I couldn't read and run as you seem to be in an awful place right now. I'm sorry you're suffering so much.
May I add a cautionary tale? Until 2016 it wasn't illegal to buy certain benzos online. My late DP had self medicated with alcohol, prescription drugs, pharmaceuticals and recreational drugs all at different times for about 30 years. When I met him he was sober in terms of alcohol but smoked marijuana some times and would do hallucinogenics occasionally too. Fast forward ten years, we have a son and his health fluctuated. Spring of 2016 was difficult. DP had been buying benzos online and was becoming increasingly anxious about the upcoming ban. You can imagine how easy it was for him to stockpile and then subsequently increase his daily use . The pills were not working well, they added to his anxiety. He continued to take prescription drugs for anxiety but only a nueropathic as he had an aversion to "all antidepressants due to their addictive nature." Yep.
When he drank alcohol as well it turned into a cluster fuck. Anxiety, paranoia, unstable mood swings. And anger too, which frightened me the most. Anyway, one night he doubled his benzo intake and decided to drink alcohol. We were on holiday, having arrived on Crete several hours earlier. To cut a long story short, something happened in his brain and he went from trying to rip passports up to taking a running jump over the balcony. He did not survive, his life support turned off the night before our original return date.
So, although I know as well as anyone that there was no one factor in his death, I am certain the benzos played no small part.
Their use, (at first unknown to me and then he lied about dose) absolutely destroyed him mentally. I liken them to alcohol in their destructive abilities. They served no good purpose after the first few days and only increased his bad mental health. He could not see it and I was increasingly concerned that I would have to tell him to leave. Well, he left alright but not in the way anyone wanted.
It concerns me greatly that you are currently using alcohol and contemplating trying to get a prescription. I very much doubt however that you would be given any more than 2x 5mg , if that.
Do you have a psychiatrist? Or a mental health professional involved? I am worried that your minimising to health care workers is actively harming you and I would wonder what would happen if you asked yourself why you were doing this and then tried to take a more open minded approach to other ways of communicating your distress. Please don't misunderstand me, I am fully aware of we self sabotage when unwell and how difficult it is to look at how we think of ourselves without a skilled professional with whom we have a rapport.
I think that being on the waiting list for rehab is good, stay on it. I don't know how good or poor provision is in your area but I'd recommend finding a good therapist who is experienced in the type of issues you struggle with.
Benzos are not the answer although I understand their appeal when you're feeling very shitty. Helping yourself recover is so so hard but please ask for the help you need.
Sorry for the essay!