Anxiety/Depression is back. I do not want it to spoil Christmas. Please help me put this into perspective.

[AgathaQuiztee]

Apologies in advance if this is long.

I suffer from anxiety/depression which I suspect is hereditary. I take ADs and have had therapy. I had been doing really well. I still get anxious thoughts but can usually use strategies to control them.

I have a colleague who I consider a friend. She has been off with me for a few weeks and on Friday I finally asked her if she was annoyed with me. I wasn't sure if it was in my head. She said "yes a bit but it doesn't matter".

I asked her why and she said she had the feeling that I was putting myself in a supervisory position and checking up on her. This came as a massive shock as I have not been doing that and had no idea she felt that way.

I got upset and emotional she reassured me that it was ok and she didn't want me to feel bad. I asked her for examples but she couldn't give me any and said it was just a feeling.

For context there will be a job coming up which is a step up for us both and which I have been keen to go for. I don't know if she's interested in it or not. It's not being advertised until after Christmas and I'll need to wait for the full info to see if I really want it. I have been trying to show myself as a good fit for the role but I have not intentionally put myself above my colleague I admire and respect her.

More context, her mum passed away just after Christmas last year after a long battle with cancer. She then became very ill herself and then shielded during the last lockdown. She has only been back at work since September.

Unfortunately I won't see her again for a couple of weeks as we're both on holiday. Anxiety about the whole situation has hit me hard. I'm totally catastrophising the situation and I'm sure blowing it well out of proportion. But I feel really low and a sense of dread that everything's going to be awful when I go back to work.

I don't know what I want from writing on here, but I've had good support in the past and writing it down helps to get it out of my head.

I was handling it better yesterday but today I've really struggled.

I hate that my family have to go through me feeling like this. They've already been through a lot with my mental health.

I feel like everything is ruined. I live my job but now I fear for what it'll be like when I go back.

Sometimes I can be rational about it but not today.

Agatha great user name by the way. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you struggle with anxiety and depression. Your colleague may well be misinterpreting things - obviously you didn't mean to upset her and she may well just be a little sensitive given her bereavement and illness. You must be gentle with yourself. Perhaps check-in online with your doctor but also take exercise daily to help get things into perspective - it's time out and helps to relax your body and stop rumination. I also like the Being well podcasts by Dr Rick Hanson - you can find them on Spotify. You sound like a lovely person who's going through a rough time at a rough time (the ongoing pandemic thing). Perhaps underneath it all you'd love to go for the job but you feel unsure of yourself? Hence the rumination. Take one day at a time and talk to someone in real life. Rooting for you here...

Also you have more time to ruminate now that the holidays have started. My husband teaches and he hits a low when term ends because adrenaline keeps him going. He usually falls over physically and mentally! Try to realise that you are catastrophising and use the skills you gained in counselling to right the ship a bit. But do also have a chat with your GP.

Thank you @Tinselette for your kind words. You're right about the holidays being a time to collapse and that's when my anxiety is most likely to hit. I've got a therapy phone call booked for near the end of January which I may try to move forward when my therapist is off her holidays.

I was doing better last night. I actually felt normal again. But this morning I feel like I'm right back in it again. I know this is typical of the depression cycle but it's so hard. I just want to stop the feelings and thoughts. Or at least know what's real and what's part of the catastrophising.

Yes, that's depression alright especially lows first thing in the morning. Perhaps press for an earlier online session with counsellor and would gp adjust meds temporarily? Remember it's been a very hard year and we are at the darkest time in terms of daylight. Overall you are doing quite well you just need help with this slight blip.

Thank you for coming back. I know this will pass because it has before. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to go through this again. I feel for my children (all teenagers). They don't know anything's wrong at the moment because I can hide it when I'm with them but I know I'm not giving them what they need as I just want to hide from the world.
I can't shake the feeling that the job I love is now ruined and it's my fault.

It's not ruined Agatha things blow over. All will be well.