Depression following termination & miscarriage (plus fabulous son & daughter)

[jamjac]

Hi all,

Just feeling depressed as v nearly 6 months to the day that I terminated my last pregnancy due to anencephaly. Prior to this I'd had my son, 2 miscarriages and then my daughter who gave us lots of scares on the way. Then this loss. Having lost 3 babies I do understand how lucky I am to have my wonderful children sam & jj, but am aching for my angels.

Am 39 & my husband doesn't want to put us through more losses, which I understand, but I ache to try again. Am eating and drinking too much to try to make my self feel better - which obviously just makes me fatter & therefore feel worse! Even self harming. Anyone out there with words of advice???????

Oh jamjac You are grieving for your babies and that is only natural. Have you ever considered counselling to help you come to term with your loss? Well done for posting btw.

Yes get some counselling. I did my abortion alone. You need all the help you can get. I didn't have any children at the time (now I have a wonderful dd) by my partner had 4 of his living with us at the time. It hit him as much as it hit me i found out much later. If we had communicated I think the whole process would have been easier and I would have had my daught a lot sooner. All my love to you xxxx

Thanks for your replies.

Yes, have had counselling, but was just getting to the point where I felt I could open up & talk about how s**t I really felt when my 6 weeks was up. Feel really stupid as would probably have got more from it & more time if I'd have open up from the word go, but found the whole couselling relationship difficult - found it v strange to be talking about myself in very personal detail to complete stranger. I know that's the point, but nevertheless struggled ...

I totally understand the idea of you struggling, there are no rules as to how quickly you should have opened up. A counselling relationship is like any other it takes time to build up trust. Would it be possible to start again only on a more long term basis?

I have to go to bed now jamjac but please come back and post, your not alone and will get plenty of support here.

I had my counselling a long time after I had the abortion. Basically I found a friend I could trust and confide in. It will never go away, no matter what you do, BUT it will get 'easier'. At some point. The self harming thing well email me at [email protected].

Hey JamJac,

just seen this message and wanted to say that I know a little of what you are feeling as I too had a termination in February for Anencephaly.

At the time the only thing I thought could make it better was to be pregnant again, and two months later I was. I'm now 30 weeks and what should be such a happy time has been tinged with so much sadness. I realise now that I never gave myself enough time to grieve and I'm wondering whether the same applies to you.

While I'm looking forward to this baby, with hindsight I think I should have waited and come to terms with the loss before trying again. I can't explain very well the feelings I have at the moment, it's all been such a whirlwind and sometimes I just stop and weep at the thought of my lost daughter. Like you say, it's an ache, and no other baby will ever replace her. That's probably something that will never entirely go away and I now know for sure that being pregnant again doesn't numb the pain.

6 months is not a long time, especially after what you have been through. I'm sure if you went to your GP you could get additional counselling...something I never got because I would also have difficulty opening up to a stranger! However, it sounds like you had gone past that discomfort so maybe you could give it another go.

I realise your message was a while ago so maybe you won't see this but I hope you are doing alright.

Take care
xx

Six months is a low time for anyone who has lost a child. They say by that time you have just started to get back to things and then you say/think "It's been 6 months and I'm living my life!" Then you get set back from guilt that you could dare get on with life.

For me it happened mothers day 06, I'd lost a baby mothers day 04 and I was pregnant again, I was so low for ages then!

Please speak to your GP, there is help out there that doesn't end after six weeks (what a stupid idea!) and you really need some long term care. Whilst you may be desperate to have another one, you need to be better before you do.

Also ask your GP for prepregnancy councelling, all of your professionals will meet with you and an obstetrition and discuss what steps they will take during your next pregnancy and before (I have to take 1250%RDA of folic acid as Mum has a form of Spina Bifida). It may help to appease your DH if you are better and have a support plan in place.

Have you looked up the support group for anencephaly? I know there is one and you may find that they have befrienders.

Hi KatyH & Tinkerbellesmum.

Didn't expect to hear anymore from this, thankyou!

