Partner is depressed - not sure how to talk to him

[PostcardsfromCats]

Long story but will try to keep to most important points.

My partner of 3 years is depressed. He has talked about suicide on a few occasions over the last18 months, seen his GP and has now been on Citalopram for about a year. Last week he was talking to me about suicide again.

The main reason for his depression is he’s going through a very long toxic divorce, court cases and is self-representing.

He’s 3 months away from his divorce concluding and seems to be panicking about the final hearings coming up. He got very stressed over Christmas and there were shenanigans with his Ex over seeing his daughter.

Anyway - he is acting completely out of character and said he wanted to end our relationship but couldn’t / wouldn’t explain why.

A day later he was back to ‘normal’ and seemed like he wanted to stay together and then two days after said he couldn’t cope with the court hearings and wanted to stop them and give in on all counts. Then went back to saying he couldn’t be in a relationship right now. We went round and round in circles.

When I asked him to explain why he was ending things he said he felt he wasn’t good enough for me, is causing me lots of stress and just wants to be alone. He said he loves me very much but that he’s dragging me down with his depression and divorce and wasting my life. Thinks I’ll meet someone ‘better’ than him.

I love him and I still want to be with him. I think that with the right support he can get through the next few months and his divorce will conclude. I do see a future with him.

But he’s cutting himself off. No advice seems to work and I’m not sure how to talk to him or the right things to say.

I just keep on telling him how much I love him and that I want to help him - as that’s all I can think to do.

Could be significant - about a month ago he upped the Citalopram from 20 to 30mg, two weeks after he felt exhausted and weird and (with GP advice) went back down to 20 again. Could that have affected him?

Maybe it would be best for him to get through the divorce and used to an independent life before dating. It's not a daft idea. You could take a break and see how it goes.

Don't set yourself up as therapist to a suicidal person.

He may need a break from relationships to focus on himself, his child and to generally get his head on straight.

We have been together for 3 years. It’s not just dating. I have been his main support for a while and I am worried that - as he is refusing counselling or to talk to other people - he will have no support.

There’s a real risk here.

I am not trying to be a therapist - I’m just trying to support him and not say the wrong things.

He doesn’t seem to know what he wants.

Keeps saying he loves me.

Often people will refuse counselling as they use their partner for support. Sometimes they will seek help when the partner says it is to help them the support partner who is struggling.

The other thing is to take yourself to counselling. This normalises counselling in your household. It also gives you much needed professional support yourself.

You'll probably get more answers if you post in Relationships.

I’ve been seeing a counsellor myself every week for 8 months - because of this - that’s how I cope

Do you know why is he refusing professsional support? Does he know he is being selfish?

He has had two short lots of counselling over the last 18 months - funded by NHS & a charity, but it wasn’t really long enough and he felt the counsellors were young and inexperienced / not a good fit.

He is skeptical and reluctant to pay for a long term course of sessions himself.

I have not told him he’s selfish as I’m not sure that’s a good idea in his current frame of mind

Maybe the process of searching for a suitable counsellor would help him. He would have to think about what he wants out of it, which might be helpful in itself.

He needs to go back to the GP. If the lower dose isn’t controlling the issue then he may need to switch to another anti depressant.
If he won’t accept CBT or other treatment then you’re better off without him. You can’t cure him. He needs to accept help and if part of that is a form of counselling then he would be selfish not to try it.

He really needs to go back to the GP. And you are trying so hard, but you're not a professional and this is so much stress and responsibility on your shoulders.
You're effectively a carer, not a partner.
While he's putting everything on you he has no incentive to get proper help as you're propping him up.
I've been where you are and I know how much you want to keep him safe but you simply cannot do that yourself.
He needs outside support/correct medication.
Please take care of yourself. It's not selfish to take some time away from this. It's self preservation.

I agree with the others that he really should go back to see the gp. My husband has depression and it is challenging to deal with. It’s pretty well managed now, but when he does have bad times I tend to try and take the mental load a bit more - and I appreciate that it might sound wildly patronising to anyone who hasn’t been in this situation, and of course different people respond to different things....Anyway, for example, if he was getting caught up in a work problem and spiralling into a vortex of indecision / avoidance / anger, I’d talk it through with him and make a list of clear, manageable steps that he needs to go through to resolve it.
Hope that is of some help.
Do look after yourself too though - having a partner with depression can feel like a very heavy weight. Depression is something that with the right help can be managed, even if it is hard at times. Good times will return. I hope that your partner and you get through this ok.

Actually, I’ve re- read your post and I haven’t answered it at all. Def he needs to see the gp or a crisis team.

Re counselling - there are loads of different types and people out there. My DH probably saw 5 different ones before he found one he liked, and who actually made a difference.

@LoisLanyard Thank you - very helpful. x

The talking round to avoid the spiral is very familiar and usually I manage with patience to get him to see things differently / clearer. It’s just this time has been far worse and much harder to deal with.

I am fairly good at self-care - set myself tasks to keep me occupied and have my own weekly counselling session.

His issue is he is a victim of domestic abuse and coercive control - for which he needs professional help, a counsellor with the right skills (the previous two did not have this specialism).

The main thing to be clear on us that there IS an end to it - his divorce IS concluding by the end of March, as there are two separate final hearings between now and then. Despite everything I don’t feel it’s a hopeless situation. He HAS made a lot of progress in the time I’ve known him. It’s just going to be tough helping him through the next few hoops.

I’ve been through a long toxic divorce myself and sometimes it felt like it would never end, that I was trapped. But I know it does and there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

As of yesterday we are back together again - but obviously things aren’t quite right still.

It’s hard isn’t it. But your partner sounds lucky to have someone as understanding as you by his side. I hope you he finds the right counsellor - it has honestly turned my DH’s (and hence mine) life around. Good luck x