Getting over being unimportant to everyone

[TippledPink]

Just that really, how do you get over not being important to anyone? I am feeling so lonely at the moment. OH is always out- either at work or plays golf every weekend (which is fine). He is always on the phone to someone or other- he just came home from golf, didn't give me a kiss or a cuddle but went upstairs on the phone to someone talking about golf again. I am WFH currently and in tier 3 so don't get the opportunity to leave the house much. No one contacts me to say hello, I never talk to anyone on the phone. I am fed being the first to text. My family aren't close and I have a few friends but none that would text first. OH is on the phone to at least 4 people a day, I have no one! I have kids but they aren't bothered about me, just spend all day in their rooms before I drive them to their Dads. I see so many people around me with good relationships with others and I just feel I have no one. I feel so alone. I just think what is the point? I know I wouldn't do anything stupid, but just wish I didn't feel so damn lonely.

The grass is always greener when we compare ourselves to others. I hope someone will pop along with maybe some suggestions on how to communicate better with your OH, does he know you're feeling this way at least? Does he support you with your children?

I am probably not the best person to reply as I never been in a relationship or have children. Have you spoken to your gp about your feelings? They may be able to offer some things to help you cope with this. Or even a good friend that you could open up to?

I go out once a week and that was before the pandemic, lol. My Sister's dogs keep me alive and my love for them. Have you ever looked up mindfullness? I am a lot kinder to myself these because my penfriend introduced me to it. I hope someone can come along with better suggestions. Hope you're ok.

Thanks for your reply. He knows I can feel lonely and when he rejoined golf the idea was that we would both partake more in the social aspect, but then lockdown happened and there are no social occasions, just the actual golf. I do make comments about him always being on the phone but wouldn't push it with him as he would just get angry, he doesn't really like it when I am feeling down, so will become angry instead of supportive. He doesn't help with the kids but they aren't his, and the kids are pretty self sufficient in most ways, he has kids and they are grown up, he doesn't get involved with mine at all (we never go out all together or anything, I go on holiday just with them or just with him).

I don't feel depressed so haven't spoken to the GP, I would just like someone to think of me sometimes and feel like I have real friends. No unfortunately I don't have a good friend I could talk to about it. I would like a good friend!

Before lockdown I didn't really go out either, I have been lonely for quite a while but O guess it is highlighted as I am always home now, don't even get to go out to work.

OH has just told me he is going golf again tomorrow, normally Sunday is 'our day' as kids go to their Dads. Looks like I will be on my own again. I just keep crying all day, I feel so alone.

Was hoping for a bit of support but guess I really am not important to anyone at all. They say reach out when you feel low but no one is there even when you try to reach out. No one would even notice or care if I want here anymore.

Hi tippled
I really have no great advice as I to feel a little like you, it's good you have reached out for support and just saying it can lighten the load a bit. Mayby have a chat with your partner he may not realise how your feeling.

I'm sorry you feel like this.

Could you talk to your partner about how you are feeling or do you fear that will push him away and you lose that connection too?
Why doesnt he get involved with your kids? How old are the kids? How long has your partner been on the scene?
Are you involved with his kids?

Can you organise activities with the children to keep you and them both busy? It will also help with bonding. Or family activities - board games etc?

Or activities for yourself - get lost in a good book etc? Whatever you enjoy.

I am not really sure how adults make close friends, I think its really hard!

Become important to yourself.

You've got time to yourself- what do you want to do for you?

I appreciate tier 3 makes it difficult as it limits options but there are options like going for a walk/run/cycle, relaxing and reading a good book or listening to music, baking something new you want to try etc. Whatever actually takes your fancy and doesn't actually need to be done, so purely for enjoyment.

Prioritising yourself for once is a small step in the right direction.

Hi OP. Really sorry to hear you feel this way.it sounds so hard.
I'm a bit bemused by your partner being on the phone all day. To friends? That seems a little unusual and I'm not surprised you feel left out.
I agree that trying to get your partner to understand is a good first step but sometimes people can't give us the support we need.
Making friends is hard as an adult but even harder now so it might be a case of hanging on and doing some research into what you would like to do when you're able. Eg an evening class, choir, sports team etc. Sometimes we don't have close friends just because of circumstances. Like the town where I live it feel really hard to make friends but I've persistes and tried not to take it personally.
Are there any people around you who you could become closer to? Old friends, work colleagues or other mums? It takes a lot of work to maintain and build on friendships. Could you arrange a call with some of the people you'd text or with a work colleague?
I did a mindful self compassion course and found that good. Compassion can't always come from others, but we can always supply it to ourselves.

