Am I thinking about this the wrong way??

[ValleysGirl72]

Hi guys, just need some advice and maybe some handholding too.

Here goes, my DD is 26 and has been suffering with MH issues for quite some time.

March/April 2019 she announced that she wanted to join the army. Any way her application was rejected due to the MH issues even though she didn't have any suicidal thoughts.

As a result of going to our local careers office, one of the recruiters struck up a friendship with my daughter. He text her following a briefing that was he'd, because she was quiet, but that's my daughter until she gets to know people better.

I don't know if he had implied that there could be a relationship between them or if she misinterpreted what was said, but she fell for him.

Fast forward to now, he's left the army and in his second relationship since last summer. My DD wants a friendship with him, he's not interested but she has been getting horrible messages via FB telling her to kill herself and this guy isn't interested.

She's refusing to take her medication, when she has engaged with the crisis team she agrees with everything they say but now refuses the help that they've offered her. I don't know what to do any more.

I want to give her a damn good shake, but I know that won't change things.

Part of me wants to tell her that it's time for her to get her own place and sort herself because I'm fed up of her throwing all I do for her back in my face, plus it's causing difficulties between everyone in the house. And the other part of me wants to be as supportive as possible, but it's not easy.

Any advice/guidance would be greatly appreciated.

The recruitment chap is an absolute arsehole. It's a pity he isn't still in the forces, if he was he could be reported for saying such awful things to a vulnerable young woman (if there is proof of that); as it is, he hasn't done anything illegal.

I really feel for your daughter. Do encourage her to find another career, there are many worthwhile things she can do, even for a while, and she will meet other people. Hopefully she will learn to be able to tell the difference between being friendly and wanting a full on relationship. She does have to protect herself.

Alongside having some sort of worthwhile and interesting occupation, will come the desire to leave home and be independent. Although your daughter is 26 I wouldn't push her out at the moment, however you must make it clear that 'normal' life has to go on in the household and whilst you want to support her, life isn't all about her.

Good luck.

@jessstan1 I apologise, I should have made myself more clear. The messages my daughter has been getting aren't from this guy, we both (myself and my daughter), think that they are coming from either his ex girlfriend or his current girlfriend.

What a horrible woman she is! Your daughter can block her though. She will realise that she is well out of that situation. It's the here and now and the future that she must try to sort out and I hope she does.

@jessstan1 my daughter is hooked on this guy! I don't know what I can do or say to help her get him out of her system?

He's a player but she can't or won't see it.

She must get the message sooner or later, Valleys, as he is with someone else. It's terribly hard to get over someone with whom you believe you really 'clicked', so it will take time.

Getting on with her life in other ways would be good for her. She's not the first to have her heart broken and life does go on.

Does your daughter have any friends or is there another, older, family member whom she likes and respects who could talk gently to her about finding another career path/interest? I really think that is the way forward and could be the making of her. Having someone who is confidential, other than mum, to confide in would be helpful.

Everything is so much more complicated at the moment though, with restrictions on who you can meet and where, so I think you must resign yourself to having her around for a bit longer. Do set a few rules because, even though she is depressed and hurt, she lives with others and has to consider them. I'm sure she wouldn't consciously want to bring anyone else down but it does happen.

All the very best to you.

(I could throttle that bloke - and his girlfriend and his ex girlfriend.)

I used a recruitment agency in my early 20s. The guy who found me a job was quite attractive. Somehow, I think it started in a light hearted way, we ended up on a date. I think he had said it and I took him up. I remember raised eyebrows from his colleagues in the office. Anyway he picked me up in his sports car (why do they always drive sports cars) and I thought it was just the bees knees. No one my age was like that. We went for dinner and I tried to impress him but I could tell we were quite different. Nothing came of it. This was before social media. I then heard, I think from one of his colleagues, that he had a wife or fiance in his own country and I was a dare or bet or last minute ditch at freedom before he got married or went back (long time ago, can't remember details). I wasn't hurt as I hadn't invested but I can see how someone could be especially if you vulnerable and not feeling in a great place in your life. I was perhaps naive and I laugh now and what was going on and the fact I didn't see it.

There's nothing really you can say other than she is wasting her time on him.

If you don't mind my asking, what sort of mental health issues does she have? Does she have any additional conditions?

Has she worked before or had relationships?

Thanks for your replies @jessstan1 and @User258544

@Someone1987 no she's never worked, she did one year in 6th form and then went to college for 3 years.

My daughter suffers with depression and anxiety, and also low self esteem. She has very little confidence. And she's never had a relationship with anyone..