My anxiety is out of control - please can someone talk to me

[CatsEatingTomatoes]

I really feel as if this is what insanity feels like.

I have always been anxious but this lockdown has increased it tenfold. I am working from home and it's really not good for me, I always have anxiety about work and I can't take it anymore.

I lie awake all night worrying about thing such as - suppliers sending large bills to my company, and it's all my fault for making a mistake. I have a job where I have to use the company credit card and things are billed afterwards. I worry there will be charges without me knowing from suppliers we haven't used for over a year - that they will suddenly say we signed up to something and owe them thousands and thousands of pounds.

I login to all my accounts all day and check everywhere to see if there is a clause or bill I have missed. They say they charge monthly but what if they forgot to charge and I am racking up monthly costs somehow and there will be a huge bill a few months or years down the line? I know it's impossible but I am actually getting ill over this.

I worry I would be liable in this case because it's my name on the accounts. I worry I'll lose my home if an unexpected bill comes in.

Honestly I'm at the stage where I don't want to wake up because my mind feels like torture.

As a fellow anxiety sufferer I can totally relate. Your mind finds ridiculous & improbable stuff to catastrophize, and drive you demented, about.
Have you spoken to your GP recently for any help with increased anxiety? My anxiety was pretty much under control for the last couple of years (with meds) but the pandemic has made it all flare up again, my GP has said they are hearing from a lot of people struggling with anxiety during Covid that hadn’t even struggled before. Please speak to your GP, they are there to help. I’m sorry you are struggling so much at the moment, I hope things improve for you soon.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/understanding-panic/

Thank you. I haven't spoken to my GP for a few months after stopping antidepressants at the beginning of the year. Anxiety is something I have always battled and I've been on and off antidepressants since I was 14, but unfortunately medication hasn't helped much in the past

OP I know how you feel I suffer with anxiety too! I agree with the previous poster definitely speak to your GP about it and get some support whether its meds or another alternative. Have you thought of speaking to your work about this as well? maybe your manager if they're supportive I know some workplaces offer their employees counselling sessions or some other means of support if they're struggling with mental health.

Your name is on the accounts but presumably as an officer of the company? You are doing legitimate company business so your personal liability is zero.
I know your brain will conjour up ever more convoluted scenarios which somehow lead to disaster. Mine does. But if you're not sleeping then it's back to the GP for anxiety meds and maybe CBT.

I am sorry you feel like this op. I have had anxiety about totally different stuff so I do understand.

None of that financial bad stuff is going to happen. There is a large % of the population who never ever read their bank statements. As long as you check the basics are paid: mortgage/rent, utilities, council tax, mobile etc and read over the rest of the bank statement, all will be fine.

The business stuff - you aren’t liable for any mistakes. And presumably you are not solely responsible for the company bank account.

Make a spreadsheet of all the accounts and then check them once a month. That way if you feel anxious you can go to your spreadsheet and know you’ve checked and know that you can check again at a certain point.
If you get night time anxiety you can just think I’ll check spreadsheet in the morning. You know it’s there, you know it’s done, more tangible than thinking oh I logged into that account a couple of days ago must check again. And do try to stick to the once a month check, trust the sheet!
I honestly live my life by traffic light colour scheme spreadsheets it’s like putting a piece of anxiety into a box.

Not much help but just wanted to say totally relate re anxiety, and you've got some good advice already I see from other posters