How can I help my DH?

[lemonsquash4]

My DH is going through a mental health crisis due to current work stress and historical trauma. He is seeing a fantastic therapist but it's early days. I have tried to be supportive and understanding but I am frequently on the receiving end of his anger and frustration. Today he angrily told me that despite explaining what was going on with him, I didn't understand and didn't realise the severity of his issues. I feel so sad. I love him so much. All of my responses to him are wrong. He's talking about quitting his job and taking a few months off to get better. We don't have a house (live at his job) and we have young children. He finds being around the children stressful so I'm worried about us all cooped up together in a house for weeks in these covid times. I can't talk to anyone in real life as I am sworn to secrecy on his problems. How can I help him and keep our family together?

I’ll just reply with this until someone more qualified in the above arrives!

Firstly, I’d say it’s unreasonable for him to ask you not to talk to anyone, although now might not be the right time to talk to him about it, you could maybe pick a time to explain that as a couple the issues you face are join issues and bring up things for you both - his stress impacts you both and while he might need a formal therapist, you also need someone you can talk to one or two friends who won’t judge.

Secondly, there isn’t really a right way to respond. He’s obviously going through a tough time and his anger with you is about what’s he’s going through not you. I’d be tempted to have a conversation about boundaries early doors. Along the lines of whatever he’s going through you are there for him to do whatever you can to help and understand, but it’s not ok to lash out etc. It might be good for him to think about the lasting impact on your relationship of how he’s behaving. And for you to think about the longer term dynamics of his behaviour becoming the norm when he feels overwhelmed. I think you need to say early that’s not an option regardless of what he’s going through. Perhaps you could have a chat about what support he needs to manage his stress better? Time to go for a run, space to take a moment etc.

I would try and encourage a situation where you support HIM managing this better rather than going with the idea that he can act freely act on his emotions in a way that is negative for you and leaves you feeling guilty about it being your fault.

Thanks so much for replying, that's really helpful.

I think Bamboo has given you some really good advice.

Is the work stress temporary - I.e. things are more stressful because of covid/staff shortages or some other reason, so taking a period of sick leave and returning would change things, or is it fundamentally part of the job?

I imagine it must be an added layer of stress for both of you knowing that your housing is attached to his job.

Have you been able to have a conversation with him about this? I know it must be difficult, as it sounds like he isnt responding very positively at the moment.

I have tried to be supportive and understanding but I am frequently on the receiving end of his anger and frustration.

You need to tell him calmly yet very firmly that you love him and want to support him, but you will not tolerate his abuse. Mental health issues does not give him or anyone else a free pass to be abusive. You need to refuse to be his emotional punching bag.

Rustnot The work stress is fundamentally part of the job but has been made worse by Covid and associated implications. I've tried to make suggestions of how we can reduce stress but he's reluctant to make changes as he says they are too small to make a difference.

Aquamarine Thanks, I need to find the right moment!

Would getting signed off for a period of time? It might take off some of the immediate pressure. It sounds like the headspace he is in at the moment is so negative that he can't see any way out at all. Hopefully the therapy will help start to change those thinking patterns.

Thanks 'Rustnot' , he is considering this.