When you’re depressed but have nothing to be depressed about

[justpoppy]

I’ve really struggled this year over Christmas. Winter, darker nights have always been a trigger for me and I’ve been hospitalised the past few years at this time. I was determined this year would be different. My dp and I (been together 5 years) moved in together between lockdowns and have been so happy in our new house. My ds has settled well and dsc treat this as their home as much as their home with they DM. We split Christmas with the kids which mainly worked well but I’ve had this underlying feeling of sadness and anxiety throughout which has hit me today and I’ve barely got out of bed. DP try’s to be supportive but doesn’t really get it. He’s blown up at me tonight about something really minor and gone upstairs to sleep in one of the kids rooms. He’s right I do have a lovely life and have nothing to be depressed about but I still struggle. I just don’t know what to do. I’m on medication and have been long term. I’ve tried most AD’s and AP’s but can’t take anything that make me gain weight which has ruled out a few this year. Not sure why I’m writing really. Just thought someone might be able to talk me down a bit or it would make more sense written down.

Depression and anxiety don't always need an obvious worrying point. You poor thing. It's horrid.
Get some support sooner rather than later. Don't let him minimise it. He perhaps just doesn't know how to deal with it but you should still call your GP. There is hope, I promise. But please ask someone IRL xx

You’re absolutely right he doesn’t know how to deal with it. I’ve told him there’s nothing he needs to say but just give me a hug and tell me everything’s going to be ok but I think this last few days he resents me for ruining Christmas and that’s why he blew up tonight. My care is sorted by a private psych but because I don’t know what’s causing the problem I can’t see talking therapies helping as I wouldn’t know what the talk about.

If i were you, I'd take the ADs and just live with the weight gain. That's what i did. I miss being a size 10, but i really fucking don't miss wanting to die all the time.

I also have nothing to be depressed about. It's bad biology, like asthma or diabetes, and you and your DP need to treat it as such.

And talking therapy did really help.

Bad biology. That’s a good way of looking at it.

I can’t deal with the weight gain. I’ve suffered with ED’s since my teens and just can’t do it. I tried amytriptiline along with an anti psychotic but gained 3 stone really quickly and felt so out of control.

Have you tried something like sertraline, or a different SSRI? Those worked well for me with minimal weight gain.

I’ve stuck with fluoxetine for a long time because of the lack of side effects. I guess I need to talk to my psychiatrist again but but because I’ve tried so many combos over the years I think we’re running out of options.

Even if there isn't an obvious cause and it's a biology thing - talking therapies can still help to cope and manage with the symptoms.
Hope it eases for you soon OP

@nobucketlist

Even if there isn't an obvious cause and it's a biology thing - talking therapies can still help to cope and manage with the symptoms. Hope it eases for you soon OP

This.

It's hard when your depressed for no reason. I agree with taking the medication. It must be really hard for your DP. I don't think I could live with somebody who was permanently depressed.,

In the old days the school of thought was that there were 2 broad types of depression, endogenous and exogenous. Coming from within ('the black dog), and coming from without (reactive depression).
Nowadays things are more nuanced,but I find it useful to think of reactive depression or brain depression (I get endo and exo confused!) Depression can just be, it doesn't need a reason. Like many cancers or type 1 diabetes, there may not be an obvious cause.
However, you won't get better by not addressing the problem. Pick your own treatment plan. If talking therapies are out, I'd go for:

• regular exercise (commit to what works for you. Expect your household to prioritise it on the same level as work).
• vitamin D, no downsides to that.
• take the drugs. Better to be overweight and well than skinny and depressed.

Other options include

• supercharge the self care (good sleep, massages, long baths to hush the brain)
• mediation / mindfulness especially acceptance and commitment therapy, which has an excellent evidence base and is available on the NHS in some areas if you have a year or so to wait on the list. (Hint: the sooner you get on it the sooner you get to.the top)
• diet - eat for nutrition.. green leaves and oily fish, lay off the sugar.

Good luck. Oh last potential treatment, if you notice a monthly pattern, chat to your GP about changing your pill. The coil saved my life!

I agree @Viviennemary but I’m not permanently depressed. Dark nights of winter are a bad time for me but usually come spring I’ve turned it around and can feel semi ok again. It just feels particularly different this time as I’m sharing a house with my DP and I guess maybe having to deal with my emotions and behaviours differently (which I’m trying to get my headround now). My default is to hide away, switch off my phone and wait for it to pass but obviously living as a proper family now that doesn’t really work.

