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Living situation w unplanned pregnancy

9 replies

Sunflwr · 01/12/2020 16:09

I really don't know where to start here, but I am 25 weeks pregnant with a baby girl and seriously struggling with the reality of having to live with my in laws or parents while raising my first child. There wouldn't be as much issues then the conditions in which both homes are, and of course the people who I will have to co habitate with daily. I became pregnant this summer by accident and found out around july, Aug that I was unable to have an abortion and also in my heart I truly wanted to keep the child once I knew positively. I live in a basement with Hoarders and absolutely no control over the space in which I live other then the specific bedroom and bathroom I get, I do not even get to open the tiny window maybe 10feetfrom my bedroom for fresh air. This is my main living area at nighttime, after work my sleeping area and where I spend most weekends. During the daytime I leave in the am and go to my parents house nearby because my dog lives there seeing as I feel it better he have a whole house and not just basement confine...my parents are both heavy smokers and smoke indoors...the house is clean, otherwise very small and I have a bedroom here with much of my childhood things and other items stored here. My boyfriend of 14 years has enjoyed living with his parents this entire time while I have been pushing to move out, always answered with the lack of money, or he refuses to rent saying it's a waste of money...but we are paying rent to his parents!? Not to mention costing me in food and other amenities for both households as I try to help out with food items, paying Bill's and other cash helps to them frequently...its tough having to afford 2 of everything...now with baby coming in 3 months or less, I am panicking because I have no healthy safe place for them to be living...my boyfriend smokes dope in our bedroom and refuses to move it out of the room or house, and I most definitely do not want a child anywhere in either homes because of the smoking...his plan is to shove us into a tiny bedroom upstairs between his parents, with absolutely no privacy, his parents are awful mean selfish people and I cant stand the mother in law constant controlling system, is why the son is refusing to move out I feel so trapped and so hopeless. I think of suicide as a viable option which I know is extremely wrong and just shows how much help I truly need....reaching out to those around me has done nothing, but make me more depressed. I need some kind of advice on what to do, I have lots but it's like everyone's suggesting things I cant physically do myself I feel lost in whether to leave and try being alone, in which I cannot afford to on my current wages or maternity wages when I work it out, rent for a bachelor apt is over $900 a month here plus utilitly, food ect..I pay for mostly everything even though my other half makes twice what I do. We have over $8,000 saved as a downpayment for a home, but he is saying I will have to stay at his parents at least a year with the new baby...I cant even accept a day because the house is filthy, full of mould and chemical air fresheners and awful people I cant escape. I just continually break down over this and cant seem to move forward I just need to do what's best for this child but am.so.lost.... my job is extremely demanding as well and I have to work as long as I can to have money, but yet I know they want me gone...I have no support outside of a few well wishing friends, my family tries to be kind yet cant even not smoke around me, they have their own issues and barely afford their rent at their home. I have tried repeatedly to get them.to agree to share a proper clean and more spacious residence with the boyfriend and I, I feel.that would be most cost effective for both and beneficial but they dont want to move and I cannot explain why truly...I am just so unhappy with the thought of having to be at the filthy home, they say they will renovate, clean it up but I asked for cleanup every week for all our healths sake and still nothing gets done or thrown away, I used to keep up cleaning the garbage as much as I could but now am extremely worried of the exposure to.mould, dust to my growing baby...I just do not want to be there and the father threatened me if I.try leaving to say I'm insane, unfit, depressed and drug using (I still use small amounts of cannabis daily just trying to cope, been trying to quit completely) and I am so sure they might be able to take my child away then...I just hate all.of this and have spent my entire pregnancy depressed, crying and faking happiness, I havent even announced the news at 6months because I am so embarrassed of what people may ask or say about my situation, I CAN afford to move out if he helped me and that is the right thing to do but why is he not seeing this? I am so worried this will put me in the grave or risk my babies health further with the stress...I just want to nest and prepare and be excited like other mothers I see...instead I just feel like I hold back a breakdown every moment...it feels awful, desperate to even write and post this. I appreciate anyone's feedback, advice or support. Every day just feels like I cant take anymore, but Feeling baby kick often reminds me to stay strong and seek answers...because I need to be here for her life ♡ and never stop trying my best!

OP posts:
TiredMamof2 · 01/12/2020 16:20

Sorry I have no constructive advice but couldn’t read and run. Is there anyone you able to speak to for more informed advice? Would you be entitled to benefits to support the cost of moving out if you were alone? Would it be possible for you to get a council property? Are there any local charities for mother’s in vulnerable situations that could offer you support?

Sunflwr · 01/12/2020 16:27

Thank you for your reply. I am hoping to find some support options at my first OB appt on Dec 11th, hoping the office has resources available as they are a womens care centre for many ailments and concerns. I am working mainly part time until I cant be able to apply for help until I stop work and choose to be either on Maternity leave, or welfare EI. Mat leave should give me about $250 a week I calculated, when I am struggling making $400 a week..so I dont know how I can afford things? I never thought of myself as a vulnerable mother in need, I shall look into that but truly dont feel I deserve it in some sense I feel so guilty I am in this situation still so far along. Your advice was helpful thank you

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 01/12/2020 17:52

If you have $8k can you take it and rent yourself at least a clean, decent studio space to get you through the first year until you're back at work and then you'll be earning to pay the rent (plus benefits to top up)? It sounds like you feel completely trapped and your options with the boyfriend (who I'm sorry but he sounds useless) and the older generation sound untenable and are leaving you at a loss, but you've got this money that can give you some freedom and buy you some time. I know you'll say it's been saved for a deposit but this is an unplanned situation and you're having suicidal thoughts so survival and safety come first. Your boyfriend doesn't sound a good bet for buying a home together anyway so I'd put your baby and yourself first and get a decent roof over your head. You may need to spend some of that money to be eligible for state support anyway so grab it and run with no regrets.

nimbuscloud · 01/12/2020 17:55

Use the savings to find a decent place for you and your baby.
Your situation sounds terrible. The sooner you leave the better it will be.

Sunflwr · 01/12/2020 19:54

He holds that money in his account, which I truly have no access to. He feels it is his money, I didnt contribute directly to it so its "His" ...I have $500 saved cash on the side for myself and baby and continue trying to add to that every 2 weeks. I like the suggestion to not commit to buying a home together because that is very true with how things are. I must be delusional to think they will get better away from his parents? We are both over 30 years old by the way, I am not young so I feel such shame not knowing how to proceed...thank you for the replies ♡

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 01/12/2020 20:01

That’s a real shame about the savings.
I’d keep working away and make plans to set up on your own.

EstherMumsnet · 01/12/2020 20:10

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

TiredMamof2 · 01/12/2020 20:26

OP please don’t feel that you don’t deserve help of course you do. You haven’t planned this pregnancy but even if you had circumstances change and things don’t always end up being as you expected. The support is there for people who need it and it seems that you do. Even if you don’t want to end your relationship now, setting up on your own could be your best way forward in case the relationship does break down. At least then you won’t be entangled with him financially etc. You will also probably be entitled to more support if he isn’t living with you.

TiredMamof2 · 01/12/2020 20:32

You could also look into a sure start grant if you do receive some benefits £500 could go towards things you need. I’ve just had my second baby and bought loads of second hand stuff in great condition from Facebook marketplace.

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