What is going on in my weird fucking mind?

[LordOfTheOnionRings]

Hi,

Weird one, I'm wndering if anyone might know what I might be experiencing or have had anything similar.

I have my little boy Dec 2019 and the love I have for him is greater than I ever imagined. I did not have PPD or any real issues after birth but I did have an emergency c section where I had to be put to sleep because of complications. In hospital a few weeks but overall fine health.

It sounds so stupid to say this out loud but it all started when Naya Rivera died. I cried when I read she had a four year old son she died saving and cried even more when I realised he wouldn't remember her.

Now I know we all die some day blah blah but lately it's like my head is filled with death and these weird scenarios and my mind goes there before I know what's happening. I cry about six times a day imagining things like I get cancer, my son drowns, my son get stuck in a landslide and more ridiculous things. I am not trying to think about this stuff it just comes to me. I am starting to be convinced that he will die in his sleep. It terrifies me, I cannot sleep now and check on him multiple times a night.

This might not make sense and I know I'm being irrational but what the fuck is going on??????

If your mad then your certainly not alone as I am the exact same but instead it's about horrible, evil things I read or see on the news, articles, things I find myself seeing without doing much digging (one more click on fb type of thing) about children either dying in horrible ways or being trafficked or abused, I've seen some evil things shared about what's happening right now out there and it makes me sick to my stomach and just like you these images come to my head and I feel physically sick I have to literally make my head go somewhere else, I could be looking at my beautiful babies sleeping and a vision comes in my head, it's so disturbing I hate it, I wish I'd never seen or read these things but it's things you can't unread or unsee. I hate it so much because I want to help poor children in these situations but at the same time I can't. It haunts me every single day.

Sorry I have no answer for you but your not alone.

I get something similar and for years didn't even know how to explain it. They're called intrusive thoughts. I went to my gp about it and he said there is something called pure O - obsessive compulsive disorder but no compulsive behaviour, just the obessesive. I was referred for CBT, which helped. Maybe make a doctor's appointment. Hope you are able to learn some strategies to manage it x

@ previous poster - I'm exactly the same. So much so I've come off FB and I don't ever read or look at anything that will trigger me. I don't watch horror movies or sexually violent things, I can't read certain news articles either. It's horrible. Worse when I'm stressed.

Hi op, I had thoughts like this after the birth of 2 of my kids. Turns out it was post partum depression, it can manifest in different ways.

Thanks guys. I think coming off of social media will help. My Instagram is full of sick kids dying of various things. Brain cancer is one that I worry about a lot. I know what will be will be and the likelihood is slim but I just cannot switch this constant motion picture of sadness off inside of my mind, it's so strange, I don't WANT to think about it.

Thank guys, I'm going to call my doctor and see what they suggest as it's really starting to get me down. We are in tier 4 too and I'm working from home so that isolation aspect is making it much worse, nothing else to focus on.

Appreciate that I'm not the only one.

I've had OCD since I was 8 and since having my baby I have these intrusive thoughts more. You are not alone. There's some great YouTube videos on this, look up Katie D'Ath. There's techniques which are very helpful while waiting for therapy. I've never had therapy for this myself (tried with the NHS but didn't find it helpful personally) I found learning about it through YouTube and books helped. A book called 'Brain lock' about OCD is very good too

I've also deleted social media and news apps on my phone and watch less violence on tv, I find this helps

I am also suffering badly with this and posted a similar thread last night, will try to link to it x

Morbid thinking www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/4124719-morbid-thinking

Hi @LordOfTheOnionRings sorry to hear you've been having a rough time of it! There's nothing wrong with your mind at all. Thoughts like that are so common and it's your mind's way of trying to protect you (hard to believe I know). It's a really common symptom of OCD and as someone else mentioned above, Pure-O. The anxiety is so high that your brain is imagining worse case scenarios, which then results it going into fight or flight mode.

I would strongly recommend speaking with your GP first. You will prob get referred for CBT, but personally the only therapy that helped me was ERP (exposure, response, prevention) which tackles the thoughts head on. Though I don't know if you'll need that, you could just need someone to talk it over with.

A couple of books that really helped me understand the mind more & thoughts are -

Overcoming unwanted and intrusive thoughts
The happiness trap
The mind workout

All three helped me no end.

Feel free to message me if you ever feel like it's getting too much. I suffered greatly after having my son three years ago and am pretty well & healthy now x

Thank you everyone. Appreciate the time you've taken to send me information and let me know I'm not alone. I don't feel comfortable talking to people about it in real life and I just laugh it off to my partner. I haven't been confident enough to tell anyone that it's really draining me.

Every time I have a happy moment with my little boy, it's almost I feel too happy and then I get an imagine of him being hit by a car and I just break down. It's almost like my mind can't let me be happy.