Feel a fraud

[AMillionLittleThings]

I've name changed.

I have the perfect life & I really do. Lovely family, great home & 6-figure salary job & yet at times I feel so down & hopeless & can't see a way out.

Everyone always talks about how positive I am & how I deal with everything so well & I do, yet I still feel so down.

I'm ok really & would never do anything to hurt myself as I couldn't hurt the kids like that but I feel so dark & fantasise about no longer being alive.

Is this normal & I'm being swept along on the mental health wave or is this an actual issue? I drink too much, but likely would drink anyway but I have no idea. Maybe I'm just a lost cause.

Hello,
What makes you feel this way?
It is possible to have 'it all'and still feel inauthentic.
The dissonance you feel is because you are told you should feel sucess because of what you have.
What are your values- what would be the perfect life?
Drinking has to stop. I dont drink anymore because of the effects on my mood. Its well worth trying to cut down.

You’re not alone in thinking like this. Not at all.
It does sound like you have an issue with your mental health and it would be a good idea to talk to your gp.

Sorry, I meant to put

Thanks for replying. I don't know what makes me feel this way per as, but I made a massive fuck up in a previous job 5 years ago (& got the sack for it) & still feel bad about that despite having some very good jobs since. I've also not spoken to my dad in 15 years - he cheated on my mum & turned into someone unrecognisable but before that was one of the best dads ever.

Plus I just sort of feel unworthy. My DH is really very good but almost too perfect - I just wish he'd fuck up every now & again so that I didn't always feel so inferior. I think he's still mad at he did getting the sack, but he'd never actually say that to me. but I 'feel' it (although he says I'm crazy for that as he's not mad & to be honest, I think it's my guilt rather than anything he's done but I can't shake it).

I've no idea. No idea why I'm even posting, sorry.

Per se, not per as!

Mad at me for - blooming annoying autocorrect

Several thoughts. These feelings are common, yes, but not "normal" insofar as you should not just put up with feeling really unhappy.

Impostor syndrome - very common in women especially, along with a feeling you are earning "too much". The more you get paid, instead of validating your effort and skill, makes you feel worse. This seems to be your main problem. Good news, there is a lot you can do about it, do some research and maybe some CBT exercises to help yourself.

Burn out - working long hours in a stressful job and having to squeeze the rest of your life into the gaps, can take its toll. If you are suffering burn out, you need to make changes and take steps to reverse it as it won't simply stop on it's own.

Cortisol - also related to burn out. Do you have stressing your job? Long term exposure to stress is dreadful for your health, research the impact of raised cortisol on your body and prepare to be horrified.

Perfectionism - are you a perfectionist? The shock and public humiliation of making a serious work error and losing your job, would have made the whole episode bite even deeper if you pride yourself on doing an amazing job. The fear that if you f* up, everything you have worked for could be taken away from you is terrifying. If you earn 6 figures, I would seriously suggest investing some of it in a good counsellor- someone who specialises in counselling relating to work - and talk through the issues.

made a massive fuck up in a previous job 5 years ago

I'd suggest writing down the lessons from the episode and forgive yourself. (Unless your were the PM who called an advisory referendum - then no!) Guilt is a strong and often unhelpful feeling.

Sorry for delay in replying - was a busy day yesterday so didn't get home until late last night.

@SillyOldMummy your post describes me perfectly (other than cortisol which I'll need to Google as don't know what that is). I've heard of imposter syndrome previously and do think I have it and have had plenty of feedback over the years about being a perfectionist (although I don't actually see that myself - I'm just trying to do the best I can).

You're right, I totally don't think I deserve my salary yet I'm the one who negotiated it and work bloody hard for it. I try to 'be kind' to myself and talk to myself as I would talk to a friend as rationally I do know I'm actually very good at what I do and when I've shared my CV with friends to review (especially after I was sacked a few years ago), they're pretty amazed at my experience and all I've achieved (as it's not something you'd normally talk about with friends). So in my heart of hearts I do know I'm competent and capable but I do still feel unworthy a lot of the time. Like I say, I try to shake that by giving myself a good, rational talking to to get it to go away.

