Struggling with hospital job depression and anxiety and feel like a failure

[ghostmous3]

I clean covid wards at a local hospital and already I'm at breaking point. I havent had the job that long 5 months and I'm struggling so much. I've had very little formal training or support just chucked in at the deep end and expected to get on with the job. The job is chaotic and bullying and favouritism is rife among the department.
Today I made a mistake which could have had awful consequences but I wasnt told beforehand and I had no briefing either by supervision and now I'm in bits. Stress levels are so high and moral so high on our department. I feel so guilty for feeling like this because I'm just a cleaner but so many of us have had covid and 2 people have already died that were cleaners or porters one of which was a family member
I'm not sleeping, I feel like self harming (ongoing thing with me) I have anxiety about going in to work. To top it all my overtime was scrubbed off and I havent been paid properly since I started.

I'm such a failure. I feel guilty I cant cope and my adhd means that I'm struggling with never working in the same place twice

I dont expect anyone to have any answers or even to read this. I just dont have anywhere to vent

Moral so low not high sorry

Hi OP - firstly, thank you so much for the job you have been doing. It's so, so important and I'm so sorry you've had such a shit time.

As you mention you have ADHD, it may be worth speaking with management about applying for Access to Work (via gov.uk) for some extra support and guidance. They can help you with things like paying for coping strategy training and formulating a report with reasonable adjustments for your employer to make for you on there.

Ask for help, it's there and it'll benefit both you and your employer if you can understand how to work better together.

I hope positive change is coming for you - all the best

I'm really worried about telling management about my adhd. They are not very understanding. Bullying is rife there

I've filled in an e form for the doctors, waiting for a phone call tomorrow to see what they say

Thank you though. I will look into that. I just dont know where to start

You are not 'just a cleaner'. The work you are doing is vitally important and you are making a difference. You are part of the overall team doing important work.