Grief a year on

[AJB120]

I’m sorry this is very long and could be upsetting for others.

So last September I lost my brother in a very sudden, unexpected and traumatic way. 8 weeks later I lost my nanna very suddenly. I was half way through my pregnancy at the time.

A little bit of back ground for each

• my brother had cystic fibrosis and was 37. He had been coughing up blood 2 days prior to him passing. He seeked advice from various medical professionals that evening - he was told he didn’t need any medical assistance and wasn’t an emergency for an ambulance. He was told to stay home and rest. 2 days later he passed away in a traumatic and stressful way- caused by haemorrhage of the lungs.

My nanna became increasingly weak and poorly over a few weeks after my brother passing away. She was finally admitted to hospital and diagnosed with lung and liver cancer. She was given weeks. My mam, auntie and myself cared for her at home. She passed away 2 weeks later very peacefully surrounded by her loved ones.

I’m totally at peace with my nannas death. We had a feeling there was something underlying for sometime (she had various health issues) but she refused to go to the doctors - o think she also knew there was something else but didn’t want to know. She had said for many years if she ever got diagnosed with cancer she would decline any treatment to prolong her life. She accepted what the doctors told her and she was at peace with it. She was ready.

My brothers death never seemed to be real... because so soon after we were looking after my nanna and knew it wouldn’t be long for her we didn’t really get time to process and understand what happened to my brother. All of a sudden I can’t get him and the whole situation out of my head. I need answers. I want to cry all the time. My mind is constantly on him. I have so many questions.

My family are all so close and when I see them I can see how it’s affected each person so differently...it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

I have no idea why I’ve put this on here tonight, I know nobody can help or give me the answers we all so desperately need answering. I don’t want to speak to my family at the minute about how I’m feeling due to tier 3 restrictions and Christmas almost here. I don’t want to cause them any more upset or worry. I know my mam worries about us all so much as it is and I can’t increase that worry.

Grief doesn't come with a timeframe. Or an instruction manual. Sometimes it wanes, other times you feel like it's a big black cloud over your shoulder and the burden is just too much.

It's very normal to feel it especially at this time of year. My baby son was stillborn 26 years ago, but I still find Christmas hard as it's the one time when I really really long for him to be here and feel very angry/cheated that he isn't. I'm so sorry that you've lost two such special people. And don't be afraid to talk about it to family..... they may be feeling just as you are.

I was just reading and browsing through posts and came across yours. I felt I needed to sign up so that I could reply to you.

First off, I have no idea what it must have been like for you going through all that heart ache especially while being pregnant.. but I just wanted you to know that someone had read it & that someone was thinking/praying for you.

I can imagine Christmas will be difficult but I think there is power in sharing your feelings and grieving together with people who feel the same. I know you say you don’t want to burden anyone but imagine if they were feeling the same? You being brave and honest could not only help you in healing but your family too.

If not your family, please talk to someone. Please don’t bottle up anything as this can make things so much worse. I really hope you find healing/peace and have a good Christmas.

God bless. Xxxxxx

You've been through an incredibly tough time. Grief doesn't go in a straight line from what I've seen. My dh lost his parents within six months of each other, 6 years ago, one after a long illness, one more unexpectedly. he still has moments of profound grief. It has got better with time, but still clobbers him sometimes.

Who do you have to support you? Who can you lean on? You seem to be resisting sharing your grief with other family members because they will be finding it hard. But they will understand how you feel, and might be feeling the same way. It might help to talk to them.

In the meantime do you want to tell us a bit about your brother? Just talking about him might help. You're allowed to grieve and miss him. If you don't feel you can share that with your family you can at least share it here.

Hi.
Just wanted to say I've lost my brother too. Different illness but similar otherwise.

I feel just like you. Atm I don't know how I can bear it tbh. I feel overwhelmed by missing him.

Sending a hug and hoping you get through it x

Sorry for your losses OP. Have you tried reaching out to the CF Trust to explore potential support options with them? They may be able to support you with the processing stuff x I'm familiar with CF and lost my best friend to it. It's such a shitty and cruel disease. You will get there x Sending love x