its all gone wrong: i cant do this anymore

[lucyellensmum]

oh god, i should have known better, i allowed myself to be happy today, i felt really good about myself and its just gone so horribly wrong. I feel like my head is going to explode and i just cannot see me being able to get through the next few hours let alone the next few days, or anything.

DP just came home, the bank have basically fucked us over (our own fault really) and put a stop on our accounts, DP cannot pay his guys (hes a builder) or his accounts, and he announced we are two months behind on our mortgage, we have NO money. I thought the business was going ok, i thought we were scraping by. But its worse than i thought.

I have been here before, its nearly finnished us, im so scared.I'm trying so hard to put on a brave face for DP but my head is just swimming around all over the place, dinner time is so stressful with DD and then there is bed time, a nightmare - i cannot allow DP to get stressed tonight as i know he will lose it. Im scared for him, but im on the brink of losing it, i just want to be in a dark quiet room, in bed, asleep - why did i allow myself to be happy and think that i could be happy and settled, i was even making jokes about the fucking plumber. Cooking a lovely meal for DP and its all in ruins again.

I feel like i just want to run away from this life, the only thing that is keeping me here is DD, i love her so much, but how long will it be before i no longer can see that?

Im so scared, please help me

blackcat - thankyou so much, i know you are not in a good place just now, have you been to the doctors? was it any help?

dont mind me, im just having a bad day i meant all the things i said to you yesterday, you will be ok, im just having a crisis at the moment. I dont want you to think my words are hollow

Well, I think DP can forget the sax lessons!

I'm so sorry, LEM. It's a pickle, alright. But it's money, not flesh and blood. Tomorrow, when you will differently than you do right now, take a pen, and write down the lifelong economies that you need to make.

The way forward from here. These crises seem overwhelming, so you must try to break your problems into smaller, more manageable pieces. Try to see the immediate future as a battle against a great number of unpleasant, but conquerable pests, rather than one, huge, monolithic monster.

From what I know of you from your posts, you are more than brave enough to face your troubles. It's alright to be scared. I would be too.

Keep us all posted, LEM.

xx

ED - after all of the shit ive put DP throught i dont begrudge him an hour a week at music lessons, (he gets a cheep rate so it hardly costs anything)

We are going to go through it later - i just pray this isnt the straw that broke the camels back for this relationship.

Thankgod for DD

Oh, I hope it isn't too, LEM. I think you both need the benefit of daylight to work this through rationally.

And yes, thank God for DD

Just wanted to say, I hope you're ok, now you know there's a problem, you can deal with it. Yes it's scary (been where you are re; mortgage) and managed not to get myself evicted by the skin of my teeth.
CAB are fantastic (if you can get an appointment) if not phone them, they can talk options over the phone, some of them have a person dedicated to phone advice. And talk to the mortgage lender pronto, if you haven't already, mine was brilliant, once I explained what was happening.
Not usually a hugger but

this is weird - i am seriously afraid of spiders. DP is out, and there was the mother of all spiders in my kitchen, i nearly passed out when i saw it. Well i have just, calm as you like, got the thing into a bag, showed DD said ooh look at him, he has hairly legs, and tipped into the back garden. It must be my meds,i would have FREAKED out before. How strange.

That was the first hurdle of the evening.

We do have some stuff that we HAVE to do tonight, it could make or break things to be honest - wish me luck

Hi i'm new to all this - am i ok to chat? Feeling a bit rubbish at moment and saw something written about a spider that hasn't really helped! X

LEM just wanted to add my support. We're nearly £40,000 in debt, we don't have our own house anymore and we never have money. But I do have 3 beautiful DDs. They were what made me sit down and sort through the problems one by one. We'll never have our own house again, but we have a roof over our heads. We still owe money but we have made arrangements with everyone we owe to pay it back a bit at a time. Life still sucks but if you can put it in some sort of order, then you can get through it.

I was on the meds but decided to come off gradually as things started to get sorted.

Still have such low, crappy days but then I pick up again and carry on. DD3 smiles at me and all is right with the world!

Have also been through divorce so understand the relationship strain, it doesnt mean you will split up but it's something you need to be aware of so you can work at that together too.

Hey LEM, well, I think we've decided on that toaster now eh

Seriously though, you've had some good advice on here, there are places you can call, the CAB for one, they will know where you stand and an put you in contact with a debt counsellor. The important thing is it is only tow months worth of mortgage, so if you act now it may be tight for a while, but things should be fixable.

I dont really have much more advice, but I saw a friend was upset and wanted to make sure she was ok.

Try and keep your chin up

good luck.
take deep breaths.
try to stay calm.

hope - LOL about the spider ( i think !) welcome to mumsnet, you are fine to chat - whats up?

Lorayn - PMSL about the toaster - these things should not be taken lightly!! After all its my bread we are talking about here.

OK - so, i think THINK we are going to be ok, The mortgage thing is worrying me, but we are due some money (basically it is hit or miss whether the client is going to pay, hes been a nightmare all along, but he wants his shop open, then he is going to have to pay - simple as that) providing that is going to sort itself we should be able to at least pay DP's subcontractors (who are great guys and do not deserve to be let down!) and our mortgage, everyone else can go to hell!

Am wondering if we can still claim back our bank charges, i dont think we can? Does anyone know, i reckon the past six years could amount to four figures (really!).

