I'm bad, a wreck...abused

[ididntmeanit]

Please can somebody help me, everything has come to light this week, after many years settled an married I became trauma bonded to a man who claimed to want to help me but abuses/abused me. Yells me I'm a fuck up, insane, nasty person, wants to help me but does absolutely NOTHING.
Since I met him I have become shamefully addicted to many things, lost my job, friends and I'm spiralling down but can't stop having him back. I remember my life before and I was in control, now I'm just a wreck, suicidal and addicted to him aswell. No drugs. Just behaviours, compulsions and a bottle of wine a night. I'm 44. I used to be a professional woman. I'm alone. A mess. My children are grown up. Can someone be my friend ❤️

Hi @ididntmeanit you sound desperate. Have you got any real life support?
Maybe now is the time to start turning things around. You've had successes before, you can have them again.
Can you get your partner out of the house or at least start planning your escape?

You need support. Look at the Women's Aid website for direction. AA can help with the problem drinking. Surround yourself with positive, people, places and things. You can do this, one day at a time.

Thank you. I'm quite good at strategising but feel really alone and vulnerable especially now I've lost my job. I don't have any family and of course I have friends but I'm in tier 4, I just feel like I could shut myself away and fester forever. My addictions are out of control.

Well be kind to yourself about the addictions, you know they signify a problem elsewhere. Use your strategising skills to plan your escape and lovely new life. This is a shitty time of year for lots of us, you're not alone in that.
Can you meet a friend for a walk?