Never wake up TW:sex/DV

[PurpleFrames]

Does anyone else find this time of year depressing? A so called fresh start but all the same baggage dragging into the new year. I have PTSD (partly) from an exP that made all celebrations hell as it detracted attention from him. Almost 4yrs on and I'm still having visions of him strangling me whilst he had sex with me. Punishments for doing things wrong and giving him enough attention. I was also sexually abused in childhood by multiple people. I feel defective.

The community mental health team has discharged me as they can't help. I'm not having any sort of treatment. Any interaction with the NHS seems to be completely useless so I've given up seeking help.

Just feel like this will never end. I'll always be damaged, will never have a family, kids and I'll be alone always. Just want to shut my eyes and never wake up.

Not even sure what the point of this ramble post was. Sorry if you made it this far.

Do you know what, I don't have any useful advice I'm sorry, but when I read your post I thought 'wow you're so strong, look at how much you've overcome'. I'm wallowing in my own self pity and you've been through so much more. I think you're amazing OP.

I too am a severe sexual abuse survivor, I have my baggage I won't let someone I don't know very well even touch my hand if they are handing me something like a lighter.

But for all this I am now happy yes I have my scars and my bad days but generally I'm happy you can be too. It will get better if just takes time and patience. Much love and be kind to yourself.

Yes I do find this time of year depressing, an ex p made every year lonely for me and the DC, luckily back then I had my DM, without her I don't know what I'd have done.

You've had real trauma OP, and this time of year brings everything to the surface, this year is by far the worst for most. Do you have anyone you can reach out to in real life?

Why have the CMHT discharged you? Clearly you are still struggling. Can you discuss with your GP?

Why have they discharged you? Did they give you therapy and that's finished or did they not offer anything? It's really concerning someone would be left with no support given your past traumas.
Do you have family or friends nearby and are they supportive?
We are here for you x

Hi OP, so sorry you are feeling this way. I agree with PP, you have survived so much and that shows your strength. You're right, the new year doesn't automatically make anything change or go away, but still I hope for you that you will find support and happiness this year. Take care

@suddengate Thank you that's very kind. Sorry to hear you are feeling down x

@Theodoreb Can I ask how long it took you to get to that point? And did you do any specific therapies?

@Itsallpointless It seems from you post that your DM is no longer with us? I'm so sorry :( I don't feel I can really burden anyone with my issues. I would have talked to my mental health nurse but as I say I have been discharged from mental health care.

@Someone1987 thank you x It's quite common nowadays to discharge people who don't make enough progress as they don't have capacity. That is my experience, I have had an few sessions of assessment for a therapy but no actual treatment. I'm either told I'm too risky or not ready to engage. The cmht did not listen to my opinions and also ignored that of my GP and social worker who felt I needed a consistent and regular person to contact as I am high risk due to hospital admissions, daily self harm and several suicide attempts.

@acornsandoaktrees I like your username :) thank you for saying that, I hope the same for you.

I also have a history of sexual trauma and a diagnosis of PTSD. I’m so sorry you are struggling.

I have to say, the NHS were pretty useless for me as well. I was told that I was fine by a gateway worker, because I’d obviously had a shower that day! At the time I was self harming and barely getting through the day. Luckily my GP then referred me directly to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed the PTSD. However, I was also told I was too much of a risk for counselling and that the lost would be very long.

So, I decided to start private therapy at that point, about a year ago. I’m having to make large cutbacks in other areas of my life to afford it, but I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere and I couldn’t carry on as I was.

It has been the best decision I’ve made.

I still Struggle with flashbacks and nightmares - but I know I’m making progress. COVID hasn’t helped, as my therapy has been online for ages, which isn’t particular useful as I dissociate. So I’ve not been able to truly work on the trauma yet, but i have found lots of healthy coping strategies. Hopefully, come the spring, face to face therapy can restart and I can make more progress.

I really hope you find something that works for you.

I'm sorry to hear the poor care I'm my area isn't a one off @Ilovetogarden1

Is the therapy you do a specific kind or more like a general counselling type?

I have dissociated in the traditional way but I also get weird phases where I can't control any impulse and I don't feel connected with my usual self. Very akin to being high on drugs and disinhibited.. I have bought this up a few times especially when I was getting negativity from medical staff for repeated self harm, but no one has taken me seriously (yet?).

@PurpleFrames

My therapy is more focused on the mind/body connection. I plan on doing some EMDR in the future.

I’m sorry your dissociation isn’t taken seriously. To be fair, it was part of my diagnosis of PTSD - but nothing specific was offered. My therapists has suggested that as I become able to piece the trauma together and few more safe/secure, I should dissociated less.

You aren't "defective" . You have had natural reactions to abusive treatment by others. They are the defective ones.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so isolated at the moment.
Have you spoken with this organisation at all? They were so helpful with me, and understand the issues. It's for adult survivors of abuse in childhood. They have a support line too, don't think that they won't listen because you've also had an abusive relationship as an adult.

They " get it" and have trained volunteers who can help support you, and signpost you for further therapy.

Take care of yourself, thinking of you, and wishing you better days to come.

Here's the link. Give them a call. If you don't know what to say, they'll help prompt.. Share as much, or as little, as you want.
napac.org.uk/calling-our-support-line/

@Ilovetogarden1 I have heard really great things about EMDR. I wish you deeply all the best in your recovery.

I don't know if it is normal to have different reactions to different traumas? The childhood sexual abuse by a relative I have no real memories of but I get intricate flashbacks of my partner including pointless elements such as the colour shirt worn or who he had spoken to that day.

What a great username @JuliaCheeser and no I haven't ever spoken to them. I will give it a go it looks a really good organisation. I hope you are doing better now.

It took me a total of 2 years worth of three types of therapy psychotherapy ACAT and Cbt to get there

I'm doing fine now thanks so much @PurpleFrames.
Yes, it's not unusual to have different reactions to different situations when I've talked to other survivors.
Get support from someone who understands this kind of trauma, particularly dissociation, and has proper qualifications too.
Womens Aid, or Napac are good starting points.
Take care you, thinking of you

I am having a bit of a crisis tonight, I am staying away from my usual home and panicking (due to breaking news updates) that Boris will change the rules and I won't be able to get back to my house.

I have had lots (too much) time to think and am feeling a bit abandoned by services. I could die and no one would notice. I can't remember last time I felt safe. Why do they think it is ok to be suffering?

I have been a self harmer since 5 and made several attempts on my life. Sorry I just felt words flow and wanted to get it out. I don't feel there is a person in the world who cares or could help me which is making me feel desperate.

If you are reading this please don't think I'm ignoring good advice for a self pity party I just can't take it in to act on it atm.

Hello there.
I know you aren't ignoring good advice. It's hard to take a step forward, sometimes, when you feel let down by services.
Give NAPAC or Women's Aid a call. Don't give up if you don't get through the first time or you can email them and they will get back to you.
You've survived a lot of awful stuff, but you need to be able to thrive too.
None of this was your fault, do this for yourself, you can do it.
Safe hug to you if that's ok. Willing you the strength to do this.
NAPAC napac.org.uk
Womens Aid
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/