TWO depressives having a child - he doesnt like how I want to handle things

[BearMama]

Please help - I have been in a relationship with my Dp for two years now. We are both depressives and our relationship was tempestuous and abusive. Its a long story, but I got a place of my own and after going on anti-depressants he came to my city to be with me with a flat of my own. With our history I was adamant that we couldnt live together.
I am 37 and wanted him to father my child - sounds crazy but I have met his kids who are 8, 18 and 20 and they are lovely, and more importantly know they are loved.
He is 49 and doesnt see how it can work, with us having seperate houses. We are in the same city for goodness sake. I need the security of having my own place after what I went through. It has been ten months since I got my own place and our relationship is better than its ever been but he cant see that. Does anyone else have this situation? Two depressives who live seperately? Thanks!

To be honest, I have read your post twice and thought about how I feel and what I would advise, and Ireally don't know. HOw would you feel about being brought up by two depressed parents, living separately with a tempestuous and abusive past? Was his ex wife depressive?Did he have an equally tempestuous and abusive relationship with her?

Well his ex-wife was not a depressive, she just suffered horrendous PMT. I have met her and she confirmed this. They fought a lot and by the end of the marriage had seperate bedrooms and were very civil as the marriage was effectively over. They get on fine now.
I think I manage my depression pretty well esp as I am unmedicated due to pg. He is no longer abusive but is used to being the man of the house and would like us to live together. And so would I, really. He spends most of the time round at mine and uses his house to write which is how I would expect it to continue, but he sees me having a house of my own as a real threat. I just never want to be in a position where a man can make me homeless, simple as that.

I think you should stand firm and live seperately at least until you have had the baby and see how you both adjust to parenthood. I think you are right to be cautious about living together if it has been an abusive situation in the past, you do not want your child to be exposed to that. You say he is no longer abusive but he should appreciate your concerns and fears and give you the space you need.

Thanks MurderousMaveta, not just for agreeing with me but undertanding why I want to do this. I have no problem with being adamant that this is what I want, but I have always stressed that this is the way it has to be, before he moved up here and before we agreed to get pregnant. He says that he is the one being forced to compromise and I am just doing what makes me happy. I think he hoped that I would change my mind somewhere along the way, but its not going to happen and now he's just being argumentative. He says he feels he doesnt have a future which I think is just him being a drama queen (he's a writer) I say the future is what you make it. Whatever happens, I'm not giving up my home and I resent that he is trying to manipulate me like this.

as harsh as it may sound, i feel it would be disastrous to try for a child whilst you are both at loggerheads about the state of your relationship.

i think you need to both work through your own issues and reach a common understanding first. it seems worrying to me that you have described an abusive and tempestuous state and choose to label yourself a 'depressive'.

it seems that two years is a very short time to have experienced such difficulties, move, recommence a relationship AND then to consider a child as well.

most people have only got past the dating phase and into the serious business of considering living together in this space of time.

To add, my concern is not that he would harm the child or myself physically, its that I need a place of my own. When I lived with him the worst episodes were when he would try to throw me out of the house or give me ultimatums. The abuse was mostly verbal but the main issue here is my safety and mental health. I pretty much know all his history re relationships and the roots of his behaviour whilst not excusing it in the slightest. He doesnt seem to realise the effect this had on me and why I want to do it this way, he only seems to be thinking about his own needs and that makes me uneasy.

Are you pregnant atm or is this a theoretical child? Can't quite tell from your posts. Suspect you are doing the right think keeping your own place if he has a history of threatening to throw you out - you don't want to be on the streets with a child.

well he isn´t being forced to compromise if he knew the situation/plan beforehand Given his past behaviour it sounds like you should be careful and even more so if he can´t see why you would think that..

have just read another poster and it seems you are already pregnant? if this is the case, sorry i misunderstood.

if you are pregnant, then despite my previous reservations, it would seem very wrong to try and live together at this stage.

probably more beneficial all round if you timetable being together to allow for time apart. the stresses of a new baby are enogh, without having to cope with a new living arrangement.

you are going to need support however, so getting the balance betwen spending too much time and too little time togwether is important.

Nightshade, I am four months pregnant and have been going through this pretty much all this year, off and on. I will bring this child up myself if I have to. We are not constantly at war and I dont want to give the impression that we are. The decision to have a child was arrived at after months of consideration and on the understanding that he understood how I felt about seperate houses. He gave me the impression that although it wasnt perfect he would accept it on the understanding that I loved him and was committed to him, now I feel he's just going back on his word.

Yes that is how I feel. Normally i cope with rows quite well but the pg hormones are getting to me, hence asking for your advice, which is much appreciated.

i think you need to concentrate on being pregnant and looking after yourelf.

you will find that when you have the baby, alll of your energies will be taken up with her and your ability/desire/interest in worrying about your relationship will be secondary anyway.

plan for the best and most secure situation, at this time, for your child and let the rest take its course.

Nightshade, that's pretty much how I see it. Thank you. I was just feeling very down because of hormones. But no matter how down I feel I wont change my mind. if he doesnt like it he knows where the door is. Sometimes after an episode like this I think I would be happier - exhausted certainly but I would only have one child to manage (oh I must be feeling better - there goes the sarcasm)

agree with Nightshade, concentrate on you and your baby. Anything else comes way down the priority list.

Thank you all. I will concentrate on myself and the baby. If he doesnt like it, that's too bad.

My parents were both depressives- one melancholic, one bi-polar. They are still together after 35 years, and had 4 children together.

BUT all 4 of us suffer chronically with depression (though only 1 of us got bi-polar).

From my own experiences I would say that if you need to live alone to be well then DO IT.

You need to keep yourself well, to enable you to look after your baby and yourself. Even with all the love in the world, some people are not meant to live together, and it sounds as if you 2 shouldn't. That doesn't mean your child won't be loved, or brought up badly! Your baby will just have 2 homes. Presumably his children do- and you said yourself they are lovely.

I wish you the best of luck and health in your pregnancy. FWIW I haven't taken meds since TTC dd, and I don't need them now.

Thanks lolcats, my dp just cant see how two homes can work - think he imagines that I'll just ditch him when the baby is born - as if! Really useful to have the perspective of someone who's been there.