Im 24 with 2 children, Since I can remeber I have had mental health issues, my first real attempt to end it all was when I was about 15 with an overdose, I went to bed just preying I wouldnt wake up in the morning, unfortunately I did, with my mum and dad kicking off because they had found all the empty packets of painkillers. I remeber waking up and having my parents sat there staring at me as if they have been sat there all night thinking of what they would say, the first thing that came out of their mouths was, you stupid b*tch. I had grown up with 3 older brothers and I was treated as the runt of the litter, if someone was having a bad day i would be the one to know about it, I was also sexually abused as a child. I left home at16 and got into a abusive relationship that lasted for about 4 years until I had a child with him and realised I couldn't bring a child up around violence, I ended it and immediately got into another relationship just to get my babies dad out the picture. Fast forward 4 years and we have a child together. My children are the only reason I'm still here, I love them so much. I'm trying so hard to be a good mum, to keep the house clean, to keep them happy and well fed and always want to make sure they have the best of everything. Since I had my youngest I have felt so alone, so pointless, my first child birth was so easy, lovely natural birth and breast fed with out problems. This time round with out the added abuse the pregnancy was so much harder, my partner wasnt there with me, I was in labour for days then had to had an emergency cesarean during lockdown. No visitors, struggling to breast feed, birthing plan didnt work, in pain, alone.
I wanted to bring my child into the world positively and since having my youngest, I have never felt more like a failure than I do now.