Borderline personality disorder help

[Elasticatedwaist]

I think ds has this . His diagnosis is Aspergers , he got that about 8 years ago but it’s never really added up .
He point blank refuses to get help ( if there is any) anymore . I don’t blame him after the treatment we got at Camhs. He doesn’t even want to consider another diagnosis either .
My life is fairly hellish with him . I’ve just had an awful weekend with him saying he wants to die etc etc and now he’s all smiles again whilst I am deeply sad and still suffering .
My question is , what can I do to help him myself if he won’t go to a professional?
How do I handle him ?
Is there anything out there to help me help him and to cope ?
He’s 21 now and the last 10 years have been so hard for us all . I’m at the end of my tether .

It’s very hard once they’re over 16 as they automatically become responsible for their health and decisions.
I’d start by contacting his gp, as much as they can’t divulge information, they can certainly listen and note your concerns.
It might be that you feel he needs a mental health act assessment if you feel he’s serious about wanting to die (even just at times) but that’s probably a last resort. You can request this without his consent as his nearest relative.
From what you’ve said it sounds possible he has eupd / bpd (I’m not a professional btw) but equally it might not be.
Presumably he’s been discharged from Camhs now? In which case he’d be under adult mental health services. Can you sell it to him as a different agency to try again?
I’m sorry things are so hard right now

Hi, I don't have the answers but I'm sorry that both you and your son are suffering and I didn't want to read and not post. I hope you get some advice. It's not the same but I was diagnosed with anxiety as a teenager and it later turned out to be PTSD (I'm now 39) and I do wish I had got that diagnosis or some help to deal with the underlying causes earlier.

I would focus on the fact that you want your son to get help to feel better rather than getting him a specific diagnosis. Any intervention from my own mum felt like criticism because of the nature of what I am suffering with and unfortunately I really had to hit rock bottom before I would seek any help.

Thanks for the replies . He won’t get any help at all . There was never any trauma in his childhood so that doesn’t fit with bpd but he does have it in his head that we loved his brother more and he’s always been a disappointment. I have always tried to be equal with both . I think it’s because his brother was /is classic Aspergers and was pretty much a child genius , no one thought he had AS at the time just that he was amazingly clever and unusual like a little professor. He was also constantly correcting everyone including his brother. Obviously this all affected ds2 who thought he was lesser . I didn’t realise it would have such repercussions I just tried to say all the right things and get them to get along . As o thought was normal . I’ve made a whole mess of parenting I think .

There was never any trauma in his childhood

There might not be anything you perceive as trauma, but day to day life for an autistic teen can be highly traumatic without there being any obvious events to cause it.

There could also be a level of PTSD/CPTSD, again stemming from difficult teen years.

Rather than placing a personality disorder on him I would be exploring the effects of trauma and how to help in that way.

I’ve made a whole mess of parenting I think

You’ve done the best with the information and resources you had. Don’t beat yourself up 💐

One of the things I've realised is that unfortunately it's not necessarily what happens to us in life as they way we perceive it and make sense of it so please don't blame yourself. Have you ever had any counselling or therapy yourself? You can't pour from an empty cup and all that...

Have you got a local carers centre? My local one is fantastic and runs a support group for relatives of people with bpd.

Really helps to talk to other people.

My ex-husband has BPD and it was exhausting to live with, so I really feel for you, the only know treatment which has proven to be very effective is DBT therapy, if he is prepared to commit to this for an extended period then hopefully he'll see some improvement, unfortunately those with BPD rarely want to admit that the way they see the world and react with it is wrong, it'd weird, imagine being told that the way you process and have always processed emotions is different from everyone else. There are some great books that you can read such as Stop Walking on Eggshells