Lockdown has made me so unbelievably depressed.
I have an Autistic son at home who has barely been to school this year.He has severe Autism and severe learning disabilities.He is a fulltime job,and has really challenging dangerous behaviours.Since lockdown, his sleep has got worst,barely a few hours at a time,then up all day,its relentless.He scratches me raw and bites me and nothing deters him or distracts him
I've spent a small fortune on autistic sensory supports games trampoline lighting,nothing is of interest to him.His respite care is now bare minimum(2hours a week.).Hes been back to school but three times has been told to self isolate for two weeks at a time due to others in his class testing positive.he wont sit sleep play,he just follows me pulls me this way and that way and hurts my skin when I dont understand him.He has no language skills.Its not his fault obviously,its just it's so hard to be his mum,so hard not to resent him and wish he hadn't been born.id never say this out loud,I just needed to say it somewhere. Hes well looked after,shown lots of affection and my attention is all his. Sometimes it's hard to accept that this is my life for the foreseeable future until hes an adult and without doubt will end up in some assisted living.
I look at my friends and they complain of being bored,missing social lives ,I wish I was like them,the sad thing is they will eventually get their lives back, mine wont change much.
I feel like life is suffocating me,willing me to end it all.Its been so long since I was happy,so long since I smiled.
Not looking for anything by posting here,just wanted to get it out of my head by writing it down.