new bullet journal and I’m trying to take the time to fill that in as I enjoy it (I find colouring in tiny squares very motivating!) and I have written things like “self care is not indulgence” etc. I’m also trying hard not to be a perfectionist about it as being autistic I can be very all or nothing and there’s a risk that if I don’t fill it all in I will just give up. I need to just celebrate the achievements and move past the fails!

@PurpleMustang I love a good sugar or salt scrub! Soap and Glory ones in boots smell nice but they’re quite pricey, there’s brands like Sanctuary that do nice ones as well I believe. You can make your own, my mum used to make salt scrubs with a carrier oil and essential oil, I’d love to try that (I quite fancy making my own soaps too).

@Greatmusic I didn’t learn this stuff as a child either, I am trying to make sure my own DCs have better self care skills but it feels like a losing battle. I didn’t know that about hair washing tips, thank you!

@hellolittlebaby your routine sounds great! We have to find what fits in best with our lives, no one size fits all - fantastic you’ve worked out what is better for you!

I find I wake up better if I shower in the morning (I stopped work due to health issues so I don’t need to rush) and if I leave it I end up unlikely to bother. But I also want to exercise first thing, so I need to get into a routine of getting dressed in my gym stuff, briefly/gently exercising, then shower and breakfast.

@YourHandInMyHand happy to discuss autism/ADHD stuff. It is so often the case that parents realise after their own DCs are diagnosed! The executive function difficulties make self care all the harder.

@ilkleymoorbartat glad you are trying to improve self care skills 💐

@Sarahandduck18 I like the sound of cream cleanser, is that something you use with cotton wool pads? I was thinking of a little nightly routine, I was using face wipes but I’m not that keen on them. Plus hand cream. It would be nice to take the time for myself.

Thank you OP, I do have a sanctuary scrub but will look out the Soap and Glory ones. Something new always helps with a kick to get a bit of motivation. Any suggestions on a good scrub applicator to help scrub the skin?

@Sarahandduck18 it’s so difficult to speak to my GP as shes very much in demand. I get pip but it’s finding a cleaner in these times that is difficult and one that I can trust.
@SingToTheSky CFS is awful isn’t it, others really don’t understand the illness and how it feels. It’s not just feeling a bit tired. It’s beyond exhausted and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Also it’s so frustrating because I want to do it all, head says yeh body says no.