Is it just me or is there really an issue?

[bubblegum7474]

I had a baby about four months ago. Dm has been horrifically unsupportive. Basically argued with me about things she's been unhappy about two weeks after I gave birth. I was distraught with some of the selfish things she came up with. Db and Ds were in support of her as they are young adults, they seem to love pleasing her because (i feel)as I am
15 years their senior , they loved seeing her go into me like she did.

Dm and I have always got along but for the past few months some of her comments really get to me. Things like she hates that Dh and I are a unit and apparently I tell him too much. Constantly going on how I should be raising my kids. So many other things I can't really say on here.

I can't quite explain but I've been feeling quite unpleasant lately. It seems when I think about something random it's always negative. So if I think about my childhood, how much I missed out on or what could have been. How my Dm never really put me first. Or how I was treated unfairly in the past and that I should have done something about it. How friends have let me down in the past. How unintelligent I am
In comparison to my DH and Family. It's all this negativity that really is getting me down. I really don't need to think about all this right now. But it's almost as if it just comes to me.

I've done a quiz online about pnd and it may be likely that I suffer from it. I don't want to think I'm going crazy. Am I?

With all these thoughts, I don't know if it's just me or if people around me are just mean. I've normally been able to not let things bother me and I never used to think about these things. But it seems I do now. What can I do to help?

Anyone?

Hi, didn't want to read & run. Sounds like your mother has a nasty streak & can be unpleasant. I would distance yourself from her & your siblings for a while. You are likely to still be hormonal & tired. If pnd is a possibility do you have a decent health visitor or gp you can speak to? If you are feeling low it can be harder to focuss on the good things around you.
Have you spoken to DH about how you are feeling? Some tlc from someone you love can be a huge boost to how you feel.
And congratulations on your baby .

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Hi, didn't want to read & run. Sounds like your mother has a nasty streak & can be unpleasant. I would distance yourself from her & your siblings for a while. You are likely to still be hormonal & tired. If pnd is a possibility do you have a decent health visitor or gp you can speak to? If you are feeling low it can be harder to focuss on the good things around you. Have you spoken to DH about how you are feeling? Some tlc from someone you love can be a huge boost to how you feel. And congratulations on your baby .

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. It's so hard to distance myself as they're used to being in my face all the time and then bother me even more when I don't keep in contact. So it's like a lose lose situation.

I have spoken to DH but I don't think he's very good at helping emotionally speaking. He does try and ask if I'm ok and what I need etc. But it's not helped me.

Ok, if you must stay in touch, don't actually say much (text waffle, no real details). If they ring & you don't want to talk, ignore it & send a text later - we were asleep/bathtime/out for a walk. Get them used to you not always answering. Try & focus on the good bits day to day & not dwell on the past, what you may have missed out on etc. It's gone, can't be changed. If you find yourself thinking of negatives, consciously stop & think back to some positives. Get a balance. Make the here & now good. Enjoy your family unit. This is baby's first Christmas so make some nice memories. It's important that you get some time to yourself (I know not easy when they are tiny). Have a nice bath & pamper yourself while dh looks after baby. Turn off your phone, ignore social media & enjoy the peace.

Sometimes, the best thing dh can do is listen & give you a hug. He probably feels out of his depth if you are not usually emotional. Is there a good friend who could support you?

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Ok, if you must stay in touch, don't actually say much (text waffle, no real details). If they ring & you don't want to talk, ignore it & send a text later - we were asleep/bathtime/out for a walk. Get them used to you not always answering. Try & focus on the good bits day to day & not dwell on the past, what you may have missed out on etc. It's gone, can't be changed. If you find yourself thinking of negatives, consciously stop & think back to some positives. Get a balance. Make the here & now good. Enjoy your family unit. This is baby's first Christmas so make some nice memories. It's important that you get some time to yourself (I know not easy when they are tiny). Have a nice bath & pamper yourself while dh looks after baby. Turn off your phone, ignore social media & enjoy the peace.

