I’m so lonely...I don’t know if I can cope

[Cash02]

Hello, I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here, maybe some advice or just someone to listen...I’ve never really had friends at all, I grew up with alcoholic parents and spent most of my childhood inside my room with the blinds shut, my family often ‘joke’ that me and my sister were one of those weird experiments they did on children in the 80s.
I developed agoraphobia quite young, about 13, although I never really spoke to people throughout primary and secondary school the few connections I did have dropped when I left in year 8, I spent about a year not going outside.
Fast forward to meeting my first boyfriend at 14, spent a few years with him, met some people, but he subsequently ghosted me on my 16th birthday and so did any friends I had made...he had another girl apparently. A while after I met my current partner, a boy I had known in year 7, I ran into him while on my way to co-op, only person who ever bothered to talk to me, we got together very quickly and now at 18 we have a 6 month old, I’ve never been happier, but I still have this nagging loneliness, I’m lucky in that having a baby hasn’t meant I’ve had to sacrifice anything...I never had anything to lose, I’ve only gained positives, I was lonely before, of course I see him as my best friend and the love of my life, but it’s not the same as platonic friendship, he has friends and he goes out and sees them and I get a bit jealous, he’s forever telling me ‘you can go out if you want’ ‘why don’t you go somewhere today’...he’s so sweet, but with who? I don’t have anybody. I fear I’ll be like this forever. I’ve spent so long with my own thoughts, so many years, I don’t think I even know how to socialise.

If you’ve read this far thank you! I just needed to get it out.

It's definitely the year for loneliness. I think we all feel it though I appreciate your longer story. Congratulations on your baby! It sounds life is going well. I think a lot more people feel like you than you know. Am I right that what you're saying really is that you'd quite like to make some friends locally? And you're thinking about trying to do that?

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I wondered reading your post if you've ever considered therapy? I've done it in the past and found it very helpful. Maybe look into social anxiety as well, I'm not sure if that fits you but I thought of it reading your post and there are very good cognitive behavioural therapies that really work.

You're so young, I know it's a cliche but you really do have your whole life ahead of you. Take it easy on yourself, there's plenty of time to grow to understand yourself better and learn new skills and make new friends. Finding a good partner is a brilliant start! You're doing alot better than I was at your age! Especially after all you've gone through and survived. Maybe set some small goals for yourself might be a start - like reading up on issues that might affect you, or asking your gp for help.

Final thought- sharing common interests is a good way to meet new people. Maybe have a think about possible new hobbies and groups you could join/courses you might do, or a mother and baby group you might join (once that's an option of course - Covid is making a lot of stuff like that trickier for now).

Thank you for reading!
I would like to, I’ve been to some mum groups but I’ve been the only teen mum there and my anxiety makes it hard for me to engage, I feel like a bit of a lost cause.
I resigned myself to being alone a long time ago, I just don’t want my daughter to grow up the same way I did, so I try and get her out and see people as much as possible.

Oh love, sounds like you had an awful time growing up, I’m so sorry.

This year is different of course, but in ordinary times having a baby can be a good way to meet people, by going to playgroups or baby activities at the library etc. If it helps, you seem very articulate and together in your post, so I’m sure you would be fine in a social situation. I can understand you feeling nervous though. If you take it one step at a time, maybe go to the playground or park with your LO and exchange a few words with someone there, hopefully it will get less daunting? You don’t need to develop instant best friends, just slowly find a few places you feel happy to go and hopefully a few friendly faces you can say hi to, so you don’t feel so alone.

PS there are also a couple of apps aimed at helping new mums meet - Mushh (I think??) and Peanut, see if they operate in your area?

Sorry for the double post, I was in CAHMS for many years, I was taught some helpful techniques but I feel like it wasn’t enough, my counsellor touched on PTSD before I left the service.
I really appreciate the kind words.
I’m a painter but I couldn’t really find any groups in my area.
I’ve mad a phone appointment with my GP in hopes for some therapy but I have a feeling they’ll try and pin me with PND.

You're not a lost cause! My goodness you sound very interesting and strong too. You'd be a brilliant friend to have! Keep trying different things..even a walk to the park with the pram or sitting in a coffee shop for an afternoon. Give yourself a small goal like, I'm going to say hello to three people, or ask a question (how old is your daughter is a good one...and before you know it you have a small conversation).
Any positive change always comes about after a moment of realising that things aren't quite right...you're on the verge of that change and you're doing all the right things. It's so lovely too how your daughter is motivating and inspiring you to try. I can imagine being the only teen mum in a group like that can feel very strange....I'd suggest you try things but if they make you feel bad, don't feel you need to keep doing them.

Some good advice here. I'm glad you've made an appointment with your gp. Don't be afraid to tell them you're specifically interested in addressing the anxiety of you feel that's what'd be most helpful.

I had the opposite problem to you in my mother and baby groups, I felt too old

You're way too young to resign yourself to anything if you don't want to. Honestly, I do remember being 18 and feeling similar but as someone said you're very articulate and come across as a nice, decent person, I really am sure things can change so much for you in that regard with the right support.

Thank you, that has really cheered me up

I saw a woman in H&M yesterday and I wanted to ask how old her daughter was but I wasn’t sure if that’s a normal thing for people to do, but I definitely will next time!

You have all really helped me tonight thank you, it’s really encouraging. I feel like it’s easy to give up on yourself, I did, but having my little girl has just made me want to strive for something better, even just for her sake.

Thank you again

Keep smiling I think the how old question is always ok.

@thatscurvydogbeard one thing I’ve realised during my short time as a mother, is that you’re always going to be too ‘something’ for someone. Too old, too young, whatever it may be, you can be darn sure someone will have something to say.

[quote Cash02]@thatscurvydogbeard one thing I’ve realised during my short time as a mother, is that you’re always going to be too ‘something’ for someone. Too old, too young, whatever it may be, you can be darn sure someone will have something to say.[/quote]
Definitely!