Crashed and burned, what next?

[pringlebells]

Hi,

Long time member NC for the nature of the subject being quite personal and identifiable.

I had my first panic attack last night, followed by several consecutive ones between midnight and 4am.

I've been working so hard, I'm a full time nursing student. Mum to a 1yr old, married to DH who's working every hour god sends to keep us afloat.

I took on an extra job at a busy small shop that my cousin works at so I could help out more with bills, have some extras at Christmas and take pressure off DH.

DH wasn't keen and expressed his concern, but I thought I knew better.

I was originally contracted to 8 hours a week but they had me working 12-18 per week. I spoke out, it fell on deaf ears. I didn't want to let anyone down and kept going.

It's a shop mainly serving alcohol, I work late shifts after my uni hours and finish at 10pm and home between half ten and 11, I miss DS bedtime routine.

DS started not sleeping, or waking at 3:30-4:30, this hit me hard. Throw in general pressures of 2020, some traumatic things happened that I put to the back of my mind.

I worked through and then some chap called me a fat, ugly slut for refusing to serve him due to him being so drunk. I'm training to be a mental health nurse, I've worked with challenging behaviour for years and I've been called so much worse but wow this hit me.

Anyway, a colleague who's always refused to acknowledge me begins shouting at me for not being able to take anymore hours, I confront my manager and she said "I'll have a word, but could you do more?"

I then finished subsequent shift and went home to bed, woke up thinking I was dying. Collapsed on the bathroom floor couldn't catch my breath and it kept happening all night. I knew it was a panic attack, I'd never had them before but I know how to recognise symptoms.

DH had to cancel his shift today to help me, I genuinely feel floored. I quit my job, my cousin is deeply upset as she's overworked and now having to cover mine.

The guilt is unreal, I've never felt this worn out, down and unable to pick myself up? I wished I was dead last night, I even told DH I'd be better off dead than feeling like this.

I can't get hold of GP, I'm safe and not feeling suicidal at present, but can't shake the guilt.

Any advice? Also any advice on how to combat a panic attack? Tried blowing into a bag, propping myself up and sipping water but that was the worst feeling I've ever felt.

Generally, I lead a healthy yet hectic life. I do not drink due to it causing me to feel depressed, I eat well and prior to starting job I had been exercising regularly

I feel like I should know the answers but truthfully I was so scared last night and the guilty feeling in my chest is killing me

I have anxiety after ptsd from a bad birth. There are some really good apps that can help with mindfulness and breathing, better than the paper bag trick!

If you can get out the house I always find exercise really helps keep it at Bay. Even when I'm exhausted it makes me feel more on control.

Having said that I broke down this weekend and have ended up at the docs today and have meds for the first time so I'm not expert.

Sending you a hug more than help though.

The more you worry about it happening again, the more likely it is to happen.
I suffer panic disorder and it's truly horrific.
You've reached your tipping point so don't add to the stress by stressing ( I know, easier said than done).
Your body and brain ate telling you that enoughs enough so you need to down tools so to speak and look after you.
Accept any help you can from dh and recognise you are not responsible for others and their actions/situations. Eg.your cousins issues are not your issues. She needs to speak to her employer if she's overworked.
Please take a look at the 'anxiety no more' blog and 'At last a life's - Paul David.
Really helped me.

Thank you so much for the replies, I'm going to try get hold of my gp again tomorrow too see if I get anywhere.

I feel so hopeless, DH has been great. I just can't shake the guilty feeling. It truly is horrendous. I sort of felt similar in the first few nights after having DS, but not this bad.

Bless you, that sounds dreadful. I am a very anxious person but can only imagine how horrid a full-blown panic attack must be. They are relatively common and like a pp said, this is your mind and body giving you a clear warning that enough's enough.
You feel guilty because you're a decent person.
Slow, rhythmic breathing (Google it) really helps but you have to be determined to do it for at least 20 minutes.
Speak to your doctor - would you want to be signed off? Sounds like you need a complete break.

I'm going to, i haven't even told work my colleague told them I wasn't coming in. I couldn't face calling them so I will have to tomorrow, I'm likely going to quit if they haven't sacked me