Last year I had a nervous breakdown and it made me realise that I have probably had issues with my mind for most of my life and I never recognised it until that episode. I actually don't know if it really was mental health - perhaps I was just an awful person and I woke up to this fact. I have since been in a perpetual state of guilt, shame, rumination, ocd, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation. I would do anything to go back and change the past and be a better person. Some days all I can think about is ending it all but the problem is I have children and an amazing husband all of whom I adore and don't deserve. They would be devastated without me (I don't deserve their sadness) but at the same time they don't deserve this which is me being a shell of my former self. I feel like the one thing I was good at was being a good mum and that ability has been taken away from me because I am in such a dark place.
I guess why I am writing this is because i want to know if anyone has got through living with guilt and shame over their past? Or even if anyone was once a horrible person and managed to change for the better and put the past behind them?
I know now the person I want to be but I just feel so stuck in the past that I can't move forward and be that person.
I am in touch with mental health services and on meds but I almost feel like this is a battle of my mind that only I can get through.