Katy i'm so sorry for what you have been through. Congratulations on your pregnancy and i hope all continues to go well. I do understand what you said about needing time to grieve - i have spent so long thinking about / talking to my dh about whether or not to try again, and feeling depressed and guilty, that i don't think i've given myself any time to accept what's happened and grieve for my lost baby. Your new baby won't "replace" your lost daughter, but i think wanting and having another baby is a lovely tribute to the one you lost. I wish you lots of love together!

Tink - sorry also for your loss. Your quote "Then you get set back from guilt that you could dare get on with life" is so true! I have been told that if i wanted to try again i'd need to take 5X the usual recommended rate of folic acid for 3 months before TTC. Which feels like an extra 3 months on top of the 9!

I think I'm resigned to not having anymore - well, i believe that we won't as dh hasn't budged & don't think i'd get through another lost baby - but can't say i'm happy about it. I've just got through what would have been my due date and have been struggling a bit. I know i've been hiding behind copious bottles of wine in a vague attempt to cope. In fact rereading this thread has been hard as i was pretty drunk when i first posted - wouldn't have had the guts to be so frank otherwise. Think my friends & family think it's been enough time now and i'm "over" it, but can't really see that ever happening.

I think I had a miscarriage in 04, I always had negative tests, but three months after my last period (mothers day) I bled a lot. (Didn't see anyone cause I'd only ever had negative tests).

In April 05 I miscarried at 8 weeks - they think it was multiple, maybe 3.

In September 05 I went into labour and my daughter was born alive at 20 weeks. She died in my arms at 3 hours old.

In December I was pregnant again. I was terrified. I didn't believe I was pregnant, well I sort of did but by now I didn't believe that me being pregnant meant I had a baby at the end. At 31 weeks I went into labour and had to be given a GA to have a section. It messed me up, the whole thing plus the GA. But, my point is, I did it all. I'm not trying to sound like a martyr or anything, but I want you to know that it is possible. It can be hard and if I can get through all that, anyone can!

Get the proper pre pregnancy councelling and you will find you probably have a very good chance of taking another baby to viability (I never say going to term cause of my daughters).

BTW, ask your Dr whether your children could have occulta. They wouldn't know and it wouldn't necessarily affect them (Mum was a hurdler and never knew she had it till she was older than me and a Dr looked at her xray and said "how does your spina bifida affect you?") but it's probably worth knowing as long as they don't let it hold them back.

I think I had a miscarriage in 04, I always had negative tests, but three months after my last period (mothers day) I bled a lot. (Didn't see anyone cause I'd only ever had negative tests).

In April 05 I miscarried at 8 weeks - they think it was multiple, maybe 3.

In September 05 I went into labour and my daughter was born alive at 20 weeks. She died in my arms at 3 hours old.

In December I was pregnant again. I was terrified. I didn't believe I was pregnant, well I sort of did but by now I didn't believe that me being pregnant meant I had a baby at the end. At 31 weeks I went into labour and had to be given a GA to have a section. It messed me up, the whole thing plus the GA. But, my point is, I did it all. I'm not trying to sound like a martyr or anything, but I want you to know that it is possible. It can be hard and if I can get through all that, anyone can!

Get the proper pre pregnancy councelling and you will find you probably have a very good chance of taking another baby to viability (I never say going to term cause of my daughters).

BTW, ask your Dr whether your children could have occulta. They wouldn't know and it wouldn't necessarily affect them (Mum was a hurdler and never knew she had it till she was older than me and a Dr looked at her xray and said "how does your spina bifida affect you?") but it's probably worth knowing as long as they don't let it hold them back.

TinkerbellesMum - I'm so sorry for what has happened to you, all awful but especially losing your daughter. I can't imagine... I do take inspiration from you.

Thanks for the thought on occulta - am off to look it up.

No need to feel sorry for me I believe there are reasons everything happens and if something good happens then I'm happy.

It is hard to carry on when bad things keep happening, but we can't allow the bad things to keep winning I think.