Thank you so much. I will take on your advise. Just reading this helps.

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Sometimes, the best thing dh can do is listen & give you a hug. He probably feels out of his depth if you are not usually emotional. Is there a good friend who could support you?

Yes he feels exactly that. I'm normally quite strong and DH isn't very good with dealing with my emotions like this. He is supportive in the best way he can be. I have spoken to best friend about it but I don't want to constantly bother her about the same thing. I end up feeling like it's too much for her and I'm being unfair so I try not to

Negativity is a symptom of pnd in the way you describe it. Seek advice from your health visitor. It does have the effect of polarising things that may have been only minor issues that you could normally shrug off. Congratulations and it does get better.

I agree with PP’s that you should speak to your health visitor and also follow @CoffeeBeansGalore’s excellent advice. You can’t change the past, but you can focus on your new family unit and take care of yourself now.💐

@Lineofconcepcion

Negativity is a symptom of pnd in the way you describe it. Seek advice from your health visitor. It does have the effect of polarising things that may have been only minor issues that you could normally shrug off. Congratulations and it does get better.

Thank you. You have literally put it in such simple terms. I will give her a call tomorrow.

@bubblegum7474 How are you?

[quote CoffeeBeansGalore]@bubblegum7474 How are you?[/quote]
Hi @CoffeeBeansGalore thank you so much for asking. I'm okish. Haven't had the courage to call my HV. I almost feel like I don't what to say. The words just don't come out right.

I have been trying to keep the distance from DM and I think yesterday she was annoyed I hadn't really spoken to her (I FaceTime her for the kids) and today had a couple of calls. My last call with her again annoyed me and one part of conversation keeps ringing in my ear. She brings up things she knows I don't want to talk about. I recently fell out with my cousins and she keeps asking if I'm speaking to them like she's expecting me to do it anyway. I used to be quite close with her and I do find she's been affecting my mental health but it's almost as if I'm scared to say I have an issue with DM because it's frowned upon. Does that make sense?

I felt sad at one point today but picked myself up and get busy running around with DC.

I did think about whether I should tell DM that I have PND to stop her from saying insensitive things or talking about the drama in her life which tbh I care about but I'm just not in the right mind right now to think about it. Most of the conversations go past me and some details will stay and upset me.

I haven't ever been upfront about my feelings or mental health with my family because I've always been the one to carry everyone's load and almost feel embarrassed not knowing what their attitude will be. I suspect they will be very obvious about it and make me feel awkward. I don't know if I'm being very fair.

Hi
It's entirely up to you who you speak to and what you tell them. I'm not sure your dm would be entirely understanding, but you know her so trust your judgement.
If she starts talking about something you don't want to discuss, change the subject or end the call, i.e. "have you spoken to Z/done xya?"

1. No. Ooh little Jonny come talk to Granny & show her your . . . Etc. Hand over phone & go do something. When child comes back you have your hands full so bye bye.
2. No. Ok there goes the timer for microwave/oven. Baby's nappy just exploded/ child shouting from toilet. Must go, bye & hang up before she can say anything. If she criticises the way you do something - "well I do it like this". - Yes I know you do. Change subject. "I think you should do it like this." - I find it easier to do it this way. Change subject. If she keeps on, Sorry dm I've got to go, bye (& hang up before she can say anymore). You do not need to "take the load" for anyone but yourself. It's sounds like you are pulling yourself up and doing pretty great. Remind yourself YOU matter. What YOU want matters. Just because your dm wants/thinks/needs something it doesn't trump you. Right now the wants of your dm & siblings/extended family are not top priority on your list. In fact they shouldn't even be ON your list. Think about what you actually want to say to the HV. Write it down. It might be easier if you can see it. I'm not the greatest fan of HVs but there are good ones & it is their job to help you. Most mums have a wobble, just different degrees of severity. Keep going. The kids are warm, fed & happy. You have a dh who loves you. it'll be fine.

Hi @bubblegum7474 Hope you are ok & not too stressed. Nearly Christmas Holidays!