Don’t want to live but don’t want to die ...

[LostAllHopeAgain]

I’m tired of living like this. Sick of fucking coronavirus (and existing, tbh). Backstory—in Summer 2019 I was suicidal, tried to kill myself, self harming and was awaiting a depression and anxiety diagnoses. Yet I managed to get through that. DM and DB almost died which was a rather traumatic time, had an eating disorder and by the time lockdown came around I was finally in a good (ish) place.

Yet it’s all stopped now. I can’t cope with it. I just want to cry constantly but I can’t. I have to stay strong for DM and DB. I do have some friends yet due to past issues I’d rather not tell them about everything that happened. I get triggered over things even relating to hospitals or what happened, I’m a total mess.

Had a medication review the other day, I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I’m struggling. But I am. Stuck like this for God knows how long. I’m so fucking tired. I don’t want to go on like this anymore. But I know if I die, then how would my family cope

Don’t want to live but don’t want to die ...

Well then choose the option that still gives you options next week.

Had a medication review the other day, I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I’m struggling. But I am. Stuck like this for God knows how long. I’m so fucking tired. I don’t want to go on like this anymore. But I know if I die, then how would my family cope

You poor thing.

You have to find a way to ask for the help you need. Your family need you, yes, but you also deserve it for yourself.

Do you have a partner to help you get help? Could you email the surgery telling them you downplayed your symptoms at the review and need help? Is there a local community MH service with a website?

No partner, live at home with parents still. I was under CAMHS (16) yet released when I was doing better. When I spoke to the doctor yesterday they mentioned going back there which I refused

Why aren’t you keen on the CAMHS idea? Bad experience? It’s normally hard to get sent back there once you’re signed off. Are you in that tricky 16-18 age group?

Yes in the tricky age group. I used to have lots of appointments there and I had a whole family situation which meant we had too many appointments to go to so we were rushing around all the time. My parents think I’m better and I don’t want them to know that I’m not

You need support from somewhere. If facing your parents’ reaction is too big a thing to deal with right away, try online sources of help and rebook your medicine review.

What about something inline and anonymous like youngminds.org.uk/ ?

Please tell your mum I can assure you you will feel better and she will want to know.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.