I like the advice from pp to become important to yourself. Find things to pass the time that you enjoy and that you don't need other people for. Running, reading, writing, painting, sewing, get a pet, whatever. Is there an online book club you could join? Or something you could learn to do via YouTube tutorials? It won't cure your loneliness but being busy means you won't dwell on it as much.

@WednesdayAllTheWay He is definitely speaking to golf friends or his adult children, I know it is weird to be on the phone so often, it has started since he joined back at golf. There is a massive social aspect to golf, they have several WhatsApp groups and talk crap all the time. I don't get it myself but I do hear them and see their names come up on the phone, he mostly speaks to them in front of me.

@Siw2020 @Lesley23 I couldn't speak to him about it as he doesn't like it when I feel down, he had to deal with mental health issues with his ex wife and said he doesn't want to go through that again.

We have been together 5 years, get married next year. He said he is done with kids, he is older than me and his kids are all adults. He doesn't really like children and was really strict with his own, I am a lot more laid back. It does get me down sometimes that we can't do things like sit and watch a film all together, or go on a day out but that's how it is and I have got used to it now.

@MumUndone @Lesley23 There is definitely an issue with having nothing to do, makes you realise how alone you are. The kids always moan there is nothing to do, but then don't want to do anything with me as they say it's boring (games, walks, baking). So they just stay in their rooms all day instead.

Whoah, OP, there is far more to this than just feeling lonely.
Why on earth are you planning to marry this man next year? He is not even a companion, let alone partner material.
What do you actually get out of this relationship? Which, if any, of your emotional needs is he meeting?
He dismisses your sadness, won’t engage with either his or your children, can’t be arsed to greet you with a kiss, let alone converse with you when he gets home, and prioritises his golf buddies and his phone over you.
Please don’t marry him! Leave him. Get a life. Explore hobbies, meet people, make friends, and set your bar way higher if you try dating again.
Being virtually ignored by the man who is supposed to love you would destroy any woman’s happiness and self esteem. Dump him.

@Babdoc I know he sounds bad, but mostly we are fine, normally he does greet me and we are affectionate, but the past few days he has just been a bit of a dick. He isn't horrible to my kids in any way, just wouldn't choose to spend time with them.

And I guess his dickishness is enhanced as I have no one else to go spend time with or speak to, as I only have him to rely on really particularly during this lockdown and tier 3
Whereas he can just go to golf and see all his friends, I just sit at home with the TV and no one to talk to.

I wasn't in any way insinuating that he wasn't speaking to his friends OP. I just meant that is unusual (especially for a guy tbh! ). Nothing wrong with it at all but I think I would feel insecure and somewhat unpopular living with that.

@WednesdayAllTheWay Yes it is really odd isn't it. He does seem to have very chatty friends, considering he always says he hates socialising and doesn't like people, his actions say otherwise.

Woah, lets back up a bit here. He doesn't really like it when you're feeling down and gets angry at you for it???

No wonder you're feeling lonely if you are with someone who seems to treat your feelings as an inconvenience, much less working to be more present with you and to address the problem.

It is valid that you feel lonely. It is valid that you feel down. I'm really sorry that you are feeling this way. But I think maybe you need to reevaluate the reasons for this and make yourself the priority, thinking about whether you want to continue with a relationship that isnt meeting your very reasonable needs for companionship and consideration.

I don't think you should be marrying someone who doesn't choose to spend time with your children.

No wonder they're in their rooms. They probably don't feel welcome and the lack of a family dynamic is damaging.

If you're going to have a partner when you've got kids, it should be someone who takes the children on as individuals to bond with, not people to tolerate and live alongside.

I agree with everything Babdoc has said, your relationship really doesn't sound good and you shouldn't be marrying this man. It's not surprising you feel down and lonely, he is isolating you. Your children don't sound happy and at ease in their own home either.
I'll bet you will feel much happier if you leave him!

OP, I hope you are well and had a nice Christmas x