@Love51 what a lovely post thankful. I practice mindfulness (did 2 years of intense DBT about 11 years ago and I swear it saved my life). Self care I seem to dip in and out of. Exercise isn’t something that comes naturally to me but I do it regardless and feel good when it’s done! My diet is actually better than it’s ever been as I’m having to prepare a meal for my DS, DP and any of the dsc that are around. This I do enjoy but feel quite overwhelmed at times that it’s me that has to decide what to feel everyone (suffering with ED’s for a long time makes this quite challenging!)

Oh and DP has had the snip so that goodness no birth control needed for me any more. Taking the pill in my 20 and 30’s made things so much worse and the side effects were hell on earth!

I remember my friend saying what did I have to be depressed about when I told her I felt depressed. The words have stayed with me for about 20 years. In part I agreed with what she said, what did I have to be depressed about, but it was how I felt.
If I told my dh I felt that way, I would expect him to be understanding and not go and sleep elsewhere.
I wonder if it affects you during the winter months whether a SAD lamp would help?

What about one of those light lamps to help with winter depression.

I’ve tried those. The alarm clock one didn’t wake me up and I had a lamp that I bought when they first came out and I’m not sure how effective it was. I’m sure they’ve come along way since then though so I shall look into it again. Wfh at the moment so it would be easy to have on my desk while I’m working.

So sorry to read you are struggling @justpoppy

Depression is absolutely horrific and still misunderstood. I’m glad you’ve come to talk on here.
I think as PP have said some people just don’t know how to deal with it and that can make you feel even more bleak.
What is your DH like when it’s a physical illness? Does he look after you then? I think because depression isn’t something you can see (although can manifest itself with physical symptoms too) that’s another reason people don’t know what to do. If someone had a migraine no one would tell them to pull themselves together but would offer tablets, a darkened room etc.
It doesn’t matter if you have feel you have nothing to be depressed about. It’s a chemical imbalance and something some people are genetically predisposed to. There’s no rhyme or reason.
Again I agree with PP that talking therapies can work. What is your GP like? Do you feel going back to them would help? It may take a while to sort out what works for you whether it be tabs/counselling or a mixture of both. Also (and I know this sounds like a complete cliche) but I find one of the things that works for me is yoga (sticking with the mindfulness theme one of the PP’s mentioned). Don’t know if this is something you like or can find time to do but may be worth exploring. Sending you hugs and strength. I know how hard it can be to keep going some days x

During the worst episode of depression I've ever had, I had "nothing to be depressed about". Outwardly my life was great - I was young, I had no big responsibilities, I had an okay part time job while studying at uni doing a degree I liked, I had friends, nothing big or terrible happened, but nevertheless I developed an illness (depression) that made my quality of life so shit that I didn't want to be alive anymore. You are certainly not alone in experiencing mental ill health while having a "lovely life". And people who make us feel bad for being depressed whilst having a "lovely life" just add an unnecessary later of guilt and shame to an already shitty situation. You can't will yourself better from illness by looking around at the nice things in your life. And guilt and shame won't help you find your way out of a depressive episode either, in fact they may prolong it. From reading your post it sounds to me like your partner might need to expand his understanding of mental illness in order to best support you. And, like others have already said, like you would benefit from more professional support, whatever form that may take. You deserve to feel better than this, and you will, but in the meantime please try to treat yourself with the kindness and empathy you deserve.

I was similar to you. My little sad lamp works well that & exercise but the biggie They found out I was very low in vit D from a blood test & since I had it prescribed in high doses (I buy it now, gps told me the dosages et) I take it october to March & it's helped no end. Have you had yours checked? I was like it since a teenager & it's made a massive difference In Winter.

When I was having regular blood tests for my ED VITAMIN d was one of the things that flagged up. I’m quite nervous to go for a blood test now because of Covid but would be happy to buy vitamin d over the counter I’m just not sure what strength.

Its not your fault OP. You might as well say you have nothing to be diabetic about for all you can help it.

I'm on Amitriptyline too and it isnt an easy one to adjust to. I would recommend giving it a bit longer. The weight gain is murder and the mood swings...well the less said the better but it does level out and helps a lot once you're established on it.

Have you had your B12 level checked? Its a common one to miss.

In the meantime counselling might help even if only as an outlet. At the moment with things so hard I can't really do a lot to help myself but have found that I'm using sessions with my therapist mostly to vent at him so I don't blow up at my family. Not a lot of meaningful work getting done but its a big support.