I have two children with my husband and we've been married for over 10 years. We have two fantastic children and I can honestly say, the one good thing I've done is been a great mom. My husband's job has not made things easy over the years and I've spent a lot of months at a time alone with my children all over the world. My oldest child has autism and complex needs too.
When I was 10, my best friends dad was playing with us at another of her family members homes. I remember it distinctly, he ended up locking me in a bedroom and pinning me on the bed, I froze, I couldn't speak/shout and he tried to pull down my knickers. My friend was banging on the door outside the room and he stopped. She asked me what had happened and I said nothing. Unfortunately we lost touch due to me being scared to go to her house again and we had moved away, I never told anyone what had happened. When we were 18ish i phoned her house line out the blue to speak to her, she sounded so sad and I was really worried. After a few days of talking over text, she confessed that she had been sexually abused by her dad for four years, starting around when she was 10/11, she had some memory loss from trauma and had finally reported it to a teacher when she was 14ish. It went to trial and he was dismissed but had to sign the sex register for a number of years. She doesn't fully understand what had happened and I think her mom and sister kept alot of it away from her. I admitted to her what happened in the bedroom, she said she knew something was off but knew that I didn't want to tell her. I've always felt really guilty that I could have stopped what happened to her if I had told someone what he did to me. After a few years of us talking, I was married and had two children, when my daughter was born...I instantly felt like I needed to protect her constantly. She's never been allowed to go to a sleepover, only to friends houses who we know very well (I realise that this isn't always 100%). I ended up going to the police and reporting the incident, he was arrested & questioned and obviously claimed he doesn't remember me. CPS wanted access to all mine and her contact/Facebook messages/texts etc. They couldn't put the two cases together because hers had already been trialed and it was separate incidents etc, CPS didn't make it easy and I felt like it would be too stressful and they would claim it was suspicious after all this time so I dropped the case. The one good thing from all of it, was that the police saw how much my friend was struggling and they referred her to other agencies, they also talked her through her old case properly and explained what happened. She is doing well, she has her own little family and i hope she is really truly happy.
I have OCD, I was diagnosed at 15 but my parents starting noticing around 10. I'm not sure whether it was linked to her dad but this situation over the years hasn't helped, I have a fear of something happening to my children. I have to be in control of myself and the situation around me all the time. I can't do surprises, I can't do spur of the moment things. I have a fear of singing, me and my friend used to sing and dance and he always used to watch us, I always wonder if there was something more sinister with him watching us now. I have never sang in front of my husband and I finally told him yesterday that that's the reason why. My ocd tells me I can't sing because something bad will happen to my children. I realise that this is so, so odd but I just can't shake the feeling. I have tried meds and CBT over the years but it never helps in the long run.
I am wondering if therapy can help to get over this fear.
Thank you for reading x