My work is stressful - not so much the job itself as I can control my team and what we do but the politics of where I am now are are horrendous with other directors actively going out of their way to make my team fail so that they look better than me (there was a lot of jealousy and noses out of joint when I was appointed to my current role so I do constantly have to watch my back and counteract their actions on a daily basis!). Plus coronavirus has had a devastating impact on the industry I'm in, so sadly I've been making redundancies and using furlough as much as possible to keep costs down.

I've thought about counselling in the past but not sure it's for me. Where do you find a decent counsellor? How do you find one?

@niceday, thankfully no, I'm not the PM who called a referendum and you're probably right about forgiving myself in some way. I might try making that list. To be honest, I learnt the lesson straight away and it was definitely my mess and I am truly sorry, & I'll never do it again. That said, I still feel aggrieved about it too as I also believe if I were a man then I wouldn't have gotten the sack (I swore at an employee and told him he was useless in front of other people). Totally wrong of me but there have been plenty of male managers who I have worked with over the years who have done very similar and yet and nothing has even been said to them.

That was a very stressful job and in hindsight I think the sacking was a good thing for me as I'd never have left that organisation but was struggling to cope with it all and I broke. I do just wish I hadn't gotten sacked and id left of my own accord as I'm still devastated inside about it and still very ashamed.

Thanks for the replies though, just typing it out helps a lot as I really wouldn't talk to anyone in real life about it.

Shame and unfairness - that's a weird combination. No wonder you haven't shaken it off yet!
By lessons I mean not just the obvious (say, don't insult employees, especially in front of others), but all of the factors at play in the situation. Say, where would you draw a line of avoiding toxic people? How would you deal with being dragged into men-created stressful situation (not just business stress, it's different). How would you let the steam off to avoid burn out, ill health or strained family relations that can be caused by stress at work? Answers to these questions could help you feel more in control and move on.

Thanks @niceday - I am ashamed as it was so out of character for me and not something I would condone from anyone. I would never tell off an employee in front of others (especially in the way I did it and the language I used) so what I did was wrong absolutely, but I would never have expected to get sacked for it as until then I had a completely unblemished career, always delivering stretch targets and as mentioned, I'd seen male managers do worse. No excuses as I was totally in the wrong, just upset at how it all turned out and despite having moved onto bigger (and arguably better) things I still feel afraid and undeserving and such a fraud.

As I said in my Op, my life is pretty perfect and yet I feel so down a lot of the time and then feel guilty for feeling that way as there are people who have real problems to worry about.

I think your idea of writing it down is good and I will try that thanks.

I am pretty shocked you got sacked for shouting and swearing! And if you aren't a shouty, sweary manager then I think the company should have considered what stress had pushed you over the edge. It sounds like an utterly horrible experience, I would feel exactly the same in your shoes and I wouldn't be able to simply forget it.

It is good to have perspective - that other people have problems bigger than you - but you are using that awareness to beat yourself up, over and over, for not being perfectly happy. That's not healthy, is it?

Finding a counselor is a really personal thing and you might need to try a few. I have a friend who became a life coach and I just know that she has a way of helping people that you simply can't get from a friend who isn't trained and dedicated simply to helping you.

Go online and see what you can find. You owe it to yourself.

Hi
This is my first or second post, not sure if I had the nerve before.
I just wanted to say I completely understand your feelings. My life on paper is perfect, yet since having my second child I have absolutely no sense of self worth. I feel I fuck everything up, I'm totally alone even with family and a loving husband around me. I feel completely helpless about how I feel.
My husband has threatened that if I don't change he'll have to end it.
I'm sorry I can offer no words of advice as I would have used them myself, but I hope you know you are very much not alone.