Argh don't know where to start. Long history of depression but not a depressive - just had a lot of very nasty crap happen to me in my life - bad family stuff etc. In fact often I often wouldn't realise I was depressed, would strive to continue but things just stopped working.
7 month old DS who is a handful (lovely but very demanding and active) and a DP who is work work work, no family living near, not may mates as recently moved.
Sleepless nights took their toll but I could cope with that - the problem is that recently I have been feeling like a spare wheel with DP, a bit like a crap "housewife" as I can't manage to keep everything tidy as well look after DS at the moment. DP eats all his meals except the evening meal at work, does all his own laundry separately and seems to lead his life independantly from me, though I don't think he realises it. He says he loves me but I feel he wouldn't notice my absence, apart from my role in looking after our son (ie I do it all).
Also, I had a job that was intellectually challenging and used to read loads and write, as well as do lots of walking in nature etc. Now I feel like the inner me has been neglected and much as I love my son I am starting to feel like an old tree what ain't got no water, as it says in some Mike Leigh film...I feel spread pretty thin.
I am thinking about going to my GP for AD medication but I am breastfeeding, worried about implications of transfer to DS.
Would LOVE to be able to go to therapy but childcare is the problem there. Plus it costs £35 a pop and money is a bit tight at the moment.
I am afraid of getting more depressed as I am now also responsible for my son and worry about how it will affect him. I have already noticed that I feel like DS is the boss if you know what I mean, like I am constantly trying to placate him and that he feels angry at me (yes yes I know he is only a baby and its daft, I am trying to illustrate my stupid "victim" mindset).
I have had urges to leave DP but know this would end up with DS and me worse off than we are.
Starting to waffle now. Sorry. So tired and fed up.
Anyone able to offer an opinion or any advice I would really appreciate it. Thanks.