Hi, I’ve had depression for years and have had it mostly under control this year. Usually I feel pretty good, things are going well, I’m content with my life. However I have some days where for no reason I feel unbearably sad - for no apparent reason except depression (for which I take medication for) - and think of suicide. I’ve no plans, today I’m good, most days I am. But these odd days scare me a bit. And the other thing, a big thing really, is that everyday, even good days, I think of suicide in some way - not necessarily doing it myself, but thinking of people who have died that way, obsessionally reading news about it, or if hear about someone I know of who has lost someone that way. Thinking of how/why/where etc. It is very morbid I know, and it’s not that I’m thinking of it in a particular way, just always thinking of it. Often when it’s a young women similar age/generation to me, sometimes I feel so sad for them and guilty that I made it through those feelings and they didn’t, sometimes I feel jealous (on the bad days). Just can’t get my head around why I can’t stop thinking about it. Maybe it’s death in general that I just think about because I can’t make sense of it, what happens when we die etc. But I want to stop because it feels unhealthy and is making me feel like I’m going mad.
So, I have been in touch with a psychologist. I have had counselling before which was good for my self esteem/relationship issues but didn’t get to this deep stuff, I guess that’s all got more prominent this year. Caroline Flacks death for example was the first time in felt really obsessional. Will psychotherapy/a psychologist help? It’s a lot of money, but if it makes me stop feeling like I’m losing my mind, and let’s me relax without these thoughts, I think it’ll be worth it?