Constantly obsessing / living in the past

[Ari4465]

I'm married to an amazing man and have a 1 year old daughter..I've always been a naturally quite nostalgic person. I'm quite a sensitive, empathetic, dreamer type and tend to daydream about the past...however I feel like it's really started to take a hold of me.

I have a good job and am t-total now but in my late teens and early 20s I was pretty wild..did a lot of drugs at first recreationally and then I got addicted to cocaine but had quite a lucky escape. I did take it daily for about 6 months but I managed to sort myself out before it really took a hold of me. During this time I had my first love...a three year relationship with a man 10 years older than me. He was extremely outgoing, confident, successful, hilarious, fun, passionate. It was a very intense relationship built on passion and fun and drama. As you might imagine it didn't work out.

When we split up it hit me hard and I was at the time doing lots of drugs. I ended up going off the rails and became a lap dancer and then escort for a few months...not for money just some elaborate self destruction I think. I come from a good family so didn't need money I'm not sure why I did it even now. At the time I thought it was fun...now I'm horrified. I think drugs can numb your boundaries and emotions. I then saved up the money I'd earned and went travelling for a couple of years..sorted my head out and came back and started a more normal life.

Now I have a good job, nice house, nice husband, amazing daughter but I find myself so stuck in the past and I think about my ex daily. I love my husband but I suppose my ex and him are polar opposites. My husband has everything my ex didn't (stability, reliability, honesty, selflessness etc) but I guess more lacking in the passionate and fun department. However I know the drama that made my past relationship so fun isn't (and wasn't) healthy or sustainable. I think of my ex daily like a curse but I know I don't actually want him...it's more like I didn't get closure on that part of my life. It feels like intrusive thoughts as I will be doing something random and he'll pop into my head and it happens literally everyday!

I find that the more unhappy I feel the more I think of him and the more negative the thoughts are. I quit breastfeeding recently and also had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago. Since then I've felt very low and thought of him even more. I find myself longing for the past in a strange way although I love being a mother...

Just a rant really...I maybe need to go see someone as I feel like it's taking over.

I think we all do this at certain points in our life's. As we move into new phases, we shed an old skin. That part of your life, through rose tinted glasses, probably feels quite glamarous and fun and decadent to you now, but it's most likely that this older man who you were with in the midst of a drug addiction was actually a predatory abuser.

Motherhood and family life can feel settled and full of contentment, but also at times a bit stagnating and dull. You need an outlet for your passionate, wild side, and that it worth reflecting on. What might you be able to do to enjoy those feelings in a new way?

The wild unpredictability of youth is fun...but if you were still living that way now it wouldn't be so much.

OP, I think it’s normal at time to look back and feel like everything was better or simpler somehow (with or without elaborate self-destruction ). Your recent challenges would naturally add to this propensity to be nostalgic.

I think you should talk to a professional if you can. Maybe you need to make peace with some things and let some things go.

I hope you feel better soon. I’m sorry for your loss.

There’s an element of self sabotage-you feel you don’t deserve all these amazing things that have happened
I’ve now been with dh 20 years, 3 children and so happy /my first true love still pops up in my thoughts every do often but it’s a nostalgia for the carefree good times wrapped up in that relationship-clubbing/e’s/microdots/spliffs/lazy weekends from Thursday through to Monday
It’s not real life though- that involves having your shit together and being present in the moment

Could have written this myself I constantly think of my ex I was with for 7 years and realise he was the love of my life but we are both with different partners now and got children but I always regret not being with him

I also could have written this, so there must be something to it all, I think having closure is the answer and reliving through rose tinted glasses when you may have been free from responsibility is what you are probably doing.

I would hypothesise that your behaviour back then was a way of suppressing difficult, overwhelming feelings triggered by the relationship ending. You didn’t deal with them then, but they are bubbling up again now due to recent, difficult events.

Also, daydreaming can be a sign that trust in your environment is breaking down.

Would you take your story to a therapist?

Still think of my first love all the time.
All those hormones and adrenaline made it so thrilling at first. That's probably what I long for, rather than the actual man that he is today. I definitely wouldn't go near him in real life. But in my head we have all these little scenarios that play out.

I try to just accept it now but stay busy if it happens too much.
Motherhood, although wonderful, is very boring quite a lot of the time. It's just a little something I guess to think about that is fun.