Questions and more questions and more questions

[1000questions]

Bit of a long one and don’t know if I have posted this in the right topic as it might not have anything to do with MH.
Dh was made redundant last year. He is in his early 60s so is very unlikely to ever work f/t again in his career. He is one of the people who had to isolate for 4 months and his MH has noticeably declined since.

The problem we are having is, he used to ask a lot of questions but it is now on another level. Questions that not only does he not listen to the answer but questions that no one would know the answer to. He can ask in a period of 5 minutes 16 questions.
It is driving everyone up the wall. It is a constant barrage.
As an example we were waiting for someone we had never met before to arrive.
He asked me whether this person would be a man or a woman. Whether they would have blond hair or brown. What did I think their eye colour would be. What exact time would they arrive. Would they be on time or not.
I replied on time then he asked me why I thought that. Then he asked me how many minutes late they would be? 1 or 2 or 6 or 7? I replied 6 or 7 to shut him up. Then he said so you think they are going to be 15 minutes late.
And that was the conversation till I told him to shut up. Then he went into a sulk.

He also doesn’t seem to notice what is going on around him. He will come into the kitchen and tell me that the dishwasher needs loading and give me a speech on how we need to keep in top of the washing up. Whilst I am setting the dishwasher off and there isn’t a plate of a cup to be seen.
Yesterday Ds blew up at him as I was helping Ds load his van with a very heavy piece of equipment
Ds and I were carrying a heavy piece of equipment down to the van and dh comes out and asks Ds for the Sat Nav. Ds said he would get it in a minute but dh persisted that he wanted it now. (He wasn’t going anywhere, he just has an obsession with charging things) Had he lost it? Where was it? Was it in the van? Ds answers yes. Then dh asks him if he has left it at someone’s house? Did he get it stolen because he hadn’t locked the van.
He also likes to know where and when Ds is going out to over the coming week. Ds works odd hours and irregular days.
Ds will tell him. He will send him a photo of his diary to say where he will be and at least a couple of times of day will ask what Ds’s jobs are this week. If Ds isn’t in he will ask me. I have taken to saying I don’t know a lot. Ds has blown up at him for asking the questions over and over. Then dh sulks as he says he just wants to know what he is doing.

I feel I am going mad at times. I end up going out and sitting in the car for hours just to get away of the questions.
Since the first lockdown it has got worse and I can’t see a life with him if these questions continue.
All conversation has gone. It is now just questions.

If you got this far thanks for reading.

Anyone?

His mental health certainly doesn't sound good. Would he see his GP? There are a lot of potential reasons for this sort of behaviour, but it sounds like anxiety and obsessive/compulsive behaviour could be part of it.

Does he have any other issues, like short-term memory problems? Because there is a difference between asking a question multiple times because you can't remember the answer, and asking repeatedly because you are anxious that the answer might have changed.

I didn't want to read and run but not qualified to comment really. I think however I would be speaking to a doctor - could it be the start of dementia? It could also just be a stress thing - wanting to control situations if he feels out of control. Sorry to not be of more help. Hoping you're OK because that must be hard to live with.

Definitely no short term memory. Hence him asking some questions again and again.

He has always asked a lot of questions but towards the end of the first lockdown it became worse
I thought once he was out of lockdown it would get better not get worse.
He won’t go to a doctor as he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him. I have been to see our GP on my own but they wouldn’t talk to me about him and said he should make an appointment if he thought there was a problem.

Whether it is the start of dementia or just down to anxiety I am facing years of this and the future is looking bleak. I am at breaking point and Ds has gone to work miles away to get out of answering hours of questions when he comes home.
As a couple we live separate lives as I know if I have to speak to him to tell him something simple for example I am just popping to the supermarket he will want to know which one? I only ever use one. Do I know the way? Do I need the Sat Nav? Where will I park? What am I going to get? Do I have money? Then will ask a few questions again as though he is trying to get things straight in his head. He just doesn’t seem to be able to make connections.
I worry that he has the start of dementia but it has come on so fast. His mother had dementia and it seemed to take years before it became noticeable.

Perhaps if you said you will have to consider your future together then if he thinks there isn't a problem - he may then be more willing to go to the doctor with you? Or perhaps you have to consider that it is dementia and work out coping strategies to live as if it is that? (without a diagnosis iyswim?)

Perhaps you could join a dementia carer's support group and they could help you work out a way forward?

Given how long his mother lived with dementia and how much it cost the family I know it sounds dreadful but I would rather split now. I can’t go through this again. Given how old his family live to it would be for me a life sentence.

That's the conversation you need to have with him then.

Could you limit him to 5 questions an hour? Save them if they’re important. Asked and answered. Think dementia support sounds critical. Sorry for your distress.

It’s not normal behaviour. He needs to see a doctor and have a once over.

It does sound like early dementia I am afraid. When people find that things are getting muddled in their mind they feel very insecure, and they constantly seek reassurance.

Contact the Alzheimers Society - www.alzheimers.org.uk/ - they deal with dementia of all sorts. The situation you are describing will be very familiar to them, including his refusal to seek medical help. Worth seeing what they suggest.

I know a lot about looking after a spouse who is slipping mentally - it is very hard - I cannot say otherwise. My advice would be to get all the advice and help you can; and above all else make sure you look after yourself and make time for yourself. It is easy to get sucked in to the point where you do nothing but deal with his problems, which is good for neither of you.

It could be dementia or it could be anxiety, or many other things. Encourage him again to see the GP, or find another way to get him there. Does your GP surgery do annual reviews for over 60s?

And yes, you do sound awful. It's ok to acknowledge that you're struggling with your husband being unwell, but to decide that you're leaving if he does have dementia is pretty disgusting. I've been there, and seen many more families go through it through my work. You don't walk away when a loved one becomes ill.

Hayeahnobut

I know it does sound awful but I have one life and I know having been through this with his mother. I can see me dying before him.
Those of you who have been through it once would you do it again straight after if you knew you were highly unlikely to survive the person with dementia and that was going to be your life from now on.
His mother lingered for years and was in her late 80s when she finally passed.

You don’t sound awful OP. Fuck the judgement of posters who are super comfy in their chairs reading about your life and feeling so very entitled to crush you with their criticism.

I do not think the OP is being "disgusting" - she has first hand knowledge of the toll that caring for someone with dementia can have on those doing the caring. I am not surprised that she is assessing how much she can realistically cope with.

I cared for my OH with PD for 10 years and the last couple of years when his mind went and he was extremely paranoid were so very hard in every possible way you can imagine. I would not presume to judge someone who felt that it was more than they could cope with.

I cared for my OH until his last 4 months when I had no choice but to throw in the towel and I found him an excellent nursing home where I visited him for several hours each day. He was well cared for until the end.

No-one is obliged to care for their partner if they feel they cannot manage it. There is more than one way of ensuring that someone is properly cared for and it need not always involve doing that care oneself.

The first step for OP is to talk to those organisations that can advise her on ways of making sure that her OH gets a proper diagnosis.

I an understand her being fearful of the future - but a diagnosis is step one.

I will try again in getting him to see the doctor but I don’t hold out much hope.
There has been a few times in the last couple of years where I have questioned him about some of the choices he has made. Being made redundant was a choice he made on his own. From what I understand it was voluntary. His pension is nowhere near what he would have got if he had stayed. The first I knew about it was when he told me one morning that he didn’t need to go to work any more and other things that have amazed me that he could be so gullible or what he was thinking at the time.

Could he also have a urine infection. Although he’s not old and I know this usually applies to old people, a UTI can make people go doolally.