Obsessing over death

[HollyDollyDooDaa]

My anxiety comes and goes for weeks at a time, it started randomly one day with heart palpitations and at its worst I feel depressed, anxious and like I'm only here for my husband or daughter. At its best, I forget its even there and feel totally happy and carefree for weeks at a time.

This last week or so I've become obsessive about death. I had a completely random thought last week that I won't be here by next Christmas and since then I can't stop thinking about it, I've convinced myself for no reason I'll be dead by next Christmas. I'm 28, I'm currently having blood tests and ECGs because of the palpitations and random anxiety but no serious symptoms that I feel could be related to something life threatening. I can't rationalise it but I also can't shake it, everything I do makes me think of my death - I like a song on the radio and I think of my family listening to it at my funeral, my daughter mentioned existence this morning and I thought I may not exist next year... Anything and everything is setting me off and it's horrible.

Has anyone else had the same? I don't want to be on medication because my anxiety comes and goes and I don't want to be reliant on anything. I just need to know I'm not alone

I feel I should mention, two family friends have recently passed away. One from cancer and one from a brain tumour, both were fine last year and then are suddenly gone now so I feel that may play a role.

Anyone? 😢

After extensive exposure to death as a child and as a young adult as well as multiple miscarriages, I am the same in terms of fixating on death. I never used to be as concerned I am now I am a mother. I am having CBT and I am on sertraline. Both have helped immensely.
Please seek help and speak to your GP about medication and therapy options. Sending lots of positivity to you. I hope you can feel an improvement soon.

I do think that you should talk to your GP.

My OH died 10 months ago and it has brought the whole subject of death into sharp focus for me - and the fact that you have just suffered the passing of two friends this year will be concentrating your mind on it too.

But in the end most people do manage to reconcile themselves to the fact of death and not let that stop them enjoying life - and for some it makes them enjoy life more.

If you are struggling to do that and it is impinging on your quality of life, then it would make sense to seek some help.

I hope that you are able to get over this blip in your life soon.

Hi OP, I have this too sometimes, had life saving surgeries a few years ago and also now some family members very ill and all the news etc too I think makes it worse. I wonder if maybe a kind of PTSD type thing / anxiety.

This may or may not help you but I found some help in this idea - because we can't get rid of thoughts, it helped me deal with it a little. I try and use mindfulness also.

medium.com/stoicism-philosophy-as-a-way-of-life/accept-death-as-ever-present-fa5ff8dacbfa

Basically about accepting death as part of life, like birth. all part of the cycle of life.

I had intrusive thoughts as part of PND and bereavement. Like you I didn't want to take medication. I had bereavement counselling and CBT with a clinical psychologist - it was incredibly helpful. Please give it a try, one technique really stuck with me, it was so powerful and simple and involved imagining the intrusive thought as a train moving at speed. You then mentally see the train pull into a station and step off.

It helped because I would have intrusive thoughts of the loved one I lost and spontaneously start crying at really difficult moments e.g. in car on way to work. Tbh the key lesson I had to learn was to allow myself to grieve. We have become so bad as a society at grieving, we just pick ourselves up and throw ourselves back onto the hamster wheel. The bitter lesson is: if the grief is unexpressed, it stays there, stuck. Learning this has helped me process later bereavements much more easily and healthily.

Thinking about the train analogy. I agree things like that can help, just give a little distance from the thoughts, similar is a technique called thought labelling.

I sympathise completely OP! I have been preoccupied with mortality since having kids. I have tried the works! The most helpful was ACT therapy with a clinical psychologist if that's something you can afford. It sounds like you could benefit from some bereavement counselling- even a couple of sessions would help you to talk it through. It's not surprising you're feeling like this after your losses. 💐
You're not alone though! I bet lots of mums feel like this but aren't talking about it! Like you, mine comes and goes, but I'm just starting to accept that it's not going away and try to use it to my advantage by enjoying each day, practising mindfulness, etc.
I really like Orangeblossom77777's link.
I find it too difficult a topic to broach with family and friends as I don't want to depress anyone!
Hope more people will come along with their tips! 🤞

I don't think the media and news helps with it's portrayal as death being 'grim' and a terrible tragedy either. In some cases death can be a release from suffering. I try and reduce my reading of such media as it isn;t helpful at times. Kind thoughts OP

Sorry I've been MIA since posting, feeling shitty this week so have been avoiding the post as I felt it would refresh it all, silly I know.

I really don't want to go on medication as it comes and goes so I don't actually need it all the time and my understanding is medication isn't a give or take thing.

I've tried online CBT but I couldn't get into it, it was listening to audio and relaxing one part of your body at a time... Easier said than done when you can't switch your mind off.

Does anyone else feel being alone makes it worse? I'm off work this week and have been dreading it all weekend as my husband is working and daughter at school. I'm just trying to pass the day before I can do the school run

Hi yes I do find it worse when alone, I try to go for a swim or a walk outdoors which helps. Having a routine can help - music perhaps or the radio for distraction. Yoga helps me a bit as well.

I've got some music on for background noise and I'm having a clean of the house but I'm just trying to mask my thoughts I think.

Sorry to hear you've been feeling crappy OP, I find the only thing that works for me is to get out of the house and get out in nature, really focus on things like the breeze on your face, feel of the rain or (I wish!) sun!! It's impossible not to feel really alive when you're out in the elements. I was told not to do body-focused relaxation as it heightens awareness of weird bodily sensations!