Feeling detached from child again :(

[Anewmum2018]

Ahhhh think I'm having a depression relapse... Had horrible Pnd two years ago and took ages to bond with my son. Over the past couple of months I've started feeling low, numb and detached from him, and like I'm going through the motions again. I'm terrified that I'm falling back into the pit and I'm going to ruin our bond. I almost couldn't look him in the eye today I felt so guilty and low 😥
Not sure what I'm asking really just need some comforting words from anyone who understands this horrible illness x

I remember the first time I recognised that I’d felt that detachment - I hadn’t noticed it while it was happening, only afterwards when the depression lifted, and it was horrifying to realise I could actually lose my ability to love.

I think it’s a very positive thing that you’re picking up on it.

Where are you at in terms of support/help/meds at the moment?

Thank you for your kind words. I spent a year under the perinatal MH service, and I've stayed on sertraline since then, but currently no therapy. Also v aware of how much services will be stretched at the moment.
Just really scared of going back to that dark place, it was such a horror show and I'm desperate not to let things slip

It might be that your meds need a little adjusting.

When my dd was little a very wise midwife told me not to worry too much about feeling love, but to concentrate on doing love.

How are you feeling today?

Aw thank you for checking up, that's really kind. Had a rough couple of days and a real 'i can't do this' feeling but have booked a gp appointment so at least feeling like I'm taking a bit of control back. Helps to know other women have been in the same crappy boat! X

Well done for getting that appointment.