What is wrong with me?

[alltimelockdownlow]

Name changed for this as I feel a bit nervous about posting. Not really sure where to start so apologies if this gets long.

Never had depression or anxiety before. I was pregnant throughout lockdown and had my 2
Year old to look after. DH worked throughout as he was a key worker so we were home alone a lot. I am a SAHM but previous to lockdown we were always socialising, at playgroups, cafes, baby classes etc and barely had a day at home so come lockdown and suddenly I felt isolated.
As time has gone on I feel like a bad mum for not always wanting to play or be enthusiastic every day. Being pregnant during the heat in first lockdown I had no energy and often felt unwell and sluggish.
Second lockdown and I have a newborn so still tired and don't have the time to play 24/7 so I still have mum guilt.

During lockdown 1 I guess it all went downhill when my baby was diagnosed with a heart defect at my 20 week scan that I attended alone. I had the stress and worry of an amniocentesis and awaiting the results of that was one of the worst times of my life as it was possibly gong to influence my decision to continue the pregnancy.
That came back clear but I still had the heart defect to face and many many scans attended alone.
Fast forward to now and my baby is here and well (besides the defect) but will shortly need open heart surgery (was scheduled once already but cancelled short notice adding to the anxiety I'm feeling I guess)
We had a very traumatic experience the other day in hospital where my baby was supposed to have a CT scan before they will schedule the surgery again. It ended up not happening as they couldn't get the cannula in but it was a long day that was emotionally challenging for me (yet again attended alone due to Covid)
So now we are still left waiting and wondering about when surgery will be (I was told 8 weeks ago it would be 2-3 weeks). Without the surgery my baby will not survive and I've been told her condition will deteriorate at any time until the surgery is done.

Today when my husband left for work I just cried and cried about the thought of being alone again all week with 2 children and feeling so low (he won't be home until gone 10pm tonight)
I'm doing my best to put on a brave face for my 3 year old but it's draining. I just want to go to bed on my own and just sleep/relax. DH is brilliant and supportive when he's home but it always feels like we have to have a child each or the person who isn't watching the children is having to cook/clean/do washing etc
I just feel like I'm not getting a break but then in all fairness neither is he because he's either working or here looking after the kids or doing chores.

I guess what I'm asking is. Am I depressed, do I have anxiety or am I just going through a difficult time right now? What do I do about it because I feel like I'm going mad. I'm the sort of person where I hate to feel like a burden so going to the GP or speaking to anybody other then close friends/DH feels so difficult and embarrassing like I'm making a fuss over nothing. Even posting here is hard for me hence the name change.

Got a banging headache and I love DS more than life itself but his constant chatter about rubbish feels too much today 😭 such a horrible thing to say but I just need some silence and my own space for once 🤦🏼‍♀️

Said to DH today if I had a job I would've gone to GP by now and signed myself off sick to give myself a break but I can't do that. I feel trapped

That's an awful lot to cope with, and yours is a normal reaction to great stress. At the risk of sounding trite, I think things are getting better, and being able to do more things is within sight. I understand that the NHS generally has not gone into 'worst case scenario' so hopefully the operation you are waiting for will not be too long x

I want you to know I think you're having appropriate,situational anxiety from your traumatic year. I want you to know you're not alone-we are all here and willing to cheer you up. My husband and I survived some very dark days in regards to our son who was premature by ten weeks. He had to have a spinal tap in NICU (while I was unconscious in ICU) and they kept poking him and my husband was in tears while they kept attempting the procedure. He's been on life support for almost three weeks,and had significant surgery at three months of age. We were in/out of hospital for first six years of his life. At one point the pediatrician thought he might've had leukemia but thank god they were wrong. He's now 20 years old and though he has severe cerebral palsy he is healthy as a horse and a normal sized young man. I wish you well and your precious baby health and healing. You'll get through this and one day it'll be just a bad memory

Thank you both for taking the time to read and reply. I have just contacted a local counsellor as I feel like I need to take control and do something about the way I feel before it gets worse.
Hopefully they will get back to me and it helps 🙏🏼

I'm sorry you had to go through that @EKGEMS but I'm glad your son is now well. I can relate to your DH crying for his son. I too was a wreck when they tried and failed repeatedly to pin down my baby and insert the cannula into her poor foot whilst she screamed and looked to me for help. Struggling with that mental image so much!

Thanks again for your kind words. I will hopefully try some counselling to get me through these times. It does help to think that one day this will all be over so thank you 🙏🏼