Very few people who can be there for me and feeling bad.

[Vates]

I am 35, have never been in love or had a relationship (that is just something I would like to experience but really getting on in age now!). My shyness is literally painful and has been since 19. Diagnosed with Social Phobia and BPD (borderline personality disorder) by a psychiatrist when still a teenager and living at home.

I have tried Olanzapine, citalopram and a few other medications in the past and then rejected all medication or trying them for a number of years. I have been on 60mg of Duloxetine daily and 4mg Risperidone at night for the last few years and that seems to be a magic spot for keeping me stable. I say stable but not happy. I still can't talk to strangers unless they literally corner me. And then it is all talking at them rather than engaging. My last encounter with a male was with a guy at 7am in the morning who had his hand down his trousers and saying gross sexual things. But he obviously didn't have support in place for being a general nuisance, I mean support worker.

My medication keeps me quiet as in not having any outbursts and less of any of the 'freaky shit' as I call it, hallucinations, etc.

At this age it feels like I have tried every route and sadly they become more hard to access with longer waiting times each occasion. Mindfulness was/is the most useful I have found but it is mostly my Sister's dogs who remind me to be alive.

My Sister supports me with the practical things such as getting food shopping every week, making phonecalls and wording on writing letters but she refuses to talk about my mental health in general. For example if she picked me up on a typical Tuesday and I said 'I am feeling really low today' she would just say 'let's not talk about it, Vates'. And I don't want to push it as she works full time and has a young family.

I have a very dear friend but she also has mental health problems and physical conditions too so obviously when I try I lean on her a bit she cannot handle it. It is mostly me picking her up emotionally and trying to offer support.

I literally have nobody else to talk to right now. I tried emailing the Samaritans but they just kept repeating the line 'we're here to listen to you for as long you need it'. I want someone to respond even if it is to say 'hey, Vates, you're being a knob'. lol.

Even though I don't think I'm much of a knob anyway. I barely talk.

Hi! I’m not sure I can be of much help but didn’t want to read and run!
It’s a shame your sister doesn’t want to engage with you about your mental health, sometimes just a chance to speak openly to someone you trust can work wonders.
I hope someone comes along with some ideas/advice soon!
Take care 💐

Aw, thank you for replying. I do appreciate it and know it is an awkward/tough subject to try to tackle. I knew was tempting fate when I posted as my dear friend called in the mean time and is very physically unwell, unsure whether just food poisoning or blocked bowel again (she has had many hospital visits). I have managed to get a hold of her son and so he is going to her now.

My Sister is a solicitor that specialises in family law so has come across a lot of people with problems that I also suffer from so I think that is why she doesn't want the aggro in her personal life too. I can understand it. She wants her personal life to be stress free.

I just don't think people get that if their were a pain free way, like a tablet that would end my life right now. I wouldn't even hesitate to take it. But I am not going to jump from a car park or try to hang myself as I am so worried they wouldn't work and scared of pain. I am a happy little agreeable chappy at all times. But wishing somebody would just stab me to kill instead of someone random instead or knowing where I could get strong drugs to have a peaceful death.

Your post made me feel really sad for you, Vates. You don't show the classic signs of being "a knob", and I have met quite a lot in my lifetime.

Is it possible your sister thinks that you talking about your problems drags you down, and doesn't want to encourage you to overthink things? Perhaps she is worried about triggering you with a difficult conversation. It sounds generally like she is trying to support you a lot and loves you a lot.

Your other friend sounds like hard work, and you sound like a good friend to her.

I don't really know a lot about BPD, but it seems like you had that diagnosis a long time ago. Are you getting good NHS help to manage it, and have you tried all the different talking therapies? I am a HUGE believer in talking therapies. I don't believe there is a person on the planet whose mental health stays the same from the age of 19 to 35, and you might benefit from taking another look at treatments available, even ones that didn't seem to help in the past.

2020 has been a lonely year and I think many of us have found ourselves wanting more friends. That is extremely hard to achieve a) because of lockdown and b) because of your BPD and social phobia. I personally think you should aim to establish some new friendships and don't expect to find romantic love yet. 35 isn't that old, definitely plenty of time to find a special someone, but you might benefit from branching out into something less likely to cause heartbreak first of all. Friendships can be extremely satisfying, and relationships with the opposite sex, whilst exciting at first , often hit a rocky patch after a while which you might find difficult to navigate. Having friends to fall back on would be helpful.

What kinds of things do you do in the daytime (appreciate it is hard during lockdown)? I've had some nice lighthearted friendships playing games online, you can sometimes find a really nice chat group that plays regularly. Not necessarily people you can unload your troubles on, but often just nice to have some no-pressure contact with other people and a good place to practice just enjoying a chat with someone - if you don't enjoy it, easy to walk away. Well it's just an idea!

Thank you for your detailed reply, yeah I am not a full on knob head but am aware I can become tiresome when I have had too much to drink. I had a few relapses in lockdown and got emotional with people. I had three years clear before that with no alcohol. My Sister said she knew but didn't say anything which surprised me as I tried so hard to appear normal and not give her stress.

No, she pretty much won't tackle anything pertaining to my mental health or our Mum (she passed away 8 years ago). The Mum subject, I get as it's complicated. She just dismisses anything I say regarding mental health. Like with the guy who approached me and was inappropriate when she was picking me up, she knows I was sexually assaulted before but she just said 'at least he left you alone when you told him to'. I saw him a week later in the local supermarket and he brushed past me which make me psychically shudder and I rarely go out alone anyway. I know enough to know he's probably very ill himself but just end up feeling like an idiot for feeling the way I do.

My friend is in her 60's and, yes, hard work but I love her and she loves me. So don't want to give it up.

The last time I saw the mental health team (their offices are at the end of my road) was 8 years ago when I told them I was smashing glasses to self-harm and they said it was grief over losing my Mum and couldn't/wouldn't offer anything and to come back if it was still happening in 3 months times. I have had counselling and cbt before but provided for by different services i.e. not the nhs.

I have recently got back into gaming as in video games. It sounds daft but I have two consoles that I have bought over the last two years and I am active on twitch communities, following my favourite gamers. It does work as a distraction.

I guess it just always feels like, 'is this it?' as in do people expect me to live out another 30 or so years into old age like this (if I am lucky enough to reach old age I mean) because I cannot do that. It's too much hard work for no reward!