I'm not sure if I need to try and get help or not because I can recognize that some of what I'm thinking/feeling isn't what other people would believe, I don't tell anybody in real life what i'm thinking because they would think i'm making it all up ir laugh at me (and alot just wouldn't care at all). But I'm also concerned that it is getting harder to separate what is real and what is just in my head.
Some of the thoughts i'm having are:
- if I tried to commit suicide it wouldn't work, no matter what I do I would still survive but probably feel rough while still having to do everything I have to get done in the day.
- this isn't real, none of this is real. The pandemic is in my head, I'm stuck in my own head and this is all made up.
- my partners mum is trying to take my eldest daughter away (this has been an ongoing thing since my daughter was born 5 years ago, I'm pretty sure i'm right on this one).
- every time I walk to work I get a feeling that something awful is going to happen and we are all going to die and I won't be with my children when that happens.
I know that having it written down like that looks bad, but I do know that some of those things aren't reallt true like the pandemic not being real - I mainly feel like that after really bad news like after the lockdown being announced last night. But some of it really does feel true even though I know other people don't agree with me. I don't know if I should be calling somebody or not (I don't know who I'm supposed to call, I'm meant to have a crisis team but I haven't heard from anyone since March last year, I've been forgotten about again). I have BPD, I don't know if that is relevant - it might be I think it makes me a bad person, alot of people say that people with BPD are abusive and manipulative so maybe its just that.