I’ll try to summarise my 2020.
My grandad died which then resulted in my entire family falling out with each other as it came out that he used to sexually abuse my mum - and no one (but us) believed her. I had the first argument I’ve ever had with my cousin over it, she said she thought mum was exaggerating and was mad she kept it quiet. We were so close, I have no siblings and she was the closest thing I had to a sister. She was my daughters godmother, I was due to be her bridesmaid, we would spend hours each week chatting and if anything went wrong she was who I turned to. She also understood my anxiety and was the only person on earth who knew how to help me through a panic attack.
Then my wedding that was booked for 3 years got cancelled (COVID)
Then my cousin who I’ve just spoken about died suddenly. Due to her parents and mine not speaking I didn’t get an invite to the funeral. I have no idea where her ashes were scattered and no where really to grieve. I’m just told it happens, pull yourself together. She was 26 an undiagnosed heart problem.
Rebooked wedding gets cancelled.
We’re TTC with no luck which is causing issues on top of everything else, causing horrific arguments and stress.
Mum is drinking a lot more and isn’t herself, she never seems with it anymore.
FIL then gets diagnosed with cancer. He’s abroad so we can’t go and see him.
I lose my job.
The other day I drove to a cliff edge and thought about driving off. My friend got the police out looking for me.
I feel like I’m trying my best to cope but every time I try, something else knocks me down.
I know people have it worse which is what makes me feel even more guilty for feeling this way.
I feel like I can’t cope with day to day life and minor issues feel like huge problems; I’m snappy, I’m tired; I don’t see the point in trying cos I feel like if I do some other shit will happen.