Is counselling working?

[July56]

I’ve been speaking to a counsellor for 6 months, either once a week or fortnight. I had successful treatment for breast cancer last year but left me unable to cope.

The counselling has brought up a lot of other unresolved issues and at the moment I’m struggling to understand where I am. I seem to be talking about the same things over and over and I don’t know if the counselling is working. I’m still struggling with anxiety, trying to process everything, I still have shock and flashbacks from last year and am pretty depressed. I like my counsellor and feel I can talk to her and wonder if I’m expecting too much. She talks a lot about sitting with my feelings once I’ve recognised them and do I just have to wait until one day I feel better. I also wonder if I haven’t understood how counselling works and perhaps I’m not trying hard enough to change how I think and feel.

I asked if we could review things this week which she agreed would be a good idea and if I want to finish I could do. As I’m talking about the same things over and over I’m worried my counsellor is frustrated at my lack of progress and things aren’t going to improve.
Is this as good as I’m going to get?

I think you need to give yourself a break when I had therapy (ive had over a year) sometimes I would get stuck on a subject for a time and that's ok I processed it when I was ready, therapy also tends to make you worse before being better, so stick with it your doing great, and if something takes a while to get over that's ok different things hurt differs people differently and there is no right or wrong way to deal with issues so take a deep breathe take your time and carry on improving yourself.

I have literally just had this conversation with my therapist. Isnt he fed up listening to me complain about the same things over and over? He said no and actually pointed out several examples of me resolving issues that I hadn't even noticed I'd done.

Trauma therapy can be a long game. I've been going for a year now minus the first lockdown and I'm only just realising that I'm better now than I was this time last year.

A counsellor or a therapist or psychologist?

If you've been left traumatised by your treatment then counselling is the wrong treatment and could be what's causing you to feel "stuck". It's specifically advised against as a treatment for trauma for that reason.

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it.
@user191245365 I’m speaking to a counsellor and we’ve talked about trauma but she refers to it as small T. I should say my treatment was straightforward and was over very quickly but the surgery I had I found difficult. There are times when something will trigger a memory and I’m back in that moment and have all the same feelings again. I’m going to have to make the best of the help I’m having as I don’t think I could start again.
@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut I’m so grateful for your reply. Can I ask what your counsellor said as to where you are now? Are you carrying on with the counselling? I wish I could ask the same of my counsellor because that’s how I feel and because she mentioned finishing the counselling I’m over thinking that she’s had enough!
I am better than I was last year but I don’t feel I’m anywhere near over it. If the counselling ends I think I’ll either feel like this for ever or go back to how I was.
@Theodoreb thank you for what you’ve said. I still can’t believe I haven’t coped and I find that very frustrating. I know your right but I find it very difficult.

He pointed out things like setting firmer boundaries with my family and things I was anxious about but did anyway and that I was becoming prone to angry outbursts. I didn't think that anger was a good thing but he said he was relieved to see a bit of anger, that he was more worried by the fact that I had previously been depressed and hopeless and not really that responsive to much. He said he was relieved to see some fight in me.

I'm still going and probably will be for some time. We have discussed timescales but he said its one of those things that takes as long as it takes and I shouldn't feel pressured to be done by any particular date. I know most of his clients are shorter term but it depends on why you're there.

I think they have to bring it up to gauge how you feel about it. You don't sound ready to me. Why don't you ask her? Or if you don't feel comfortable asking her, maybe you should look for a different therapist.

Hi @nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut Thank you for your reply. I’m glad you’re carrying on with the counselling and you realise you’re making some progress, however slow it is at the minute.

Last week when I spoke to my counsellor I was really struggling. I had an appointment at the hospital which set me off into a huge emotional and anxious spin. When I spoke to her this week things had calmed a lot and she didn’t say that she thought I was like this or like that but went over everything bit by bit and by the end I realised that’s what we had discussed. I’ve struggled to understand why I haven’t been able to cope and end up being very hard on myself for it. Slowly I’m beginning to realise I just need some time to just be, without feeling guilty and ashamed but I can’t work out how to do that.

I don’t feel I’m ready to finish the counselling but I worried that my counsellor didn’t know what else to say/do as she thought perhaps I wasn’t trying hard enough to change. I’ve never had counselling before and it’s taken a lot of time to understand how it works.

I hope you’re ok, and thank you again.

I think maybe you should find another counsellor. They shouldn't make you feel like they're at a loss for what to do with you. It should be a safe place where there are no expectations weighing on you.

I've seen a few counsellors and it's fine to switch and change until you find the best fit. Its why I drive an hour to bastard London to get to mine because I haven't found anyone closer that I work as well with.

I honestly think counselling is a load of crap. I feel like it offers no real 'solutions' for moving forward (like, for example, CBT, DBT, DIT, etc.) but it still insists on being current state and forward-facing rather than letting you talk about the past. Unless I've just been unlucky. (I have experience of other therapies for comparison.)

I'm on a second attempt at present and am only persevering as I get some sessions free through my work benefits but my opinion of it so far is very low.

I thought it may be useful as I'm having difficulties navigating a family relationship where said person has caused me untold amounts of stress/distress over my life and the situation is complicated by the fact they're incredibly ill so I feel I have to be in somewhat regular contact. I thought that a counsellor might be able to help me unpick the stuff from my past - particularly my childhood - so that I could find some peace in my current and future interactions, while protecting my boundaries. I keep being told that this is 'solutions focused' and 'counselling isn't usually about looking backwards' but in this example, we can't really look at the present or the future without understanding the past.

Anyway, don't want to derail - just presenting some context for my opinion...

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut Sorry I haven’t explained myself very well. My counsellor hasn’t said anything it’s been me over thinking things and worrying what she was thinking. After this week I can see none of that was going on by the way went talked over everything. I really don’t think I could face starting again with someone new.

@UrghThisIsHard I don’t understand all the different types of counselling/therapy but I do spend a lot of time going over things from my childhood and past. If you’re seeing a CBT counsellor that could be why as I understand that focuses on the now. I hope you find some help.

Thanks, OP. They’re not - they’re supposed to just be ‘generic’ counsellors. I’ve had CBT from a psychologist and a psychotherapist and that’s quite different. It’s fine. I’m giving it a whirl but I think I’m going to pay for schema therapy in the new year. Was just offering an opinion in solidarity with your struggles is all.