Thanks again for the advice everyone. I just meltdown now at the slightest sign of stress - its been a rough few years and its taken its toll. DP, love his heart came back from his sax lesson ina really positive mood, so im heartened

h0pe, i have just read your profile, i used to ride before DD came along, i miss it like mad, maybe one day i'll start up again. Got to say this though - hollyoaks !!!! ok ok, so i used to watch it

sorry to hear about the money worries. Motley Fool message board and MoneySavingExpert message boards have a good reputation for help with this sort of situation. MoneySavingExpert also I think has info on reclaiming bank changes.

That's good to hear, LEM. It seems very obvious to me that you both love each other dearly, and you both have DD.

Bad financing is like encroaching ill-health. Generally speaking, there is always something you can do about it.

Get the old A4 paper out tomorrow, crack a bottle of wine, and seriously look at your budgeting.

Silly though this may sound (and apologies if you've already done it a hundred times as a couple), it's actually quite good fun to grasp the bull by the horns and work out a weekly budget plan. And stick to it!

Imagine yourself in a hole in the ground. You can either dig deeper, or you can reach for the light. So, stop digging, and start climbing. It's clay, so it will take some time with a good shovel ... but imagine the breeze on your face when you finally get there!

thanks ED - things don't look so bleak after a chat with DP. He has come back from his sax lesson in a v positive mood. He is now practicing in the kitchen, believe me, its bad!!!! But somehow, it makes me happy, DD went to be perfectly (for once!) and my man is doing something he enjoys, all is right with the world (for now!) We have been in a worse state than this before, but its the irregularity of his finances that make it so tough just now. The irony is, that i have high earning potential and could earn more than him, but i cannot bear to leave DD. I am suffering from PND and severe anxiety (hence blowing things up into an apocalypse when they are just a hurricaine!) but i have happy pills and they do help. YEs you are right, i love DP so much its untrue, he is my soul mate, but my depression (i can see it for what it is now) has almost driven him away, and almost to a breakdown himself. I am going to go back to the doctors tomorrow as i need more medication, i am going to ask about getting him some help, he got into this state with the bank because he feels frightened of opening his letters, physically scared, we had a huge debt problem before and have remortgaged ourselves out of it - but thats not right, i think he needs something for the anxiety too. Ok ok - im waffling.

Thankyou all again, so much, its just so nice that everyone rallies around when you need it around here. Despite the snipery that goes on in MN sometimes, i think it is a lifeline - i know it is for me.

Well, I've always like waffles.

Yes, get whatever help you both need, and really knuckle down on the finance thing. Honestly, it's cathartic and if you're suffering from depression, it's also quite pivotal in establishing some grounding.

It's all too easy to let the pennies fly away, and then the pounds, and then the thousands of pounds. Seriously, money is an easy thing to take control of. Far more easy than emotions.

It will bond you and dp closer together, and dd will thrive even more on the tangibly different atmosphere.

Good luck to you, my darling girl. You're surrounded by love.

If any shit comes your way, 9 times out of 10, it's just in your head.

just popping in to add some strength-giving vibes x

Just popping by to check you are feeling brighter today and letting you know I'm thinking about you

hi guys, i do feel a bit better today, im still worried, but hopefully DP can get some money in over the weekend and if that works out, we will be ok. So frustrating though. It is so difficult to budget when you dont know when the next bit of money is coming in. But i knew it would be hard to establish the business, just don't need the bank doing things like pulling the rug from under our feet just as we are trying to set something up. There is too much at stake.

Tried to get an appointment, well no surprises how that went, i have a telephone consultation booked for some time tomorrow, no they couldnt give me a time, so will be stuck in with DD and miss M&T

Sometimes i just feel like selling the house and renting, but i know that we will lose everything we have worked for and that makes me feel sick to my stomach. I just want DD to grow up somewhere half decent, im not into cars, holidays and nice clothes.

DD is being an absolute star this morning and has "helped" me with the housework all morning. My mother still hasn't contacted me, she still must be pissed off, she thinks i have to go to work today and that i need her to look after lucy - but i have had to quit my job as she kept letting me down over childcare. It wasnt worth me paying for a childminder, and it was only one afternoon per week, but that £35 would have come in handy just now. It never rains but it poors eh.

BUT, DP is being positive - it was him losing it that scared me the most, he has been under so much pressure lately (mostly due to me!) and he doesnt cope with stress well just now. But when he came home last night after his sax lesson he had obviously had time to think and he was relaxed, he practised his sax (BADLY!!) and instead of doing the figures we got down to some lurrrving it was what we really needed, sorry for the TMI! But now we are looking at positive steps to drive the business forward. It couldnt be a worse time to start a business with all our debt but if we dont do it now we never will, and to be honest, DP couldnt earn enough money working for other people to cover our outgoings. So it is a case of dig our heels in and hope for the best.

And then there is always my favourite saying:-

This time next year Rodney!!!!

I'm pleased things are looking better LEM. AFAIK, you can reclaim bank charges for up to five years, I know someone who did it with two banks and got about 5k back so try and get onto that ASAP, I'm sure if you google it you'll be able to find something somewhere!

So glad things seem positive.

there's a few people on eyre whose partners are builders so they may have advice- 2shoes iirc, and ormirian? never hurts to ask, lots of people have been in this situation.

Also are you in touch with a new business scheme?