Hi there, I feel a little scared posting this on here because I've been feeling pretty vulnerable the last while. I've felt depressed and hopeless for quite a while now. I see a wonderful therapist and that helps a little bit. I've also taken anti depressants but none of them agree with me due to an eye condition I have. When I was just 19 u was involved in an accident whereby I lost a lot of my vision and it's impacted my life severely. I had to have a cornea transplant to try to save my vision and while it was successful, my vision is still very poor and glasses and contact lenses do not correct it. Before that I was studying to be a beauty therapist and it's what I always wanted to do. I've struggled with working since then due to my vision, but I try to volunteer when I'm able to. I like to give back when I can
I'm now 38 and already feel like my life is over even though I know that's such a negative mindset but I can't seem to shake it. I lost the love of my life just a few years ago when she was just 33 and that always puts things into perspective for me.
Upto a few years ago, I was always a very positive and extrovert person who loved being around people and being involved in things. However due to a lot of emotional abuse and bullying in past friendships and relationships, I find I have cut myself off so much. Most of my close friends have immigrated and the one close friend I had stabbed me in the back during lockdown all because I disagreed with her on something. I'm thankful that Im close with my mother and she has been an amazing support, but other that that I feel very isolated. I get involved in groups when I can (currently on lockdown again) but I havent really made any connections yet.
I also spent much of my life putting myself in a box pretending I was straight because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was a lesbian. It's only in the last 2 years that I have finally started to accept myself and be true to who I am. The one woman I loved sadly died of anorexia 4 years ago so that's kinda another pain that I still carry a lot.
I've been diagnosed with ptsd and my therapist has said that I've made wonderful progress but sometimes I just don't see it and then when I have a good day, I tend to ruminate or else look up negative stuff online. I also find that pretty much everything triggers me and as I wrote earlier, I feel very fragile and vulnerable.